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Old 09-28-2016, 09:16 AM   #1
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I am the real Ted Connors

down with imposters and third-wayers, I am the real Ted Connors, and I've been imprisoned in this cellar for 16 years! I'm TED CONNORS!!!

I'm Ted.

Connors.
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Old 09-28-2016, 09:37 AM   #2
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for record, i'm ted connors.
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Old 09-28-2016, 09:41 AM   #3
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Nope, sorry to say, I am Ted Connors. And I've eaten my own leg to prove it.
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Old 09-28-2016, 02:53 PM   #4
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Ted Connors feverishly putting pen to paper on explosive Salome exposé
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Old 09-28-2016, 06:46 PM   #5
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This is crazy. You both can't be Ted Connors. It's like, "you got chocolate in my peanut butter!" "No...YOU got peanut butter in my CHOCOLATE!" asswipe

I always thought that was of the sexual nature, except i don't believe in nature, its all one big damn giant hoax. Perpetrated by Red China. BETTER DEAD THAN RED! That's what i always say. You know they are out to get us all - and the horses we rode in on. That's why i hitch wagons to all of my horses. I hitch wagons of artillery and booze. Except for the wagons filled with grain that i rode to the great pyramids.

You may not know this but my ancestors built the pyramids. Not the ones in Las Vegas, where real men don't bother complaining about wearing suits in the mid day heat. They don't complain because no real man is out and about in the mid day heat. No, real men are all underground someplace waiting for the night.

Real men are what we need more of in this cun t ree. Men like myself and Ted Connors. Not the fake Ted Connors, the fruit and the nuts, the balls mccone, the banana republican. These are real men!

We don't wear flowers or get pedicures. We don't wear pink or update our status everytime we get a prostate exam ((WE DON'T GET PROSTATE EXAMS!))

Ted Connors is a good enough dude. Sure he barks like a dog on occasion and has been known to eat his own shit. He's a rabid bastard and you don't fuck with him if you know what's good for him.

Ted Connors and i used to have quite a contest between us, like most alpha dogs often do. Real men. We used to see who could get the best of each other and get the last word or "dig" in. I will admit he got me pretty good one day, cursed me so good and then punched me in the gut so i was out of breath and could not speak. I fell to my knees holding my gut as he hopped into a waiting car and was whisked away. I noticed he looked out of the back window of the car as it sped off. I was somehow able to get back on my feet and gave him two birds while i mouthed the words "FUCK YOU!" to his car as it disappeared down the long road.

I thought i had gotten the best of him that day, and didn't hear from him for a while. And then one day i get this package in the mail, a box it was, from Ted Connors you asshole it said. So i cautiously opened this box expecting a pile of excrement or a dead animal. Instead it was a note written in blood, reading simply "NO...FUCK YOU!!!"

And then underneath the note i saw it, amid some shredded newspapers for packing, a severed middle finger just for me.

Me and Ted Connors, we're not a couple of Ken dolls, you see. We're the warts on the head, the hole in the crack, we're the miserable bastards you don't ever want to fuck with.
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Old 09-28-2016, 08:22 PM   #6
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Took the words right out of my mouth Garrison
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Old 09-28-2016, 11:53 PM   #7
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Remember that time that Ted Connors took up barking like a dog, instead of speaking, for like six months when he was a kid? The therapist didn't know what to do with him.
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Old 09-29-2016, 04:28 PM   #8
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The therapist didn't know what to do with him, but oh boy, he sure did know what to do with the therapist! They never did find the body...

Also remember that time Ted Connors went to the Pentecostal church and spoke in tongues? He initially did that as a gag, but eventually fell in love with the language of speaking in tongues. However that did lead to his expulsion from the church when it was discovered he had made 'tongue soup' in bible study.
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Old 09-29-2016, 06:37 PM   #9
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Ted Connors reminds me of that awful preacher-boy in There Will Be Blood. Someone needs to take a looooooooooong straw and suck his brains out.
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Old 09-29-2016, 10:17 PM   #10
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I am Lars from Metallica.
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Old 09-29-2016, 11:18 PM   #11
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Old 10-01-2016, 08:24 AM   #12
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Poor Jon, it never ends well for him.
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Old 10-01-2016, 08:25 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoomerang96 View Post
Took the words right out of my mouth Garrison
like mother's milk isn't it
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Old 10-03-2016, 12:30 AM   #14
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I am not Ted Connors
though we share the same initials
I cannot walk through fire
without incurring maimed tissues
But if I were Ted
I'm sure I'd see red
when people say Ted
You're better dead
than Red...

oh yeah

(instrumental break)
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Old 10-03-2016, 06:13 PM   #15
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the chocolate caboose has left the station
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