All of Alan Jamison's 'Stories' Here - Page 3 - U2 Feedback

Go Back   U2 Feedback > Lypton Village > Lemonade Stand
Click Here to Login
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
 
Old 10-29-2014, 08:18 PM   #31
Rock n' Roll Doggie
FOB
 
Kieran McConville's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Auto Dafoe
Posts: 9,600
Local Time: 11:11 AM
"Aw that's alright man, I'm just the roadie."

"Yeah, that's right. You are."
__________________

__________________
Kieran McConville is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-01-2014, 10:25 AM   #32
Rock n' Roll Doggie
ALL ACCESS
 
Mrs. Garrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: pig farming in Bolivia
Posts: 7,219
Local Time: 07:11 PM
The Jamison house of Horrors

Every year i receive an invitation to the annual Jamison halloween party. This year i decided to attend, per invitation, in a wicked costume. I was Albert Einstein, with crazy hair, glasses, a giant penis nose, and dirty lab coat. I rode through the beautiful old neighborhood to the Jamison estate. It was a nice older home on a pretty street, the grass was starting to go dormant and the leaves had just begun to turn as well. There was a chill in the air as i walked up the stony sidewalk towards the entry to the home.

Before i could ring on the chime, the large old wooden door creaked open on its own, allowing me entry to the Jamison estate. Standing in the marble entry way, a very tall and pale woman was there to greet me. She was shockingly tall and thin, with a neck that must have been 6 inches in height, and her mouth was surprisingly missing off of her ashen face. The fear in her eyes spoke volumes though.

I entered into a parlor area where only a few guests still remained, mostly seated. A woman in a maid costume did not make eye contact with me, instead she sobbed into her cleaning rag. Across from her sat a younger man, pale and bald, who's face was full of sharp pins or needles, like an acupuncture session gone awry. He tried to take a sip of his cocktail but couldn't get his wide glass close enough to his mouth for all of the pins, so it spilled on his clothing. He reeked of disappointment. In the corner of the room behind a large fake palm tree, a young starlet with way too much makeup on laid in a ball on the floor. Her makeup was smudged and she appeared unconscious. An empty bottle of booze within her grasp and a bottle of pills, opened and spilling out onto the floor, told her story.

I decided to excuse myself from the parlor and walked down a particularly long and curvy hallway in search of a restroom. The first door i came too i would open to find a dark and open space, with a stairwell leading down to something. I paused when i heard something unnatural rustling from the depths below, decided not to venture down that pathway and closed the door.

The next doorway was closed, but i could hear noise and a human voice, though somewhat muffled. I entered the room relieved to have found the bathroom, though disturbed by what i had saw. The floor had plenty of blood on it, the long marble counter tops had plenty of blood on them as well. The shower was running, and i could hear a man's voice singing "the lion sleeps tonight". I didn't know what to expect behind the pulled shower curtain, after seeing all of the blood on the floor and elsewhere, so curiousity got the better of me, and i opened the shower curtain.

A young man of probably 20 years of age, clean cut and fresh faced, was showering and singing along to himself. When he noticed me staring at him, his only response was "Hey bro, good game!" I closed the shower curtain and decided to leave the bathroom as well. Out in the hallway i immediately ran into a half dozen or so young men of similair age and appearance, all of them naked with dried blood on their youthful skin. Most of them had towels draped over their shoulders as they were going into the bathroom. Several of them wanted to high-five me, others smacked me on the butt, shouting enthusiastically "good game bro!"

Down the hallway further into the depths of the old house and past the bloody footsteps of the young men, i came upon a door which seemed almost out of place. Naturally i opened this door, which immediately led to a stairway up to another level. I climbed a couple of flights of stairs until i got to the top and found another door. This one was more difficult to open. After several tries i finally got this doorway open, which led to what seemed like an old attic.

All around this attic i came across old chests, racks of old clothes, and on one wall there was a shelf that took up the entire wall, with nothing but large stuffed animals. The animals appeard as though they were frozen in time. The pale light that entered from the stairway reflected in their glassy eyes. I had the strangest sensation that these stuffed animals were watching me.

