Wrote this list while in a variety of moods over the past several days. If I reread it I'll probably never post it, so here it is in all it's moody glory.
1) I haven't had a "real" job since May 10, 1996
2) For the past 15 years I have been a full time caregiver to my mentally and physically disabled aunt and, until her death several years ago, also to my mom.
3) For 12-13 years before that I helped with the care giving for my aunt, and increasingly towards the last few years of that period, for my mom also
4) I never wanted children of my own
5) ...but I take care of a permanent child, who will never become less dependent on me, only more dependent as she ages
6) I often feel at the end of my rope
7) I often think about getting in my car, driving away and never coming back. I know I never will.
8) I often think about getting in my car, closing the garage door, and gassing myself. Someday I probably will.
9) I often go to sleep hoping I never wake up.
10) Sometimes the only reason I get out of bed is I'm responsible for the care of creatures (human and animal...wasn't sure how to phrase it better) that pee
11) I've never met a cat I didn't like. Even the bitchy, nasty ones have some redeeming qualities.
12) Wish I could say the same about people.
13) I had a cat I named Loki because he wouldn't respond to anything else. I told him he should be large and ginger instead of little and grey for that name, but he told me he knew his own damned name.
14) I think people who need acid to have discussions with animals are amateurs ;-)
15) I walked across a field twice a day, every single day no matter the weather for three years to feed a feral cat I named Slinky. For three years he wouldn't allow me or anyone else touch him. When he finally worked up the courage to let me touch him he found it was nice and made up for lost time, becoming a total lovebug for the next few months. Unfortunately, not long after that I found he had feline leukemia and I had to have him put down. That was 10 years ago. I still miss him.
16) I bombed out of piano lessons when I was five.
17) I speak too softly on the phone. It sounds like I'm yelling inside my skull when I speak louder though. I guess I need to just get used to it.
18) When I was 21 I wrecked my mom's car on Halloween.
19) I wasn't cited, much to the dismay of my mom's insurance agent.
20) I started school a year early. My dad faked my birth certificate. It was a tiny town in a rural area...everyone knew. lol
21) I skipped the eighth grade. ...almost failed the seventh and ninth grades.
22) Got through college (just to a BA) easily without really trying. I'm smart enough...I'm just really lazy.
23) I'm very afraid of heights.
24) Bridges freak me out, too.
25) I have a horrible sense of direction.
26) However, I love road trips...especially to go to concerts.
27) I love GPS.
28) Drove into Manhattan earlier this year to see a couple of concerts. (first time driving there) Did fine with the driving (thanks again to GPS), but got lost walking half a block from my hotel to the parking garage at the end of my stay. I swear I need a GPS implanted in my brain.
29) I'm very shy. Meeting and talking to people...sometimes even going out in public at all is very hard for me.
30) I'm much more outgoing online than in person. Once I get to know someone I'm more comfortable and come out of my shell a bit in person.
31) My favourite band is The Church.
32) For the past six and a half years I've been the art rep for the lead singer of my favourite band. Not something I expected.
33) I've become good friends with the lead singer of my favourite band. Definitely not something I expected.
34) I've become friendly acquaintances to casual friends with the other members of my favourite band.
35) In 2009 I was thanked in the liner notes of two albums and one poetry/art project cd. Seeing my name on albums of musicians I've admired for so many years was (and still is) a big thrill for me.
36) Worked on (and was credited in) the tour programs for my fave band's last two US tours. Also got a credit on the tour program for their most recent Australian tour, but that didn't require much additional work as it was just tweaked a bit to reflect new dates, venues, etc.
37) For as long as I can remember I've had at least one cat.
38) Currently I'm down to five cats.
39) For as long as I can remember I've had at least one dog.
40) I've don't think I've ever had the same breed of dog twice.
41) My current dog is Zeke, a Blue Heeler.
42) Until about six years ago I lived in a rural area. I still miss it and probably always will.
43) Until about six years ago I had horses all my life. I doubt I'll ever be able to have them again, and I miss them.
44) I had a personality conflict with one of the horses. Everyone else thought he was sweet, but to me he was a complete brat.
45) Yes, I do know how silly it is to have a personality conflict with a horse....
46) I got along with the bitchy, cranky old mares the best. I'm sure that says volumes about me.
47) When I was 19 I got struck in the teeth by the front hoof of the weanling filly we had just purchased and were bringing home.
48) I had to have braces put back on my teeth to straighten the tooth which got displaced by that silly filly hoof. They were supposed to be on two to three months...the job ended up taking 53 weeks.
49) Every time I went to the orthodontist for appointments everyone who worked there asked "Have you gotten rid of that horse yet?" When I moved six years ago I gave her away...she was 23 years old.
50) Six years ago I moved to from a rural area to an urban area. It's easier here in many ways -- I can run the same number of errands in two hours here that took most of the day to run there -- but I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable here.
51) Sometimes when there are lots of people around (neighbours having a party...something like that), I can't face leaving my house.
52) I'm never comfortable in crowds. I can deal with it on certain occasions -- seeing a concert (even then I can't handle huge crowds) -- but I'm never comfortable.
