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Old 04-05-2014, 10:08 PM   #481
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I hear that dogs... well, intense dogs... can sense the earth's magnetic field, thus allowing them to align themselves north-south when defecating.





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Old 04-06-2014, 04:57 AM   #482
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Old 04-06-2014, 10:44 AM   #483
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The dog intensely defecates north and south of the river. The river to hell, that is. Twelve thousand degrees Fahrenheit to the center of the earth, where hell resides, the earths magnetic center. The river flows with dead fish and doggy droppings, and birds who cannot swim.

Its a war alright, an all out war. The ash blows from atop an active mountain, the ring of fire and ancient bones. Rancid hell rains down on valleys below, trees consumed alive in an instant with the sound and fury of several atom bombs. She laughs at us from her rented cloud above. Close to safety she is but further from eternity she floats.

Once the dust finally settles and the dead claim their mourners, a winged creature makes swooping grand gestures in the sky and circles over a small town which has yet to awaken to the new day. She defecates on every vehicle that she can, knowing she has good aim, white and blue splatter on the shiny cars below is the only weapon of choice she can deliver.
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Old 04-06-2014, 10:09 PM   #484
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I'm claiming the rights on 'Intense Sausage Dog' for when we don't do do the animated series.
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Old 04-07-2014, 04:39 PM   #485
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Is this going to be another one of those 'how I met Garfield's odie's bitch mother?'
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Old 04-09-2014, 02:06 AM   #486
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That's My Bitch: The Garfield Years
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Old 04-10-2014, 04:09 AM   #487
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All of 'Lazarus's' 'Stories' Here (Dig, Lazarus, Dig)
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Old 05-14-2014, 04:06 PM   #488
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Achtung Bubba waves to Diamond Dave while passing cell block 6
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Old 05-14-2014, 06:19 PM   #489
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Achtung Bubba and Achtung Steve Fight Over Bodgy Vending Machine In The Rec Room
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Old 05-14-2014, 06:24 PM   #490
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The Rec Room is actually an underage gay bar in my town.

Actually its not totally gay, its just the anything goes kind of place.
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Old 05-16-2014, 04:27 AM   #491
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All of Achtung Bubba's Prison Stories In This Thread, Guys
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Old 08-08-2014, 06:31 AM   #492
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Originally Posted by Kieran McConville View Post
Bono Bummed Cigarette Off 98 Year Old War Veteran, Then Paid to Cover it Up: Sources

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Once upon a time there was a sausage dog.

Wruf, it said. Wruf.

The sausage dog cocked its head to one side, gazed upon the motionless body swinging by a leather belt from the shower tap, and said, wruf.

Wruf.

Later, the house got hotter. The sausage dog left the empty room now beginning to smell of bodily gases, trotted out through the dishevelled kitchen and through the small inset pet door installed for a cat that used to live here.

The sausage dog exited the small porch, crossed the lawn and stood on the sidewalk watching a kid bicycle past. The dog said wruf. The kid looked at the sausage dog, and the sausage dog looked back.

Later still, the sausage dog trotted back inside and munched on some dog biscuits deposited in its bowl earlier that day. The dog checked in on the body in the bathroom, and saw that it was still not moving. Wruf.

Early in the evening, as cicadas began to chirrup outside, the sausage dog stood in front of a couch which it was too short to climb onto. The sausage dog looked at the couch for a long time. Eventually the sausage dog exited the little pet door again, and stood on the porch for a while. Later, it trotted down the street towards the cluster of shops near the corner.

Wruf.
Okay, so after all of this time, i will admit i was the 98 year old war veteran. Mr. Bono is a very nice man i must admit. Quite humble. But he does like his smokes..and pizza. He paid me off well. Paid for a new plate in my head (the old one cracked under pressure). He also saw to it that i got a lifetime premium membership at....

Also he had his "people" take care of the body in the bathroom of my house. I don't miss her one bit. At my advanced age i can hardly even remember her name.

And by "people" i mean some surly guy on a motorcycle dressed in leather. He was a mean little guy who barely spoke and wouldn't crack a smile.

Every morning i walk out of my house onto the porch, down the street to the corner store, and buy my daily supply of cheap cigarettes, dipping snuf, and canned beer. I almost forgot twinkies and mountain dew....lots of that.

And every morning i pass by the light post on the corner with the faded sign reading "MISSING DOG...REWARD" that i put up for that bastard sausage dog. I never really liked that little dog but it was fun to watch and kick around. Nature played a mean trick on the sausage dog and i respect that. Wruf.
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Old 08-08-2014, 06:39 AM   #493
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Did Bono do that open mouthed posing 'scream' thing when he was accepting the cigarette off you?

Was he wearing eyeliner?
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Old 08-08-2014, 11:00 AM   #494
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He seemed like an okay enough guy for a fellow 1%er. I didn't get to look him in the eyes much because he wore those damn blue spectacles, also my eyesight isn't all that great since i took a direct hit in the face way back in Normandy.

I see a lot of strange things from time to time, in fact i sometimes curse things that may or may not be there.

Mr. Bono came to my house originally because he wanted to collect the reward for Sausage Dog, i told him to keep the damn dog and get off of my lawn. Then i realized he was that guy who used to pal around with Frank Sinatra. So of course i invited him into my home for fried goat cheese, spleen cuts, and bourbon so we could chat about my days with the mob.
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Old 08-08-2014, 11:07 AM   #495
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This man here once fed sausages made from his enemies to his sausage dog:

Don Logan rants for Live Aid 1st vid - YouTube

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