All of Mrs. Garrison's stories HERE

[Zoomerang96]

why do i even open these threads

you on the other hand, have made some TREMENDOUS posts that deserve interference-wide acclaim.

your unique posting style, your charming banter and most of all - your way of just... setting yourself apart from everyone else deserves applause.

thanks for doing what you do, coolian2. neat name too, by the way.

 

[coolian2]

oh wow, i have been put in my place.

excuse me, i need to assume the foetal position and cry for the next six hours.

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

oh wow, i have been put in my place.

excuse me, i need to assume the foetal position and cry for the next six hours.

save that for after you get married, internet guy

 

[Kieran McConville]

Well I know why I opened this thread. Yes I do.

I bet Internet Guy pays for his calzone in all pennies, or would if he could.

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Well I know why I opened this thread. Yes I do.

I bet Internet Guy pays for his calzone in all pennies, or would if he could.

Well first off i want to thank you for opening this thread. (i hope i haven't plagarized any song lyrics in that last sentence, btw).

Secondly, I think i saw Internet Guy delivering pizzas once, which means he probably gets his calzone for free.

Which brings me to this...hopefully i gave him a good tip when he delivered the super party pizza pack that time for the big game. I would sure hate for him to get the ass at me and hack into my computer from his parent's basement Mission Control. He could do some real damage if he decided to re-route my mail-order bride to someone elses address.

 

[major_panic]

you on the other hand, have made some TREMENDOUS posts that deserve interference-wide acclaim.

your unique posting style, your charming banter and most of all - your way of just... setting yourself apart from everyone else deserves applause.

thanks for doing what you do, coolian2. neat name too, by the way.

 

[ouizy]

So what songs is this story from?

Somewhere buried in Green Day's American Idiot.

 

[impy13]

What? Not No Line. I thought that's all we should be listening to right now.

I'm done with this. I'm going to go check out some birthday threads.

 

[elevated_u2_fan]

Happy Birthday Impy!

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Im actually on the phone to the IRS right now, well, im on hold. They are playing Mozart, repeatedly. When they get done with me ill have nothing left but other people's songs, some crotchless panties, and a few cans of beer. True story.

 

[Varitek]

wow.

also, impy's signature reminds me that i am a bit stressed out, but it could be a lot worse.

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

fake radar guns

Record winds blow through the land, fires spark and ravage the hill country with uncontrolled rage leaving a swath of destruction in it's path. An omnious orange glow in the night sky compliments the sulfurous assault. This very world could be ending tonight, my cats don't seem to care. As long as they have covers to hide under, while watching wind-bent trees through big windows from their perch on the bed.

Earlier we drove around the massive business complex, sirens blaring, smoke hanging around rooftops all the way up to the sun, assuming it's still up there. We can't find the flames, they tell us it's burning everywhere, we won't stop till we are done. Every corner we pass an orange car as we proceed to the next block. Nobody's screaming down from the balconies or the windows, this place is like a ghost town in some epic movie.

Finally my shift is done and i will go home and sleep for 13 hours, because it's double the six i normally get. I'll wake up somewhere strange, thats for sure. As expected night falls and i have risen like a bomb going off in the bedroom. I had to stop breathing for a little while just so i could catch my breath.

My friend comes by somewhere around midnight and we drive down the highway like we own the place. In search of venom and mind altering fragrances, we push on through the fallout in hopes to remember not from where we came. You've got to learn to drink like a sailor if you want to sail the high seas.

Radar detector on the dashboard lights up like a christmas tree as my friend takes notice of our velocity. We are cutting through the air about twice the legal speed. "Man you gotta slow down sometime, we're on the wrong side of town and I've got a pocket full of you-know-what...if they catch us we're both going down" he says. It's normally good advice that doesn't seem matter anymore, so i floor the go pedal and throw my burning cigarette out the window into the drought stricken land.

Truth is, i think to myself as lights come on behind us, i don't think we have ever made it out of the driveway. But who really knows? I sure as hell don't...the poison in my veins has now spread into my soul....and is taking control. We've got three days to forget it all and cancel out the monsters in our heads. Only calm in the night sky and our blood has stopped running away from us. This will be fun until it's not fun anymore, then it will just be...

If you're going to play with fire you'd better kiss the devil while you can.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

Why are your posts so long?

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Hello Love, believe me it's condensed. I left out the entire section where Alien invaders dressed as showgirls and went around in a big white van crashing raves. Do they still call them raves? Plus, like i said, i slept for 13 hours so a lot happened.

Do you still want that sparkler attached to your mouth?

Cheers

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

seconds...weeks...into months become hours...days of daze...eternal haze/blaze???

they said that life was a bitch, then you die. Maybe you'll marry one proper on the way down.

