All of Kieran McConville's 'stories' HERE

[Mrs. Garrison]

When you say hug, do you mean hug the life out of them?

 

[Kieran McConville]

more like grope a stranger week knowing geoffrey lord, amiright?

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Oh.

Did i ever tell you about the time i went to the airport and stripped down butt naked at the security checkpoint?

 

[Kieran McConville]

No, I was not familiar with that time, I must admit.

 

[Kieran McConville]

Fuck everything.

 

[Kieran McConville]

Rob Lowe Checks Up On Latest From #firstworldlowes While Wiping Smear of Cocaine From Left Nostril

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Hermaphrodite to star in reality series 'Dating Naked'


Hermaphrodite is not a Greek God - suspected title of upcoming Garfield comic

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Asleep on an airplane im a floating miracle or so it seems. I can't hardly get onto an airplane with all of my anxiety as it is. So the sheer fact that i am able to let it all go and float through the sky at 30,000 feet for hours and hours in a deep slumber is nothing short of a miracle.

Something jolted me awake somewhere over Europe, i was a bit woozy and not fully aware when i noticed him standing over me. He was an older man wearing physician's scrubs and a mask, and he peered out at me through his protective eye glasses.

My initial thoughts were a combination of what the hell and how many drinks did i have at the airport lounge? Probably too many...but still. I noticed the cabin of the airplane was mostly dark save for the light over my seat and the roar of the engines was still audible. I felt very numb and mostly lethargic, i tried to move around but for the most part i could not. I tried to speak to the Doctor but couldn't find the words.

The man with the physicians mask was doing something to my abdomen but i was unable to see or feel anything. Some odd pressure here and there was all. I could see the blood splattering on his glasses had not affected the determination in his eyes. More pressure felt, this time on my chest cavity, i was able to look away and see a child's toy doll laying in the floor in the middle aisle of the cabin. It was covered in blood. Also in the aisle a flight attendant was packing my small intestines into dry ice, after stretching them out so see how far they would measure. They appeared to go up towards the cockpit from where i sat at the end of the first class section.

I still felt mostly nothing, other than some muted regret, as the physician sat down in the chair next to mine and began to examine my heart, still beating, on the tray table of the chair in front of his. I looked longingly at my heart on the table, it flopped around like a fish out of water, such a prize and yet a bit on the messy side. The physician carefully took his finest surgical ware out of an expensive case and began to cut my heart into small pieces. As he did so, the flight attendant refilled his wine glass and brought him a side of horseradish sauce and a moist towel.

He dined on my heart slowly, careful to savor the juices, textures, and aroma. When he was finished he carefully got up and excused himself to go to another part of the plane.

I thought this might be a good time to pinch myself and see if maybe this was all just a bad dream. Unfortunately at this point the flight attendants came and whisked me away and out of my chair into a small wheelchair type device. This is when i looked back at the seat i had been sitting in and noticed all of the blood, along with my very own brain sitting on the tray table in the window seat on my other side.

Before i knew it, they had rolled me towards the exit of the plane, unlocked and opened the door, and threw me off of the plane. I did not have the sensation that i was falling, instead i felt as though maybe i was floating. The plane disappeared in the distance and i remained fixed in place. All of the stars were below me and light clouds had formed a wall above me. I tried to reach the clouds but could only watch them move amongst themselves, ever so slowly.

As the plane disappeared from view i began to feel something hitting me, several somethings in fact were hitting me. I would turn around and through the pitch black sky i could at first not see anything. It felt like a flock of bats swarming around me. Eventually the moon would illuminate them to reveal they were much bigger than anticipated. The creatures were human sized beasts with dark wings and rodent looking faces, they were all around me and carrying me and communicating with each other in a very high pitched frequency almost undetectable to the human ear. Before i knew it they had carried me off to the massive wall of clouds, which they might have called their home, and left me to rest on one elevation in particular.

