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Old 02-25-2009, 07:39 PM   #1
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She rang the bell twice but i wasn't going to answer so she rang it once more and i got on my stuff and went out to meet her. She said it was cold out in the outside and invited herself and God's wisdom into my house to sit for a spell and talk about the kingdom. I told her i was "kind of in the middle of something", but then on second thought "it could wait". She was kinda hot, afterall.

She asked me "had i seen this" as she pulled a bible out of her coat, i thought to myself "oh, this is show and tell" and i asked to see her breasts. Startled, she was at a loss for words, no problem i realized it was my turn. I reached into my pants and pulled out...

It was a long... hard night in a foreign country, im speeding down the highway in a fast car on the way out of my mind. I'm drunk as hell and probably gonna die soon at this rate. Last stop, insanity but i had no change for the way back so i kept on going. I was going so fast that when the law dogs saw me they thought i was a speeding bullet and they took cover and returned fire. Well they missed. Later on down the line i ran out of gas and coasted to a stop. I still had a bunch of beer in the back and the church lady's bible in the seat beside me so i began to read the scripture and play drinking games. Every time im offered salvation, drink. Every time im cast into the lake of fire, two drinks. Every time God destroys an entire city, down the entire can...you get the idea.

Pretty soon the police come up the highway behind me, they decide to pull in and check on me, alone in my hot rod with a bible and my beer bong. They ask me how im doing and i say, "yeah im fine, BURP, praise the lord". They aske me if i need help and i say, "no thanks ive got a friend in Jesus". They ask me if i saw a really fast car go by, that they had been in hot pursuit of, and i thought about it for a minute. I say "yeah, sirs, i cannot tell a lie. HICCUP. I want to go to heaven. It was i, officers, i am drunk and i drove very fast until i ran out of gas and now im searching for salvation with my bible and my beers. Plus the church lady gives really good head, but thats another story"

They look at me for a moment and then calmly ask me where im from. Knowing that the earth is round, and im spinning ever faster, i meant to point down (im a long way from home) but instead i pointed up in the sky. The two officers exchange glances at each other and then burst out in laughter. They shake their heads as they walk away, hop in their cars, and peel out with their lights and sirens blaring still in hot pursuit of that speeding bullet. AMEN.
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Old 02-25-2009, 07:40 PM   #2
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Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, Mrs Garrison?
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Old 02-25-2009, 07:45 PM   #3
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how can they stand next to the truth, and not see it, financeguy?
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Old 02-26-2009, 02:07 AM   #4
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alright gang, time to know when to cut it out. not saying you crossed the line, but we all know that this has gone on long enough.

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Old 02-26-2009, 02:54 AM   #5
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That is pretty freaking funny, that is.
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Old 02-26-2009, 09:48 AM   #6
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Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, Mrs Garrison?
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Old 02-26-2009, 05:24 PM   #7
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aww shucks
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Old 02-26-2009, 07:32 PM   #8
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Well, isn't that special!
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Old 02-27-2009, 10:44 AM   #9
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I love Dana Carvey!
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Old 03-02-2009, 03:19 AM   #10
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That's funny.
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Old 03-02-2009, 04:48 PM   #11
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thank you, now where's my one star?
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Old 03-03-2009, 06:00 AM   #12
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i'm not sure how that star thing came about anyway!!!! would you like me to give you a star, garrison?!?!
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Old 03-03-2009, 02:18 PM   #13
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zoomerang, i really need a star


just one btw, dont get any funny ideas
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Old 03-05-2009, 08:19 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Mrs. Garrison View Post
She rang the bell twice but i wasn't going to answer so she rang it once more and i got on my stuff and went out to meet her. She said it was cold out in the outside and invited herself and God's wisdom into my house to sit for a spell and talk about the kingdom. I told her i was "kind of in the middle of something", but then on second thought "it could wait". She was kinda hot, afterall.

She asked me "had i seen this" as she pulled a bible out of her coat, i thought to myself "oh, this is show and tell" and i asked to see her breasts. Startled, she was at a loss for words, no problem i realized it was my turn. I reached into my pants and pulled out...

It was a long... hard night in a foreign country, im speeding down the highway in a fast car on the way out of my mind. I'm drunk as hell and probably gonna die soon at this rate. Last stop, insanity but i had no change for the way back so i kept on going. I was going so fast that when the law dogs saw me they thought i was a speeding bullet and they took cover and returned fire. Well they missed. Later on down the line i ran out of gas and coasted to a stop. I still had a bunch of beer in the back and the church lady's bible in the seat beside me so i began to read the scripture and play drinking games. Every time im offered salvation, drink. Every time im cast into the lake of fire, two drinks. Every time God destroys an entire city, down the entire can...you get the idea.

Pretty soon the police come up the highway behind me, they decide to pull in and check on me, alone in my hot rod with a bible and my beer bong. They ask me how im doing and i say, "yeah im fine, BURP, praise the lord". They aske me if i need help and i say, "no thanks ive got a friend in Jesus". They ask me if i saw a really fast car go by, that they had been in hot pursuit of, and i thought about it for a minute. I say "yeah, sirs, i cannot tell a lie. HICCUP. I want to go to heaven. It was i, officers, i am drunk and i drove very fast until i ran out of gas and now im searching for salvation with my bible and my beers. Plus the church lady gives really good head, but thats another story"

They look at me for a moment and then calmly ask me where im from. Knowing that the earth is round, and im spinning ever faster, i meant to point down (im a long way from home) but instead i pointed up in the sky. The two officers exchange glances at each other and then burst out in laughter. They shake their heads as they walk away, hop in their cars, and peel out with their lights and sirens blaring still in hot pursuit of that speeding bullet. AMEN.

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH I AM GOING TO GET IT TATTOO'ED ON MY INNER THIGH.



t h i s i s genius
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Old 03-07-2009, 12:27 AM   #15
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i really hope yer thigh aint that big
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