I know im living and dying all at the same time, and i love the way it feels. I'm in love with this feeling, and i would kill to die like this some more.

I'm not afraid of physical death, just the moments afterwords of not knowing what happened because im, well, dead. And of course i don't want to leave people behind, for them as well as myself.

Who said life was eternal, once you die? Everlasting life or damnation. But how does that shit work again? I'm picturing a clock with dates, calendars with months, time just keeps going on and on....then im in outer space with the milky way and uranus and orion....im at the end of space and there is a giant wall with a sign that reads "YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF SPACE". Next to this sign is a door, which of course i open, and what do you think is on the other side of this door?

Eternal life must be pretty cool, the damnation thing would probably suck though. I can do without the lake of fire. But really, does my soul have nerve endings and can it feel the physical torture? Sure, maybe, but after five minutes you'd think i would be numb to it all, and maybe i would turn into molten mush. A big fat pile of shit. Of course i don't take issue with the words of my creator, just the ones who printed them.

I don't want to be buried six feet under, once i die, because somewhere it is written that i/we will awaken again and im afraid i would be buried alive in a fucking box. That scares the shit out of me, along with snakes! Instead i want to be cremated, and spread all over the place like shit blowing in the wind. That way if i do come back to life i would be one spread out mothefucker. All over the place...kind of like space.

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

i know what you're saying man, i mean if Judas could have done things differently im sure he would have. If he only knew...

Notice how nobody names their kids Judas anymore? Its a pretty cool name, actually...

 

[MsPurrl]

Step away from the weed . . . .

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

weed is growing, like the very force of life, can't fault it for that. No im not under any influence of plants or chemicals, not really. I'm naturally like this.

Believe it or not...i just lay awake dreaming and try to fuck things up when im not getting them right. It's all the time and everywhere.

I remember there was a time with weed though....a time when "the visitors" came calling for me. I ran deep into the woods but they were able to manipulate the trees and find me. I ran some more.....and the buildings on the other side glowed...as the trees parted and laughed at me and screamed random numbers and incantations at me...the trees!

Search lights had me all figured out and before i could reach the building it began to spin around and launch itself up into the heavens. I could see it spinning out of control as it disappeared out of view. It was a dark sky that night and i will always associate my experience with the twisting black sea above me.

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

the land of the reckless gods

Supreme leader has risen from the chaos to a new dawning of ruins he created for his people. Dear leader, smitten with douche envy, has aspirations of power with catastrophic consequences.

An old friend of mine, a soothsayer, has had a revelation they can only describe as "abstract pig". This came to them one mid morning, while hungover and eating an overstuffed and messy omelette with a side of bacon and some english muffins with jelly. The omelette, while tasty, was burnt on the outside and all of the toppings had spilled over onto the plate like a giant whale exploded on a beach. While all of the foods were originally intended to be seperate on the plate, they had accidentally come together as one and it was better than it appeared. However that would only last for a little while. The food would all mix together in digestion in the fiery pits of the stomach. They will need each other in there, after having previously done battle for glass boundaries on a rather small plate.

Dear Leader, feed us now so you may kill us soon after, may we die full of your fruit! Supreme Leader, kills us now so you won't have to feed us what would surely kill us anyway! Either way we deserve to die, and we do it for you, in the name of all that is sacred and holy!

Abstract Pig is not just about a western omelette cut and exposed on fine china, bleeding all over the trigger finger of civilization. But it's a brand on the cattle prod we must all someday wear.

Our key to eternity, or paradise as it is so often called, lies not in how many dollars we pile into the scarlet felt bottoms of the collection plates or in the finely pressed suits we wear on sunday. If anything, it is in the hands of those we know the least that decides our fate. From accidential road rage to the guy you ignored standing on the corner looking for some crumbs. Can they look past our moments of weakness? The heart and soul of those around us will help us become one with an eternal God as they must forgive us of our sins against them before we can pass onto the gift of everlasting life. Should we want to live in eternal bliss in the majestic sunset of the stratosphere, we must pray they give us that parting gift as we crack the hammer on our collective guns pointed at their heads.

Blood runs south with us, away from deaf ears towards itchy fingers. Don't mind my friend though because i assured them that they are "way off" in their summation. Like fishes accidentally caught into a net, these thoughts are random fodder thrown into a blender. The cacophony you hear is the last gasp of the omelette of life churning one more time.

 

[ouizy]

these thoughts are random fodder thrown into a blender.

Precisely, and I would bet that if you hit the on button one more time and rearranged all these letters you would end up with some prose that spoke of bunny rabbits, flowers, and the sound of a harp playing sweet tunes...