53) I love my siblings (one brother, one sister -- both older), but if we weren't related we wouldn't be friends.
54) My sister treats me as if I'm a child...and a not very bright one at that.
55) Seriously, she told a friend of mine "indra (well, she used my real name, but I don't use that here) has just begun eating yogurt." What the fuck is that about?
56) Then again she told the same friend -- in minute detail -- how to place an order at Chipotle. I can't imagine she does that to her friends -- why does she do it to me and my friends?
57) Oddly enough my friends seem to think I'm mostly competent and even ask for and respect my opinions and advice. Go figure.
58) I'm one of those people who posts what I had for breakfast on facebook (occasionally). I post other mundane shit there too.
59) I don't have many close friends, but to those I consider close I am a very good, loyal friend.
60) I'm not sure I have anyone who is that good and loyal a friend to me.
61) I'm completely in the friend zone with my male friends.
62) Sometimes I wish I wasn't quite so firmly in that zone.
63) Then again, in many cases I'll still be around long after the women who are romantic interests are little more than mostly forgotten notches on the bedpost.
64) I've always wanted to own a Jaguar.
65) I know I won't ever own one though. Sigh.
66) I drove my last car until it fell apart...on High Street (a main road in my city)...during rush hour...just after dropping off my tax return at the post office...on April 15th. Yay me!
67) I have almost zero personal ambition, but can be very supportive of friends who do.
68) I rarely watch tv.
69) Earlier this year I was in Washington DC for the first time in my life. I was approx. a block from the White House...did I go see it? Of course not! I visited with a friend in his very posh hotel suite while he did a phone interview and then yoga.
70) In my defense, DC is about a 10 hour drive from where I live...to visit my friend would entail at least a 24 hour journey involving at least two flights.
71) I did have a great view of the Washington Monument and the Treasury building (which was just across the street).
72) I love to bake.
73) I went to Europe on a school trip when I was 14. I thought that would be just the first of many overseas trips for me. It hasn't worked out that way.
74) On that trip we were riding on the top deck of a double decker bus when it caught fire. That was a thrill.
75) My roommate (also 14) and I managed to trash our hotel room in Vienna -- we didn't really try to...just kinda happened. It was probably the wine.... We got a LOT of dirty looks from the housekeeping staff and we had to pay double for the rooms. Totally cringe worthy bit of ugly Americanism. Ugh!
76) We also got kinda grounded -- no drinking except at meals (to go on the trip we had to have parental permission to drink). That effectively only lasted a couple of days. After all, the nuns had to sleep sometime. ;-)
77) We were in Rome the day Aldo Moro was kidnapped.
78) I had parental permission to smoke in high school (I went to a private school). I didn't like smoking though, so I never used it.
79) Despite # 75 & 76 I have only been drunk enough to be hung over once. I hated it -- both the being that drunk part and the hangover part.
80) I do very much like a mild buzz/high. I just don't like being completely off my head.
81) When I was very young my father tried to burn the house down. With us (but not him) inside. Twice.
82) Several of the local guys got together and beat the crap out of him. Then the told him if anything of the sort ever happened again to us they would finish the job and his body would never be found.
83) My father was possibly a serial killer sometime in the late 50s to the 70s. I don't think he became a suspect until after his death (in the mid 90s), as I don't think the cases (which from what little I know were in different areas of the country) were connected until then.
84) My first comment upon hearing this info was "Ah. That explains the burning his clothing and bathing in bleach when he returned home from trips."
85) I love large and giant dogs, but the short life spans are heartbreaking.
86) I didn't have friends when I was young, and my dad was a crazy bastard (but he also wasn't home that often), but I had a great childhood.
87) For a few years I coloured my hair dark magenta to deep purple (depending on my mood and what dyes I had) and wore a lot of black. I never got harassed when I was out, but did have quite a few people cross the street to avoid me.
88) My neighbour was convinced I was a junkie because of # 87.
89) I do not like beer.
90) I do like most hard liquor and, kind of embarrassingly, alcopops.
91) I rarely drink. When I do I generally limit it to a couple.
92) I love ice cream -- especially Graeter's Mocha Chip and Black Raspberry Chip. Wonderful!
93) Nutella heated slightly and drizzled over ice cream is delicious.
94) My first car was a Datsun 280ZX. That was a fun car!
95) Our Alaskan Malamute, Rolf barfed in that car just a couple of weeks after I got it. It was the only time he barfed in a car in his entire life.
96) I still have one of my baby blankets -- the one that was my favourite when I was a kid.
97) Except during the initial burial service I have never visited the grave of any relative or friend.
98) I haven't seen any of my relatives on my dad's side of the family in about six years. I don't miss them.
99) Looked up some high school chums on Facebook recently. Realised why we haven't kept in touch....
100) My favourite of my nicknames is eekie.
Graeters. . . Did you go for the National Ice Cream Month day last Sunday. $1.41 cones all day long. How lucky are we to live near two of the best ice cream joints in the country. . .Graeter's and Jeni's. (Depending on where you were on High Street when you're car fell apart you could have consoled yourself at Jeni's!)
and does it without the usual would-be truth-teller's self-indulgent pyrotechnics and holier-than-thouness. 