Then i heard something move in the darkness behind me. Over in the corner of the large attic appeared a light on the floor, which apparently came underneath another doorway. I had no choice but to go towards this light. When i got to the door, it would open automatically, to another room which was cluttered with all kinds of strange and unusual objects. The room was low lit, but in the corner i clearly saw my host sitting alone in his rocking chair, smoking a cigarette and staring off into space.

"Won't you come in and join me, old chap?" Jamison said, extending his hand and offering me to sit down in a rocking chair adjacent to his own. I took him up on his offer and sat down in the chair near his, though visibly disturbed when the door slammed shut behind me. Jamison didn't say anything for a few moments, he just sat in his chair and puffed on his cigarette, staring at the antique wooden floors.

Finally his gaze shifted towards the array of cages he had over in the corner of the room. "This world is unfortunate. Humanity itself is a mistake" He puffed on his cigarette a few more times until it was almost out, and then slowly put it into a bucket next to his chair, which contained a couple of hundred other cigarette butts. He looked intently at me for the first time, "i believe we have found a way to fix this mistake". He then took his right hand and put it underneath the back of his head, and with his left hand he put it under his chin, and with all of his might he lifted his head up until it came off of his neck and body. He sat his head down on the table between the rocking chairs.

His headless body then slowly got up out of the chair, pulled a cigarette out of the pack and placed it in his mouth, and carefully lit the cigarette for him. His head puffed on the cigarette, staring off into space, and between puffs he told me he had "the key to the end of civilization" here in this room. Per his directions, the headless body walked slowly over to the assortment of cages on the opposite wall, and rummaged through them blindly, while his head would give directions; "no not that one, behind it, no..to the left...Yes...thats the one".

Carefully his headless body turned around and carried the cage over towards me and sat it down on my lap. Inside the cage something roared. As i looked at it closely, it was an adult male african lion inside of this cage, though he was no bigger than an average mouse. I looked up at Jamison, puzzled, as i watched his headless body take the cigarette out of his mouth on the table, knock the ashes off of the cigarette for him, and carefully place it back into his mouth. Jamison looked at me and directed me to go and unleash the caged lion onto the world, between puffs of smoke.

I left the old mansion with my caged lion in hand, roaring at me from it's cage. As i walked down the street i noticed a large bus that i had not seen before, mangled as if it had been in some type of accident. At that point i tripped over a drain in the street near the curb, falling down and dropping the cage. My penis nose was stuck in the drain, and so i was only able to free it after talking off my over sized costume glasses. I got back to my feet alright but when i looked around for the cage it was nowhere to be found. I thought i heard some kids off in the distance running away, laughing, as kids often do.
__________________

__________________
Mrs. Garrison is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2014, 05:19 AM   #33
Rock n' Roll Doggie
FOB
 
Kieran McConville's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Auto Dafoe
Posts: 9,600
Local Time: 11:11 AM
Alan Jamison Waiting Call From Madrigal Electrical About All The Damn Lights Never Being On (That's How All Those Young Jocks Came To Be Covered In Blood, Of Course It Is)
__________________
Kieran McConville is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2014, 06:31 AM   #34
Refugee
 
stray dog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: usa
Posts: 1,030
Local Time: 01:11 AM
Nm
__________________
stray dog is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2014, 07:52 AM   #35
Rock n' Roll Doggie
FOB
 
Kieran McConville's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Auto Dafoe
Posts: 9,600
Local Time: 11:11 AM
What? Is there a problem? Because posts reading 'nm' are not a good sign.
__________________
Kieran McConville is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2014, 05:36 PM   #36
Rock n' Roll Doggie
ALL ACCESS
 
Mrs. Garrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: pig farming in Bolivia
Posts: 7,219
Local Time: 07:11 PM
Jamison denies hiding ricin cigarette in wall outlet
__________________
Mrs. Garrison is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2014, 07:09 PM   #37
Rock n' Roll Doggie
FOB
 
Kieran McConville's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Auto Dafoe
Posts: 9,600
Local Time: 11:11 AM
Well he would, wouldn't he? I bet he hid ricin cigarettes in every wall outlet. That's probably why there's no lights.
__________________
Kieran McConville is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2014, 07:26 PM   #38
Rock n' Roll Doggie
ALL ACCESS
 
