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Old 11-01-2008, 01:00 AM   #31
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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold onto your nuts, this'll be a massive blow job.
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Old 11-01-2008, 02:09 AM   #32
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A little long, but it's one of my favorites!


I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.

"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.

I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.

My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."
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Old 11-01-2008, 02:11 AM   #33
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A hydrogen atom comes running into a police station asking for help:

Hydrogen atom: "Somebody just stole my electron!"
Policeman: "Are you sure?"
Hydrogen atom: "Yes, I'm positive"
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Old 11-01-2008, 07:03 AM   #34
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Many moons ago, Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote. Pony said to Coyote, "I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?" Coyote said to Pony, "Why can you not yell yourself?" And Pony replied, "Because I am a little horse."
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Old 11-01-2008, 03:03 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemon Grrrrrl View Post
A hydrogen atom comes running into a police station asking for help:

Hydrogen atom: "Somebody just stole my electron!"
Policeman: "Are you sure?"
Hydrogen atom: "Yes, I'm positive"
Science jokes!!!!


gotta admit, the others I laughed about too.
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And if U2 EVER did Hawkmoon live....and the version from the Lovetown Tour, my uterus would leave my body and fling itself at Bono - for realz.
Don't worry baby, it's gonna be all right. Uncertainty can be a guiding light...
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Old 11-02-2008, 01:12 PM   #36
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A few of my favorites...


Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?







A: His right hand caught on fire






Q: What did the fish say after it ran into a wall?







A: Damn



Q:What do you call a bear with no socks?









A: A barefoot
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:04 AM   #37
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THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so wedecided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She wasalone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last >>wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:34 AM   #38
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:39 AM   #39
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What a coincidence! I heard that one on the radio last night!
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And if U2 EVER did Hawkmoon live....and the version from the Lovetown Tour, my uterus would leave my body and fling itself at Bono - for realz.
Don't worry baby, it's gonna be all right. Uncertainty can be a guiding light...
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Old 11-21-2008, 11:59 AM   #40
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A man walked into a bar and said ouch.


----------------------


Three men walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would've seen it.


------------------------


Here's one I randomly made up one day. Basically I had a braindead moment one day, and when trying to think of "Jesus", I first thought of "Bono" and then "Santa Claus", it led to this joke.

Bono, Santa Claus, and Jesus went into a bar. Bono ordered a Guinness, Santa ordered cocoa. Jesus hesitated, before turning to Bono and saying discreetly: "Listen, I'm kind of short on cash... how about I just order water, and you can turn it into wine for me?"

Alternate ending:

Bono made a face and said "The God I believe in isn't short of cash, mister!"


(The alternate ending was added by a fan after I first told this joke to the public )
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Old 11-21-2008, 12:40 PM   #41
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Now that the election is over, I hear that Sarah Palin is going to show there is no animosity about losing the election. She has invited both Obama and Biden on a moose hunting trip. She has already lined up Dick Cheney to teach gun safety and Ted Kennedy to drive them to their cabins after the pre-hunt party.
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Old 11-21-2008, 04:46 PM   #42
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What should you do if you are being attacked by a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler.
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Old 11-24-2008, 11:24 AM   #43
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The following jokes are a little... harsh, but if you're in desperate need of humor, I hope my jokes can at least muster up a smile from you.

Q: Have you seen Helen Keller's house?
A: Neither has she.

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
A: You would too if your name was "OoOOoHasdfl;khgoiKJLN#TJKnfdjOoGh".

Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Corduroy.

A black man, Polish man, and a Korean man are driving together in a car. They hear sirens behind them and pull over. The cop comes to the window and says, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" They shake their heads.
The cop then says, "How's this.. I'll let you guys off if you three can add up your penis sizes and have the length of at least 15 inches."
The black man pulls out his package, 7 inches.
The Polish man pulls out his package, 6 inches.
The Korean man pulls out his package, 2 inches.
"Alright," the cop says, "You guys drive safe."
They continue driving in silence.
Suddenly the Korean man says, "You guys are so fucking lucky I had a boner."

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Old 11-24-2008, 01:27 PM   #44
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What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro Cinco

-----

Why can't mexicans be firemen?

They can't tell the difference between jose and hose b

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How do you stop a Mexican tank?

Shoot the guy pushing it.

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Why are Mexicans so short?

They all live in basement apartments.

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How Do You Starve A Mexican?

Put Their Food Stamps In Their Work Boots.

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What do you call 100 mexicans working on a roof?

Chingos

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Juan,carlos,and antonio all jump off a cliff to see who will hit the ground first. who wins?

Society.

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What do you call mexican basketball?

Juan on Juan.

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Did you hear about the winner of the mexican beauty contest?

Me neither.

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What do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopuss?

I don't know but it could pick lettuce good.

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Why don't mexicans bbq?

The beans fall through the little holes.

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What are the first 3 words in every mexican cookbook?

steal a chicken

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Did you hear about that one mexican that went to college?

yeah.. me neither

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how do you stop a mexican from robbing your house?

put up a help-wanted sign

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What's the difference between a bench and a Mexican?

A bench can support a family (sorry, that one is really mean)

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What is it when a Mexican is taking a shower?

A miracle.

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What do you call a pool with a mexican in it?

Bean Dip.

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What do Mexicans pick in the off season?

Their nose.

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A bunch of Mexicans are running down a hill, what is going on?

Jail Break.

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What do you call a Mexican driving a BMW?

Grand Theft Auto.

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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is in the US!

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Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. (burn)

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Why do Mexicans drive low riders?

They are too short to get into any other type of car.

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What is the greatest Mexican invention?

A solar powered flash light.

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Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans?

Have you seen a Mexican do anything right the first time?

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What do you do when a Mexican is riding a bike?

Chase after him, it's probably yours!

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Why are Mexicans so short?

When they're young, their parents say, "When you get bigger you have to get a good job."

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What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower?

Unemployed.

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How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Doesn't matter, they're to short to reach the socket.

----

How do you get 50 Mexicans is a phone booth?

Throw food stamps in it.

---
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Old 11-24-2008, 01:29 PM   #45
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Q: Why did Bono fall off the stage?
A: He was too close to The Edge.
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