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Old 08-08-2014, 06:39 AM   #481
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Did Bono do that open mouthed posing 'scream' thing when he was accepting the cigarette off you?

Was he wearing eyeliner?
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Old 08-08-2014, 11:00 AM   #482
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He seemed like an okay enough guy for a fellow 1%er. I didn't get to look him in the eyes much because he wore those damn blue spectacles, also my eyesight isn't all that great since i took a direct hit in the face way back in Normandy.

I see a lot of strange things from time to time, in fact i sometimes curse things that may or may not be there.

Mr. Bono came to my house originally because he wanted to collect the reward for Sausage Dog, i told him to keep the damn dog and get off of my lawn. Then i realized he was that guy who used to pal around with Frank Sinatra. So of course i invited him into my home for fried goat cheese, spleen cuts, and bourbon so we could chat about my days with the mob.
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Old 08-08-2014, 11:07 AM   #483
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This man here once fed sausages made from his enemies to his sausage dog:

Don Logan rants for Live Aid 1st vid - YouTube

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Old 08-08-2014, 04:36 PM   #484
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Jacobite, enough of this charity BS

This thread is for the 1%er's only
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Old 08-11-2014, 09:34 PM   #485
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I would like some more 'stories,' please.
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Old 08-11-2014, 10:29 PM   #486
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for sale: baby shoes, never worn.
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Old 08-11-2014, 10:35 PM   #487
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For sale:


Reasonably priced wolf.

Genuine reason for sale.

Inquire within. No timewasters please.
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:17 PM   #488
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The old black beater sputtered and smoked as i gave it gas coming away from the traffic signal. I could hear the knocking under the hood and decided it was due time to dump the getaway car for more suitable means of transport. I coasted into the nearest car dealership and parked the mess as far away from the showroom as possible, gathered a couple of things along with my briefcase, and strolled casually towards the showroom.

As i entered the glass doors into the upscale showroom, a young man of impeccable attire introduced himself to me as "Justin" and asked what he could sell me today. I looked the guy over, it was hard to tell if he had been captain of the football team or head cheerleader in a past life, he was hard to read through all of his self confidence and swagger. The perfectly crisp shirt and polo club tie made him look like one of those assholes from wall street.

I followed him into an office at the corner of the showroom, passing along the way a brand new Mercedes S Class coupe on the showroom floor. It was draped in fantastic silver paint, glowing underneath the neon lights with its six figure price tag. Once inside Justin's office in the corner, i slid into an awkwardly comfortable leather chair and sat my briefcase down in the chair next to mine, keeping one hand on it while i gazed at the various awards which covered the wall of his office like paint.

When he asked me which car i might be interested in, i pointed out towards the glowing S class coupe, and told him i would take that one. His sea green eyes seemed vacant for a few moments, like he was lost in the middle of a play and was staring towards the sideline to read signals from the coach. I told him i was in a bit of a hurry and that i would need to make this transaction go as quickly and smoothly as possible. With that i spun my briefcase around and punched a few digits into a keypad so it would open. Then i spun it back around so that boy-wonder could view the contents of the briefcase, as i slowly opened it, i watched the green eyes appear to look even more lost and the perfectly tanned skin on his face seemed almost a little flushed.

I asked him how much for the car as i grabbed stacks of one hundred dollar bills out of my stocked briefcase. He suddenly regained his composure and apologetically explained that his dealership couldn't accept cash, but they would gladly accept checks, credit cards, or site drafts from my financial institution. I stared at the arrogant little prick for a few moments without blinking, at which time i again spoke my intentions for method of payment on the new car. He seemed a bit nervous at this point, and offered to take me to meet his finance manager. As he sprung to his feet, so did i, grabbing the wooden pen off of his desk that had his cute little initials embroidered onto the side. I took the lid off of the pen with my left hand and with my right hand i stuck the wooden dagger into his left eye with all of my might. He yelled as he fell back into his Italian leather chair, grasping the pen with one hand and clawing at his desk with the other, blood and other matter oozing out of his wound.

I casually began taking the horde of money out of my briefcase and began stuffing it into my pockets, down my shirt, down my pants, wherever i could find room until my briefcase was empty. As soon as i had emptied it, i set a device inside of my case, secured it and left it on the chair. Then i grabbed the S Class key from poor Justin's desk, and thanked him for his help.