I watched these dark creatures as they swarmed around the black sky. They seemed to operate through different currents and pockets of atmosphere which let them go undetected to man. I don't know how long this went on. Eventually off in the distance a light appeared, and then it was two or three lights. As they got closer, it was clear the lights belonged to another aircraft. It was approaching us at a good rate of speed.

The strange creatures came up to me and pushed and pulled on me until i was positioned as they wanted me. Then they all held me into place and the chatter amongst themselves seemed to cease, as if they were bracing for impact. The plane kept getting closer when i realized it was going to hit us, we would take a direct hit.

I actually saw the look in one of the pilots horrified faces just before impact. And a split second later i was sucked up into one of the planes mighty engines, which shredded me into a thousand pieces or more. I could hear the cries for help inside the cabin as a desperate crew called out to a tower somewhere in the depths below. The other engine on the opposite wing failed as well when one of the dark creatures was sucked into it.

Without any power to propel itself, the giant plane immediately began to descend to the ground below, where it would make landfall with a giant fireball. Part of me went with it, part of me stayed up in the air, floating around the atmosphere, part of me was on the previous airplane, and part of me was basically everywhere.

As bits and pieces of me began to form back together i would slowly take shape of the dark and mysterious winged creatures that ruled the night skies. I could hear so many noises and feel electricity in my skin, all of the voices of everyone in the world was in my ear. I couldn't make it stop if i wanted to, and i really had no interest in doing so.

Over the burning fires i would remove any chances of rain. Into the volcano i would light the fuse. I would spin every funnel cloud and break a hole into the heavens above it just to give it proper suction.

All in the name of science, as the physician had told me, back on that airplane just as i had drifted off to sleep. All in the name of science.

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Report - First class upgrade not always worth it

 

[gvox]

Sent from my ass crack

 

[Kieran McConville]

Geez, it took sicy nearly a week to merge everything this time. #firstworldprocrastination

 

[Kieran McConville]

Larry Mullen Declares Rock Music 'Of the Devil', Quits Band

Saying he'd had a 'gutfull', the drummer and noted motorcycling enthusiast denounced rock music as 'the devil's plaything, his chew toy, and we the chewed', and dramatically quit U2 by driving his Harley off a ramp and across the Grand Canyon on television, for charity.

Mullen is survived by his wife and kids.

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

I had a dream about the devil's chew toy today. I sleep a lot.

 

[Kieran McConville]

Got a devils haircut
in my mind
got a devils haircut
in my mind
got a devils haircut
in my mind
all of kieran mcconvilles
'stories'
here
gang
got a devils haircut
in my mind
got a devils haircut
in my mind
got a devils haircut
in my mind
got a devils haircut
in my mind

 

[PhilsFan]

 

[Kieran McConville]

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

My suspicions about Jon have been correct all along!

 

[Kieran McConville]

Huzzah!

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

The chick from the NSA looks a lot like someone Jon used to date

 

[Kieran McConville]

Surely coincidence that she also looks like his former girlfriend who, along with her new boyfriend, a cop, put his name on a computer database of sex offenders as a prank.

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Jon has the look of a sexual predator type, don't let the wheelchair fool you.

 

[Kieran McConville]

He spends a lot of time with animals too. There's that.

 

[Mrs. Garrison]

Every couple of weeks or so, i drive over to a quiet neighborhood adjacent to mine, to covet what i do not have because i chose the wrong button on the elevator.

Not just an elevator, perhaps they put the wrong air in the balloon, not the wrong type of air that is. Just the wrong balloon. Everything turns out to be wrong when you are faced with eternal circles of power, burning and glowing, you make a split second decision based on what they are giving you, only to find out the choice wasn't yours.

I sit outside of the fantastic manor blinded by trees glazed in ice which grow up towards the fog in this frozen hell we were given on this day. Branches giving up and crashing down to earth are of no consequence to me or my situation at the present. I pull a single bullet out of my gun and place it on the dashboard, meanwhile staring down the barrel of the gun between puffs of my cigar and a sip of something made just for me.