Mrs. Garrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: pig farming in Bolivia
Posts: 7,219
Local Time: 07:11 PM
Jamison admits electricity was cut off to estate after losing fortune in Stevia Stocks
__________________
Mrs. Garrison is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-03-2014, 09:03 PM   #39
Rock n' Roll Doggie
FOB
 
Kieran McConville's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Auto Dafoe
Posts: 9,600
Local Time: 11:11 AM
Jamison would be terrified if he knew panther has crush on him too
__________________
Kieran McConville is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2014, 05:46 PM   #40
Rock n' Roll Doggie
ALL ACCESS
 
Mrs. Garrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: pig farming in Bolivia
Posts: 7,219
Local Time: 07:11 PM
Mysterious outbreak of violence and sickness in Jamison neighborhood
__________________
Mrs. Garrison is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-04-2014, 08:05 PM   #41
Rock n' Roll Doggie
FOB
 
Kieran McConville's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Auto Dafoe
Posts: 9,600
Local Time: 11:11 AM
Alan Jamison is like that guy in Boogie Nights, the one with the kid letting off firecrackers every few seconds.
__________________
Kieran McConville is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-09-2014, 11:11 AM   #42
Rock n' Roll Doggie
ALL ACCESS
 
Mrs. Garrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: pig farming in Bolivia
Posts: 7,219
Local Time: 07:11 PM
Jamison describes hell to visiting police detectives as a "cartoon of the possible where everything makes sense".
__________________
Mrs. Garrison is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-09-2014, 05:40 PM   #43
Rock n' Roll Doggie
FOB
 
Kieran McConville's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Auto Dafoe
Posts: 9,600
Local Time: 11:11 AM
Heaven is like a great feast where everyone's cutlery is way too long, but it's ok, they feed each other. Hell is the same feast with all the the lights out, the tables overturned, and Adolf Hitler equipped with nightvision goggles following you around in the darkness.
__________________
Kieran McConville is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-22-2014, 12:24 PM   #44
Rock n' Roll Doggie
ALL ACCESS
 
Mrs. Garrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: pig farming in Bolivia
Posts: 7,219
Local Time: 07:11 PM
The Jamison Effect

The patrol car drove through the quiet sleepy neighborhood up to the Jamison estate for an unscheduled visit to the proprietor himself. Jamison watched the car slowly make its way up to the driveway as fallen leaves blew out of its path. Jamison, who was sitting in an old rocking chair on his front porch with a lit cigarette in his mouth, stared quietly at the moon which hung barely over the tops of distant trees. Occasionally a cloud would float across the face of the moon. Jamison took this as a sign to put out his cigarette into a bucket full of old cigarette butts, which sat next to his chair.

Two police detectives in cheap suits and dark trench coats got out of the standard issue patrol car, unmarked and dark as the night, and slowly approached the stony path which lead from the drive up to the estate. As the men approached, the flick and visible flame of a lighter startled them, as Jamison lit a cigarette from his chair. He greeted the two men and asked them to join him on the porch to sit a spell. The two detectives exchanged nervous glances and then cautiously proceeded.

The detectives would ask Jamison if he had heard of or seen anything out of the ordinary in the neighborhood; screams in the night, wild animals on the loose, etc. Jamison continued to stare at the rising moon over the tops of the distant trees. He didn't say a word, at first, only continued to stare at the distant moon and exhale smoke from his nose and mouth as he ashed onto the cement below him.

"The only thing i can see at this very moment in time, which is out of the ordinary, is the moon's reflection in my own eyes. This world is ordinary, these streets are ordinary, your clothes are ordinary. All unfortunate mistakes of a world trying too hard to justify its very existence....for the sake of conforming with a society that is doomed to hell.....if hell even exists. And i sure hope it does"

The two detectives exchanged nervous glances with each other, and then the lead detective handed his business card to Jamison, thanking him for his time, and asked him to please call either of them if he were to see anything "suspicious". Jamison took the card and nodded at the two men, wishing them a good night as they departed his property.

Jamison watched the car leave his property and slowly drive off down the dark and quiet street. He then got up out of his rocking chair and stood up, brushing off cigarette ashes from his security officer uniform. Casually he walked down the path to the driveway, and then up the drive to an old pickup truck parked in front of the garage. He got into the truck and fired it up, after several attempts to get the ignition to turn over.



