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Old 05-12-2011, 12:27 PM   #91
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From what I've read in textbooks and gleamed from a long history of listening to Dr. Drew Pinksy dole out staggeringly accurate diagnoses to callers on Loveline, a "freeze up, don't make a noise" reaction during a sexual assault is a big red flag that may indicate prior sexual abuse in the victim's past.
Heh. Thanks to Loveline and Dr Drew, now when I hear a grown woman speaking with a little girl voice, I assume she was a victim of sexual abuse.

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They also had to make a volunteer "training" video in which they had to talk about what they did "wrong" and how they could have "prevented" the rapes.
I was reading about the Peace Corps story yesterday, too. Pretty horrible. The discussion I was reading had some interesting anecdotes from people who had been in the PC or knew people that were, and it sounds like the PC could stand to have some more basic training on the cultures they're living in. Not "how to avoid" rape, but just things to know about cultural norms, including gender roles or whatnot that could help them get by a bit easier.
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Old 05-12-2011, 06:49 PM   #92
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The point is you have no idea what sort of dynamic my friend and I have, so calling me self righteous is uniformed and ironically, pretty god damn self righteous
So exactly what kind of dynamic does one have with a friend that makes it OK to call them stupid after they've been a victim of a crime?
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Old 05-12-2011, 11:46 PM   #93
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Give me a fucking break. I'm not going to sit here and justify myself to you. Fact remains, youre completely off base with judging me on a conversation you weren't even there for. You're completely clueless
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Old 05-13-2011, 01:44 AM   #94
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It was broad daylight and I thought I would be okay once I got to the liquor store so once I got there, I went to the payphone to make a phone call and didn't realize he was right behind me. I just heard his voice calling me "little slut" and "whore" and then felt his hand reach between my legs from behind. I was groped repeatedly and he pressed against me from behind, calling me names the entire time. And all I did was cry, I was too scared to even push him away. The only reason he stopped was because someone saw him and yelled. And then he just walked away casually, like nothing had happened.

I guess I should add that far from being dressed to attract attention, I was 8 months pregnant and wearing maternity jeans and a huge, long sleeved blouse. But I was the perfect, passive looking potential victim and he keyed right in on that. Who knows, had I shown some street smarts and been a little more confident, he may have left me alone. It was obvious his intention was humiliation and power and a more assertive woman wouldn't have fit his profile for a victim.
Ugh. How brazen of him to do it in broad daylight where others might see. This is a perfect case in point. If he went after the seemingly assertive woman in the short skirt, he'd get elbowed in the teeth, at the very least.



I normally try to stay aware of my surroundings, and despite being petite and hardly intimidating, I do my best to project my inner-confidence. That night, however, I was distracted, had my head down, and wasn't paying attention. Voila, perfect target. I didn't hear him follow me up the walkway to the front door of my building and he followed me right in.

It had nothing to do with what I was wearing, I'm sure. It was late October and snowing already, so I was hardly dressed to impress.

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BAW, that's awful, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

But that brings to mind another "you should have" or "why didn't you" that you hear in these situations. There are some people who might ask "Why didn't you scream? Why didn't you shout for help?" Or in a rape/date rape situation, someone might say "Well, didn't you keep fighting back? Did you keep yelling 'no'?"

Everyone reacts to being assaulted differently. Some people might be too frightened of being hurt. Some people might feel paralyzed. And for many people, while you might talk a good game about what you would do if it happened to you, you might react completely differently.

It's still assault or rape even if the woman isn't calling for help or fighting and screaming.
I think this is something else that should be a huge part of what we teach young girls about street smarts - fighting back.

As I said, I'm petite, strong, but not necessarily strong enough to overpower this guy who was maybe a bit taller than average, but very muscular and very aggressive. I still have a faint scar on my back from when he slammed me against the mailboxes on the wall. Pure survival instinct kicked in, as well as only one thought over and over, which was 'HELL NO'. I screamed, cursed a blue streak, kicked, and shoved him so hard, several times, that he couldn't get a hold of me again. It was just a few seconds before he gave up and bolted. The police said repeatedly that I did exactly the right thing. I shudder to think of what would've happened if I froze.

I'd like to see every little girl brought up with that same determination, understanding of her own self-worth and right to her boundaries. I think all women imagine how scary it might be to be attacked and how we might react, which I certainly did. When it actually happened, though, it was a pure gut reaction of anger that he felt the right to lay a hand on me.

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I want to add that I'm sorry for the experience so many of the women posting here on this forum have had. It's shocking and disturbing how many women have been through situations like this. I appreciate your courage and candor in sharing your stories.
The statistics are pretty staggering. I don't remember the exact numbers, but I *think* it's something like half of all women will be sexually harassed or assualted in their lifetime.
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Old 05-13-2011, 02:04 AM   #95
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Give me a fucking break.

i don't think turning you into some sort of enemy or example is at all productive to this conversation.
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Old 05-13-2011, 02:33 AM   #96
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Whether I said the comment to my friend, in my head, or to someone else is moot. I just don't appreciate being called self righteous by a complete stranger who has no clue about me or my friends. And really, it has no bearing on the rest of the conversation anyway. I'd be more than happy if we stayed on track
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:42 AM   #97
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What do these women have to wear 'in order not to be harassed'? A burqa?
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Old 05-13-2011, 09:49 AM   #98
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An Open Note to Fathers with Young Boys - Associated Content from Yahoo! - associatedcontent.com

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I do not know you, nor do you know me. Someday that may change. You see, I have two beautiful young daughters (one just turned four and the other is now 2) that may someday come in contact with your son. It may just be for a passing moment on the street, or it may be much more. Either way we need to talk now in order to better prepare for this possible future event. If we wait until then it will be too late to make a difference.