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Precisely, and I would bet that if you hit the on button one more time and rearranged all these letters you would end up with some prose that spoke of bunny rabbits, flowers, and the sound of a harp playing sweet tunes...

or we could just leave that "button" on until the margaritas are nice and tart...

HAPPY GAY PRIDE EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

does a rhinoceros shit in the woods?

Well, of course not dummy, Rhino's live in the plains. But if you were at the South Park Zoo yesterday, as was i, you would have gotten to see one take a big dookie in its pool.

As Mr. Mackey likes to say, "ummmkay... only an animal shits where it sleeps.... ummmkay"

Anyway it was rather hot yesterday so i didnt get to take all of the pics i would have liked to because several of the animals were inside their shelter areas and could not be viewed. I barely missed the lions but when they went into their caves you could hear them ROAR! And let me tell you those suckers can ROAR!!!

Anyway here is what i got:

Sorry no lion, giraffe, cheetah, hippo, rhino, gorilla, etc. Actually had some pics of a big beautiful mountain lion looking at the camera but flash does not work well through the glass Same went for the beautiful little bobcat

Most of the big cats were in hiding due to the heat, and we totally missed the giraffe because we were trying to find a place that sold bottled water (yesterdays high temps were 103).

The elephants are up in another zoo hoping to mate with some other elephants, then we should have some baby elephants to take pics off. Also there were peacocks and ducks just wondering around all over the place. I plan to go back when it is cooler and take better pictures. I loved the zoo when i was a kid and i bet it has been 20 years since i have been to this one, if not longer. I bet if they served or i would be a zoo-regular. But obviously they dont want the people getting messed up and jumping into the grizzly bear exhibit or trying to pet the lions.

Hope you all like the pics....will take more better ones in a couple of months.

 

[No spoken words]

Pics are great.

I have a question, and if it's dumb, forgive me.....when you heard the Lions roar, even though they were in their caves, and you were clearly safe....did it evoke some sort of fear or feeling of nervousness from you?

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Pics are great.

I have a question, and if it's dumb, forgive me.....when you heard the Lions roar, even though they were in their caves, and you were clearly safe....did it evoke some sort of fear or feeling of nervousness from you?

YES! Because ive have never heard them roar before in person, only on tv. And even though we could not see them, and we knew we were very well protected, we could hear them very LOUD and CLEAR. Everyone got really quiet for a minute when the unmistakeable sound shook through our chest and people just kind of looked at each other for a few seconds like "WTF!" It was cool, but if im ever strolling about in the african plains by my lonesome and hear that sound...yeah....im the rhino in the pool.

 

[No spoken words]

Thanks....I would have thought that it would be a very primal thing, and that you could not help but to be a little afraid or at least awed.

 

[waynetravis]

If it did shit in the woods, would anyone hear it?

 

[Sicy]

Animals

 

[Angela Harlem]

My sister did a stint at werribee open range zoo, and we got to go all over the place with her driving one of the park 4x4's. It was something else to be able to hand feed a giraffe, rev up a very territorial rhino (and then get the firetruck out of there at warp speed once its hackles were well and truly up! - and jesus christ they are a damn lot bigger than they appear on tv!), tease the crazy ostriches who are just plain batshit, see the serval who was off limits to the general public while they rested her and organised some breeding programmes - they are a simply stunning wild cat, the serval, just beautiful, we got to help feed the lions, and see various other wonderful animals. Not a fan of animals in captivity, but a well thought out zoo I can accept, if the animals are given a lot of space and care.

 

[floweravalanche]

You I just had to laugh at you title I'm a zoo tech student and you have no idea how many time we get asked questions like that or one I really love lately look at the red gorilla when its an orangutan

You're pics look great glad you had a good time, isn't it awesome to hear the lions roar in person I know I love it when I hear it as well as tigers and what not.

The zoo here is knowen for its giraffe population the biggest one in the US they breed them and give them to other zoos and what not but I wish they would stop we have to many at the moment I love giraffes but its like they never stop mating.

Waynetravis if they heard it that would be one sick rhino makes me think of a movie ice age I think it was when the mammoth thought some animal was another mammoth but it was an animal going the bathroom.

Now that made me think of this clip it might not be animal taking a dump in the forest but its still funny I think also explain what swain flu really is
YouTube - Dinosaur Fart

 

[floweravalanche]

Not a fan of animals in captivity, but a well thought out zoo I can accept, if the animals are given a lot of space and care.

I couldn't agree more with you on that The more space and care the better. I'm really not a fan of the old fashion cages, thank God a lot of zoos are starting to get away from that and are starting to build more exhibits like the habitats the animals are from and give them more room and what not and I'm also glad they are starting to get away from the whole zoos are entertainment as well, now they are being used for conservation and education