After a 20 minute drive or so, the old pickup truck arrived at it's destination on the outskirts of town. The museum, which sat on the edge of the town university, was mostly vacant save for a few parked cars and a big bus in the large open parking lot. On the other side of the museum was a massive hedge maze, famous all around this part of the country, for all of the wrong reasons.

Jamison got out of his parked truck, rummaged around the bed of the truck until he found a shovel and a flashlight. He paused for a second to look up at the moon, as if he was waiting for some kind of celestial direction.

He casually walked towards the giant hedge maze when suddenly he stopped and looked back in the direction towards the bus. As he stared over at the bus, the moon reflected brilliantly out of his eyes for a moment, until the passing clouds obscured it from view. He then proceeded towards the large bus. The door to the bus was partially open, so it wasn't much of a struggle for him to pry it open the rest of the way with his shovel. Once he climbed aboard the bus, he shined the flashlight to reveal that it was mostly empty, aside from some personal belongings.

At this point he heard some commotion coming from the very back of the bus. He walked slowly towards the back of the bus, flashlight still pointed in his the direction in which he proceeded. thats when he came upon two college girls, in various states of undress, embracing each other in a sensual fashion.

Outside of the bus, a pair of screams could be heard echoing off of the side of the museum building and the woodline opposite of the parking lot. The screams were followed by several muted impact noises, which was followed by immediate silence. The normal sounds of night would resume.

A pair of janitors quietly emerged from the depths of the hedge maze, pushing cleaning carts, and went towards the back of the bus. As a door opened to the back of the bus, a pair of roundish objects fell off and landed on the pavement below, rolling for a bit until they came to a stop. The Janitors collected these objects and put them into their trash carts. Then, with the assistance of security guard Jamison, they removed two lifeless bodies from the bus and placed them on the carts as well.

"You might want to clean up this mess", Jamison said, gesturing towards the back seats inside of the bus with one hand, as he reached into his pocket for the pack of cigarettes with his other. After he lit a cigarette he grabbed his flashlight and shovel and headed towards the large hedge maze. He paused only momentarily to look up at the moon to capture the light in his eyes, and then back to the bus where the two janitors were pushing the cleaning carts off towards the rear of the museum.

As the clouds covered the moon once again, Jamison exhaled smoke, which swirled around his head on this dark and damp night like an unholy halo from the depths of someplace he had only caught a fleeting glimpse on rare occasions. He then slowly lumbered toward the hedge maze with his shovel and his flashlight leading the way.
__________________
Mrs. Garrison is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-26-2014, 03:34 PM   #45
Rock n' Roll Doggie
ALL ACCESS
 
Mrs. Garrison's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: pig farming in Bolivia
Posts: 7,219
Local Time: 07:11 PM
The Jamison Family Holiday Meal Part 1

As the sun began to rise over the dark horizon, the two museum janitors came to the security office where Jamison sat asleep in his chair, feet propped up onto the desk and cigarette still dangling from his lifeless hands. They quietly nudged him to tell him that the graveyard shift was over, though careful not to startle him too much, as they knew the consequences of such action might not be favorable to them.

Jamison got up from his desk, weary from the nap he had slumbered into, stretched and brushed ashes off of his uniform, and then grabbed his big key chain and departed the facility.

He drove the old pickup truck back towards the grocery store where he often would get groceries after his shift. This time would be different though, as the Holidays were rapidly approaching, he wanted to stop at the mental hospital to pick up cousin Grohl Jamison and check him out for the weekend to have dinner with the family.

Grohl Jamison was much larger than Alan Jamison, he was horribly disfigured from injures he received in a meth lab explosion back in the mid-90s. His hair was all gone, mostly pale scar tissue covered his face, his skin was pasty white to freakishly pink, and he lumbered around when he walked like an orangutan. Also his tongue was missing, which meant he spoke mostly in a series of grunts and growls, and often made wild hand gestures.