My daughters are precious to me and I have high hopes and expectations for their lives. Those hopes and dreams may very well hang on the man your son becomes. Someday they will grow up and meet someone special. They will each find someone and fall deeply in love. They will no longer be my babies and instead they will be some young mans bride, possibly your son. I will no longer be the one to protect them, and love on them and make them feel as special as they deserve. I won't be by their sides to lead them or guide them and show them the way they should go. All of these things will be up to your son. You see now why this is so important to me? Your son means a lot to me. I pray for him nightly, and I pray for you as well. This is a huge task and I want him to be ready for it.

It's up to you to raise your son in a way that will allow him to become the man he needs to be. Without you my daughter has little hope of a bright future. The landscape of America is littered with broken women who have had their lives ruined by boys who were never taught how to be men. Please don't allow my daughter to become one of them. Please raise your son to be the man you would want to marry your daughter.

The task is overwhelming. I know you are busy and life gets in the way but I am asking you to make this a priority. I can't tell you how to do this, every situation is different and you must do what works in yours. I do know that there are some things that are important though.

Love your wife.

When you love your wife you are modeling to your son how he should love my daughter in the future. Most of what he knows about how to love comes from watching you in day to day moments that you may never know about. He
will become you in this area. Treat your wife like she deserves to be treated. Shower her with praise, serve her and give your life completely over to her. Let your son see you doing this.

Spend time with him.

There is a debate over whether a child needs quantity or quality time. I believe strongly that they need both. Don't rob your son of this. There are a lot of important things going on in life but there are very few as important as this. Help him build a strong foundation for life to come during these times. He will learn a great deal from just being by you. He will learn even more from talking to you. Share your hopes, dreams, successes and failures with him and have him do the same. He needs you to be 'all in' on this and so do my girls.

Be the man you want him to be.

It's a scary thought as fathers knowing that our boys will someday grow up and be like us. It's not a guarantee, but the saying that "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" proves true more often than not. Knowing that gives you a great advantage though. In order to have your son grow up to be the man he needs to be you simply need to become the man you should be. Strive to grow and learn. Not one of us is perfect, but we can be perfectible. Let your son see you growing. When you fall, apologize and learn from it. Your son will respect you even more for it.

There is a lot resting in your hands. The future of both of our families relies on you. My daughters deserve a great man, and your son deserves to be that man for her. Please give it everything you have. I will do everything in my power to raise my daughters to be the women that your son deserves as well. Someday we may stand at the back of a church watching our children getting married. We will shake hands and smile knowing that we both did everything we would to give them a good chance at life. I look forward to that day.
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Old 05-13-2011, 11:31 AM   #99
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Speaking of self righteous. Jesus....
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:58 PM   #100
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Thanks for sharing that, anitram.
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Old 05-13-2011, 01:21 PM   #101
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ok, i find little to actually disagree with in here in the specifics and it sounds like generically good parenting, but it's overall tone strikes me as paternalistic and condescending -- "our women need our protection, men, your job is to serve your women for they are delicate creatures in need of your strength" -- and rooted in old gender-role identities, and comes a little bit too close to that icky, awful Jon Mayer song "Daughters."

Quote:
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

creepy and sexist at the same time, and seems to indicate that the purpose of a woman is to become a mother who will raise a daughter he will want to have sex with, and the purpose of a man is to protect his delicate lady-child so that a version of himself will want to marry her.

or am i overreacting? but a line like this:
Quote:
Without you my daughter has little hope of a bright future.
it's a bit like ... well, gosh, maybe she doesn't get married, but she could be an astrophysicist or something.
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Old 05-13-2011, 01:52 PM   #102
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creepy and sexist at the same time, and seems to indicate that the purpose of a woman is to become a mother who will raise a daughter he will want to have sex with, and the purpose of a man is to protect his delicate lady-child so that a version of himself will want to marry her.
You got that much out of a John Mayer song? Who knew his music was so deep? Seems appropriate though that in a thread about 'sluts' his name should pop up.
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Old 05-13-2011, 02:23 PM   #103
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or am i overreacting?
Yes.
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Old 05-13-2011, 03:35 PM   #104
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but do you find it at least a little bit patronizing?

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Treat your wife like she deserves to be treated. Shower her with praise, serve her and give your life completely over to her. Let your son see you doing this.
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Old 05-13-2011, 04:17 PM   #105
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I'm 100% with Irvine on this one. It's nothing more than a self absorbed, holier than thou load of masturbatory drivel. Who died and made him the voice of reason? And really, is there anything more abrasive than telling other people how to raise their kids?
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