Eventually i will reach into my overcoat and pull out a handwritten note which i place into a woven basket i have sitting in the floorboard on the passenger side of the car. I get out of the warm car, walk around to the other side and open the door, grabbing the woven basket, which i will take to the front porch of the beautiful home i have been sitting in front of for the last several minutes.

After placing the woven basket onto the front porch, i calmly turn around and walk back to my warm car, careful to avoid any limbs which may or may not litter the sidewalk, and pause just outside of my car to turn and look back at the magnificent home which was surely built for me.

If only i had an army, i think to myself, i would take that army of mine and invade this castle. I would kill everyone inside, smear their blood all over the walls of this palace and hang their lifeless bodies from the gables and the roof top spires for all of the world to see. This is my kingdom i will soon lay claim to.

As i open the car door i see the inhabitants of my home peering from one of the fancy windows. I wave at them with a sweeping gesture and a mostly sincere smile. They don't return the wave, so i figure i better get on my way as i only have a few moments before the authorities show up.

On my last visit i had left them some homemade jam and seasonal fruits, with my own special poison, and a hand written note inviting them to attend my church. I have yet to see them in my congregation, but i remain hopeful that they will show up. Today i made them a special pie, along with some excrement, and another note inviting them to church. I figure they will get the hint eventually...in a couple weeks i may have to put an actual baby in the basket....symbolic of the virgin birth, of course.

Another sip from the decanter in my overcoat and im back behind the wheel of the running car. I slip the car into gear and pull away slowly so as not to disturb the bullet resting on top of the dash. The fog is still clinging to the tops of the trees who were birthed up from the frozen ground.

Once i pass down the drive onto the next, i realize everything around me is meaningless and the road im traveling is a dead end for some. It could be my job to warn them of the dangers which lie ahead, advise them to turn around, seek the light.

Except i won't do such a thing. The blood stains on the walls weren't a gift from the clouds or the dirt beneath the roots where the water dwells. The single bullet on the dashboard shakes a bit as the road gets a little bit bumpy thanks to some aging pot holes and watery puddles which need repair. The ghost beside me doesn't care for my driving or my second hand smoke. I can't get him out of my mind but the bullet remains. Of this i am surely not wrong.

 

[Kieran McConville]

So guys - FUCK PISS, PISS OUT MY ASS - what are you planning to do? type the last thing you - CUNT DEATH BALLS GAK - thought of. What are you eating right -

MOTHERFUCKING SHIT PISS ASS FUCK

- now?

 

[Kieran McConville]

let's make a story guys.

once upon a time, there was a... monkey, called Frank. And he was a very old monkey. So old in fact that his hair was all gone, and his eyes looked like a pair of cut-glass diamonds glued into his gaping eye sockets. And his p-

anyway, Frank, the monkey, was discovered in a travelling zoo in Alexandria, in 1875, where he'd wound up after being expelled from the court of the Ottoman sultan on account of f- (redacted)

Nobody knows where Frank came from originally, but he was very, very old. Possibly even old enough to have once belonged to Nebuchadnezzar. Some said he was Nebuchadnezzar.

Well one day in the late twentieth century Frank wound up on the doorstep of a systems analyst in Michigan called Jon Arbunkle, and f- (redacted)

 

[Kieran McConville]

should we talk about the weather, should we talk about the -

MMFUCK ASS PISS, PISS OUT MY ASS

- government.

 

[Alan Jamison]

 

[Kieran McConville]

Dear Alan Jamison, how are you, I am fine, noughts and crosses, KMC.

 

[Zoomerang96]

Zedbetty confirms he's "no longer a moderator" at Stormfront

by Ted Connors

Citing "differences of opinion", Zedbetty today penned an open letter to the New York times saying that he'T officially parted ways with Stormfront.

The rest of the story just writes itself, really.

 

[Zoomerang96]

BVS demands Larry Mullen JR release medical records, insists U2 hitman has ebola