I started the wonderfully awesome new S Class coupe and put it into gear, and then floored it and drove through the glass doors of the showroom in a fury, nearly collapsing the wall of the structure and tearing the grill off of my new super car. As soon as i was off of the dealership property, i dialed the number to my briefcase programmed into my smart phone, and hit "send". Within seconds, the bomb in my briefcase detonated with a massive "BOOM", which send shock waves for miles and glass and steel in every direction. I imagined how far down into the crater below the investigators would eventually find Justin's head.

I sped along the curvy highway as fast as i could, taking curves well over 100 miles per hour, skidding through intersections and running red lights. I was a man on fire without the flames but the smoke trail was growing. I must have went 20 miles before the light came on telling me something was wrong with the engine, overheating, perhaps due to a damaged radiator, as well as a low fuel indicator light. Damn new cars, i thought to myself, they don't make them like they used to.

So i pulled the new beat up super car into a parking lot in front of what was surprisingly a train station. People were milling about like ants, many looking at the smart phones, some of whom had surely just learned about the "accident" at the Mercedes dealership the next town over.

I walked towards the train station when i noticed a man who looked rather out of place here. He was possibly homeless, from another country, maybe a bum for all i knew. But he had a nice backpack on his right shoulder and i sure could use it on the train. I tossed him the keys to the silver coupe and told him i would trade him for his backpack. He looked confused, nervous, and said nothing to me at all. Instead he just looked around like a lost puppy in the rain. I pulled some money out of my pants and handed it to him, probably $10k worth, and asked him again for his backpack, slowly hoping that he would understand.

The man looked scared, and sad even, as he reluctantly accepted my gift and traded me the backpack for the car keys and cash. I struggled to get the backpack on my old shoulders, muttering to myself he must be carrying his entire life in the bag. I carefully bought a ticket at the station and slowly climbed aboard and found a nice seat towards the back of the train.

Once the train eased away from the stop, i would very cautiously take a few bills at a time from all of the places i had hidden them on my person, and began to stuff them quietly into the various pockets of the backpack.

As i would do this, i couldn't help but notice a rather odd dressed woman the next aisle up and over from me, she looked like she might have been wearing an outfit from the early 1900's. In her lap sat a baby, who kept staring at me. Now this wasn't your ordinary baby that was looking at me, this was the most intense baby i had ever seen. But this baby did not cry or try and get its mothers attention, bottle, or whatever. The baby sat in mothers' lap and just stared at me with those incredibly large and piercing eyes.

I tried to look away, catch a glimpse of the scenery we were passing through, but would inevitably turn my head and look back at this child. This is when i noticed the mother finally turned her head back to look at me. Through her bonnet covered head i finally got a look at her, and i couldn't believe my own eyes. She had a long pointy nose and her eyes were completely solid black, her cheekbones swept up almost to those soulless orbs, her face covered in warts or boils, and her chin came to a dramatic conclusion underneath her pale lifeless lips.

I had to turn away from the horror. She looked like the devil in the flesh. I turned my attention to the heavy backpack full of cash instead of the monster one aisle in front of me and over. I wondered to myself what could possibly make this bag so heavy, so i decided to open it.

After moving some of the money around in the main compartment, i pulled out a large blanket to reveal some type of black device, which seemed to be taking up most of the room and accounting for the majority of the weight in the bag. I didn't get a good look at it so i used my phone to illuminate the inside of the bag for a better view. Thats when i felt the bag shift, sort of come alive.

To my horror, it was a bomb, one of "mine" in fact. To make matters worse, i had just turned it on with my phone! I searched frantically for the kill switch to deactivate the device, when i noticed the red LED readout was counting down

10....9....8.....7.....6

I was starting to panic when i noticed the lady in the seat in front of me was still looking at me, this time some color had come back to her face and she smiled at me with the most hideous smile i had ever seen. Her eyes glowed red now and the baby began to point at me and laugh along with his amused mother..

5....4.....3.....2.....

BOOM!
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Old 08-16-2014, 12:18 AM   #489
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McGuinness cancels factory order of 2015 S Class coupe
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Old 08-16-2014, 02:37 AM   #490
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Redrum
redrum

redrum!
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Old 08-16-2014, 09:26 AM   #491
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Surprised Neighbors describe man on train as "helpful, church-going"
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Old 08-16-2014, 08:31 PM   #492
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Area Man Has A Backpack To Give You
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Old 08-17-2014, 02:37 PM   #493
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Area Man's final tweet "this train bound for Glory"
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Old 08-19-2014, 04:45 AM   #494
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Praise his name
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Old 08-19-2014, 04:32 PM   #495
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SAY his name
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