Joke Thread...

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youvedonewhat

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:wave: Hi everyone. Not sure if this is the right place to post this or even if there's already a thread going on this.

Just wondered if we could use a 'joke' thread for those who might be in need of a little laughter.

Allow me to begin:

>>>>
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

'Does this taste funny to you?'

.........

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

........

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

............

A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

.......

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

..........

Phone answering machine message -

'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'

.......

ok, going now....:D
 
Why do they call 'em Cell Phones?











Cause there's more than one of them!



MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
 
Ok OK I got one :D

One day, a bear and a rabbit were walking trough the forest... they heard a scream for help. They went looking, and found a teeny tiny little man stuck under a log. The bear lifted the log and the rabbit got the man out from under it.
"Thank you both" the man said, "I'm a very special leprechaun, and for saving me I shall grant both of you three wishes each!"
The bear and rabbit look at each other and smile, and the rabbit says the bear can go first.
"Ok", says mr Bear "My first wish is, I wish that all bears in this forest were female!"
The leprechaun turns to the rabbit "and what is your wish?"
"I wish for a helmet!" the rabbit says, dead pan.
The bear and leprechaun look at the rabbit questioningly, but the leprechaun grants their wishes anyway
"For my second wish, I wish that all the bears in forests all over this country were female!" The bear says with a wide grin!
"And what do you wish for rabbit?"
"I wish for the fastest motorcycle ever!"
The leprechaun grants the wishes, and tells them they each have one wish left. As with the others, the bear goes first:
"I wish that ALL bears ALL OVER THE WORLD, except me ofcourse, were female!"
"Your wish has been granted Bear!" The leprechaun says, "and what about you mr Rabbit?"
The rabbit puts on the helmet, sits on the motorcycle, starts it, and while revving says "I wish, that this bear here next to me, was gay" and speeds off.....
 
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An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."



Lame I know :|
 
Ok OK I got one :D

One day, a bear and a rabbit were walking trough the forest... they heard a scream for help. They went looking, and found a teeny tiny little man stuck under a log. The bear lifted the log and the rabbit got the man out from under it.
"Thank you both" the man said, "I'm a very special leprechaun, and for saving me I shall grant both of you three wishes each!"
The bear and rabbit look at each other and smile, and the rabbit says the bear can go first.
"Ok", says mr Bear "My first wish is, I wish that all bears in this forest were female!"
The leprechaun turns to the rabbit "and what is your wish?"
"I wish for a helmet!" the rabbit says, dead pan.
The bear and leprechaun look at the rabbit questioningly, but the leprechaun grants their wishes anyway
"For my second wish, I wish that all the bears in forests all over this country were female!" The bear says with a wide grin!
"And what do you wish for rabbit?"
"I wish for the fastest motorcycle ever!"
The leprechaun grants the wishes, and tells them they each have one wish left. As with the others, the bear goes first:
"I wish that ALL bears ALL OVER THE WORLD, except me ofcourse, were female!"
"Your wish has been granted Bear!" The leprechaun says, "and what about you mr Rabbit?"
The rabbit puts on the helmet, sits on the motorcycle, starts it, and while revving says "I wish, that this bear here next to me, was gay" and speeds off.....

Haha, I love this one too! :lol:
 
Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield:

A man approaches a prostitute and says "how much for oral sex?"....the prostitute says "50 dollars." ....the man says "50 dollars??? My wife will do it for 25."

Drive safely! :wave:
 
What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

I can't remember how it finishes, but you're mother's a whore.
 
Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield:

A man approaches a prostitute and says "how much for oral sex?"....the prostitute says "50 dollars." ....the man says "50 dollars??? My wife will do it for 25."


one more from Rodney

A guy says "Hey bartender I haven't got any for six months, you got someone I can call?"

The bartender says, "Here call this number, she gives it away for free."

The guy says, "Hey, that's my house."
 
As an ex-blonde I think I can savely tell a blonde joke: :wink:

A blonde woman dyes her hair black and goes for a walk so everyone can see and admire her new hair color.

On the way she meets a shepard with a herd of sheep.

Hello shepard, she says and takes a look around. I like your sheep.
If I can tell you exactly the number of sheep in your herd, can I choose a sheep and keep it?

The shepard agrees.

She says: 275

That's right, says the shepard puzzled. Then he allows her to select a sheep.

She makes her choice, says good bye and turns to leave with the animal.

The shepard says: If I can tell your real hair color, can I have my dog back?
 
Here's as good a place as any to post these.

happyhalloween.gif



Halloween Groaners



Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi.




Q: How do you make a witch stew?

A: Keep her waiting for hours.




Q: How do ghosts begin their letters?

A: "Tomb it may concern..."




Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?

A: He was repossessed.




Q: What do you call a person who puts rat poison in a person's Corn Flakes?

A: A cereal killer




Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?

A: With a pumpkin patch.




Q: What is a ghost's favorite ride?

A: A roller ghoster.




Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?

A: Because people are dying to get in.




Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?

A: Tired blood.




Q: Why was the mummy so tense?

A: He was all wound up.




Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?

A: A dead end.




Q: How do you know if a ghost is lying?

A: You can see right through him.




Q: How is a werewolf like a computer?

A: They both have megabytes.




Q: Where do vampires live?

A: At the Vampire State Building.




Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?

A: They're afraid of flying off the handle.




Q: Where do ghosts go on vacation?

A: Lake Erie.




Q: How can you tell when a window is scared?

A: They get shudders.




Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?

A: It had no body to dance with.




Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?

A: Hello, hello, hello.


Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?

A: Spelling!




Q: When does a skeleton laugh?

A: When something tickles his funny bone.




Q: What tops off a ghost's sundae?

A: Whipped Scream




Q: What has a black hat, flies on a broomstick, and can't see anything?

A: A witch with her eyes closed.



Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?

A: Because he's always a goblin.



Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?

A: He's mist.




Q: What sailors like to be chilled to the bone?

A: A skeleton crew.




Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: In the casketeria.




Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?

A: Over the ghoul line.




Q: What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?

A: Toasty ghosty.




Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?

A: Hoblin Goblin.




Q: What do you call a wicked witch who lives by the sea?

A: A Sand-witch




Q: What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?

A: A boo-loney sandwich.




Q: What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?

A: A wash-and-werewolf.




Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?

A: Fasten your sheet belt.



Q: Who does a ghoul fall in love with?

A: His ghoul friend.



Q: What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?

A: A blood vessel.



Q: What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?

A: A blood hound.



Q: What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?

A: Hallowieners.



Q: What do you call serious rocks?

A: Grave stones.



Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?

A: By witchful thinking.




Q: Why did the witch's mail rattle?

A: It was a chain letter.




Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn?

A: It was a stake sandwich.




Q: What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help around the house?

A: Lazybones




Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

A: To stop his coffin
 
^ Excellent!

Q: Why don't witches have babies?

A. Hollow weeners

A skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What can I get you?" The skeleton replies, "A beer . . . and a mop."

nocandy.jpg
 
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