Alan and Grohl Jamison drove the old pickup truck from the hospital to the nearby grocery store, which was already starting to get busy with the good people of town shopping for their holiday meal fixings. Jamison lit a cigarette as they walked inside the grocery store, motioned for Cousin Grohl to grab a shopping cart, which was a good deterrent to keep him away from the helium bottles in the floral section which were used to inflate balloons.

They made their way through the supermarket, choosing their selections carefully. At one point Cousin Grohl grunted very loudly at some sweet potatoes, pointing wildly as if to say they should grab them. Jamison, exhaling cigarette smoke and ashing all over the floor, disapproved of the sweet potatoes and advised Cousin Grohl to remove them from the basket. Cousin Grohl was noticably disappointed and began to grab the 30 or so sweet potatoes from the basket in a flurry of arms swinging and slobbering pig noises. When he had finished, all of the sweet potatoes had fallen off of their display case and onto the grocery store floor with Jamison's cigarette ashes.

As they made it to the beer aisle, Jamison was having a hard time deciding what type of beer they would need. So he opened a can for him and Cousin Grohl and each took turns taking a swig from each others cans to decide which they should buy. Finally they decided to buy both cases and so they did, after a couple of cans had been tossed down.

"Umm ugh hmmm ugh mmmh rbbbb" Cousin Grohl grunted, desperately trying to get Jamison's attention. Jamison looked at his cousin and pointed towards a door in the corner of the store, "the restroom is over there i believe" he said calmly. As he watched Cousin Grohl hop over towards the corner he reached into his pocket and grabbed a cigarette and lit it, to the horror of an older lady who happened to be in the aisle next to him pushing her own basket. He heard a commotion and looked up to see Cousin Grohl stumbling back over towards him, his overalls down around his knees, grunting desperately. Jamison sighed and helped Cousin Grohl pull his overalls back up, to the dismay of a lady who was shopping with her children.

As they approached the meat section, an entire row of prize turkeys and hams shined underneath florescent lights fresh for their pleasure. This sent Cousin Grohl into a frenzy, he ran up to the counter and pushed a man out of the way, reaching into the bin he picked up a turkey, then flung it over his head back to the floor behind him. He picked up another, inspected it, then quickly discarded it as well. He did this several more times until there were turkeys cluttering the aisle in front of the meat counter. Finally he found one that excited him, he held it up high and looked back at Jamison "Pbbbbb oink mmmmmb Mbbbbb!"

Jamison exhaled and then threw down his cigarette, "okay old boy, you know the drill" and with that Jamison reached down to his side holster and removed the fastener while Cousin Grohl reached down and then heaved the giant frozen turkey up into the air as high as he could. At the same moment, Jamison drew his 44 magnum from his holster and took aim at the flying turkey, fired two shots at it before it hit the ground. Unfortunately he missed the turkey, but one round went through the glass behind the meat case where the butcher was cutting some meat. It barely missed him. The other round hit the ceiling of the store.

Several customers screamed, and ran towards the front door, abandoning their shopping carts. Cousin Grohl would not be discouraged though, he found another prize turkey which looked just right for the Jamison family holiday meal, he heaved it as far as he could up into the air and down the aisle. As he did so, Jamison took aim at the flying frozen turkey, and fired four shots. One shot hit a metal pole and pinged back towards Jamison and Cousin Grohl. Another couple of rounds hit a canned soda display, sending soda spewing all over the aisles. The final shot hit its intended target, dead center mass into the frozen turkey.

"He shoots, he scores" Jamison said with a half smile, as he holstered his massive 44 magnum back into his side. He looked at Cousin Grohl, who was smiling with approval, and had a 44 magnum round that he had caught with his teeth. "Good catch cuzn" Jamison said fondly to his family member, as he pulled another cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. Cousin Grohl ran over to retrieve their prize kill frozen turkey from the floor, slipping on the way in some soda that had spilled all over the floor from the stray bullets.

The two of them casually finished up their shopping for the Jamison gang holiday meal, occasionally stopping to sample this or that, eventually they made their way to the checkout where Jamison would try and smooth talk the checkout lady and Cousin Grohl would stick his hands down his overalls and grunt. When the checkout was complete, they left the store and loaded up the old truck, which would take them back to the Jamison estate.
__________________

__________________
Mrs. Garrison is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:11 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Design, images and all things inclusive copyright © Interference.com