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Old 08-17-2008, 02:11 PM   #16
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What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

I can't remember how it finishes, but you're mother's a whore.
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Old 08-17-2008, 02:14 PM   #17
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You mean "your", not "you're". Bad grammar fucks even the best jokes up.
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Old 08-17-2008, 03:15 PM   #18
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Courtesy of Rodney Dangerfield:

A man approaches a prostitute and says "how much for oral sex?"....the prostitute says "50 dollars." ....the man says "50 dollars??? My wife will do it for 25."

one more from Rodney

A guy says "Hey bartender I haven't got any for six months, you got someone I can call?"

The bartender says, "Here call this number, she gives it away for free."

The guy says, "Hey, that's my house."
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Old 08-17-2008, 04:46 PM   #19
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As an ex-blonde I think I can savely tell a blonde joke:

A blonde woman dyes her hair black and goes for a walk so everyone can see and admire her new hair color.

On the way she meets a shepard with a herd of sheep.

Hello shepard, she says and takes a look around. I like your sheep.
If I can tell you exactly the number of sheep in your herd, can I choose a sheep and keep it?

The shepard agrees.

She says: 275

That's right, says the shepard puzzled. Then he allows her to select a sheep.

She makes her choice, says good bye and turns to leave with the animal.

The shepard says: If I can tell your real hair color, can I have my dog back?
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Old 08-17-2008, 05:50 PM   #20
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You mean "your", not "you're". Bad grammar fucks even the best jokes up.
True, maybe it is time for me to go back to school.
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Old 08-18-2008, 01:20 AM   #21
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What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

I can't remember how it finishes, but you're mother's a whore.
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Old 08-18-2008, 01:36 AM   #22
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I think there was a joke contest quite a while back perhaps time to revive such a thing?

yes there was... and I won!
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Old 08-18-2008, 01:44 AM   #23
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
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Old 10-31-2008, 11:53 AM   #24
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Here's as good a place as any to post these.




Halloween Groaners



Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi.




Q: How do you make a witch stew?

A: Keep her waiting for hours.




Q: How do ghosts begin their letters?

A: "Tomb it may concern..."




Q: What happened to the guy who couldn't keep up payments to his exorcist?

A: He was repossessed.




Q: What do you call a person who puts rat poison in a person's Corn Flakes?

A: A cereal killer




Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?

A: With a pumpkin patch.




Q: What is a ghost's favorite ride?

A: A roller ghoster.




Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?

A: Because people are dying to get in.




Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?

A: Tired blood.




Q: Why was the mummy so tense?

A: He was all wound up.




Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?

A: A dead end.




Q: How do you know if a ghost is lying?

A: You can see right through him.




Q: How is a werewolf like a computer?

A: They both have megabytes.




Q: Where do vampires live?

A: At the Vampire State Building.




Q: Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?

A: They're afraid of flying off the handle.




Q: Where do ghosts go on vacation?

A: Lake Erie.




Q: How can you tell when a window is scared?

A: They get shudders.




Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?

A: It had no body to dance with.




Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?

A: Hello, hello, hello.


Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?

A: Spelling!




Q: When does a skeleton laugh?

A: When something tickles his funny bone.




Q: What tops off a ghost's sundae?

A: Whipped Scream




Q: What has a black hat, flies on a broomstick, and can't see anything?

A: A witch with her eyes closed.



Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?

A: Because he's always a goblin.



Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?

A: He's mist.




Q: What sailors like to be chilled to the bone?

A: A skeleton crew.




Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: In the casketeria.




Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?

A: Over the ghoul line.




Q: What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?

A: Toasty ghosty.




Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?

A: Hoblin Goblin.




Q: What do you call a wicked witch who lives by the sea?

A: A Sand-witch




Q: What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?

A: A boo-loney sandwich.




Q: What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?

A: A wash-and-werewolf.




Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?

A: Fasten your sheet belt.



Q: Who does a ghoul fall in love with?

A: His ghoul friend.



Q: What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?

A: A blood vessel.



Q: What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?

A: A blood hound.



Q: What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?

A: Hallowieners.



Q: What do you call serious rocks?

A: Grave stones.



Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?

A: By witchful thinking.




Q: Why did the witch's mail rattle?

A: It was a chain letter.




Q: Why did the vampire's lunch give her heartburn?

A: It was a stake sandwich.




Q: What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help around the house?

A: Lazybones




Q: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

A: To stop his coffin
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Old 10-31-2008, 05:00 PM   #25
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^ Excellent!

Q: Why don't witches have babies?

A. Hollow weeners

A skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender says, "What can I get you?" The skeleton replies, "A beer . . . and a mop."

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Old 10-31-2008, 05:02 PM   #26
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So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
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Old 10-31-2008, 05:06 PM   #27
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A cheeseburger walks into a bar. Bartender says, "I'm sorry--we don't serve food here."
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Old 10-31-2008, 05:12 PM   #28
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Old 10-31-2008, 05:14 PM   #29
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So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
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Old 10-31-2008, 05:41 PM   #30
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So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...



I have to admit, some of those halloween jokes did make me smile.
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And if U2 EVER did Hawkmoon live....and the version from the Lovetown Tour, my uterus would leave my body and fling itself at Bono - for realz.
Don't worry baby, it's gonna be all right. Uncertainty can be a guiding light...
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