If I were a middle-aged white guy

[Canadiens1131]

If I Were a Middle-Aged White Guy

Jim Windolf
The Atlantic
Dec 14, 2011

If I were a middle-aged white guy, I would lease a nice car. Having a nice car makes a nice impression on others. And I would keep the car pristine. Whenever I parked outside Walgreen's or Wal-Mart, I would straddle the painted white line and take up two spaces. That way, you don't get dings. I hate dings. Dings bring down the value of the vehicle.

If I happened to be making a quick stop at the 7-11, I would ease into the handicapped spot, because eighty percent of those people are faking it. This one guy I heard about had asthma. That's how he got the handicapped plate. I would leave the engine running, partly so it wouldn't get cold, and partly so that, if some actual, no-kidding-around handicapped person were to pull up in their specially made handicap-mobile, they would figure I was coming back shortly.

If I were a middle-aged white guy, I would work hard at my job. No one likes a lazy person. And I would smile at my coworkers, because no one likes a sourpuss. I would also be sure to ask my colleagues how their day was going, and I would talk about TV shows and football games with them, and I would perhaps mention that I hadn't seen them in church lately, which is a funny thing to say nowadays, when there are so many people who haven't accepted the Lord Jesus as our savior.

If I were to see a coworker slacking off, I might remark, in jest, "Some of us have work to do." And if they told me to fuck off, I would call human resources and report them, because middle-aged white guys should not have to be subjected to such abusive talk. I would also discuss the incident with my immediate boss, and if he were to tell me, "You just need to worry about your own work and let me take care of the rest of the floor," I would probably say, "It's funny how you asshole liberals are always talking about 'it takes a village,' but the minute someone steps up to point out that one of the 'villagers' is slacking off, you get nothing but shit for it." And if he were to reply, "Are we done here?", I would probably just say something like, "Yeah, I guess we are. I guess nothing's ever going to change around here," and then I would walk back to my desk, muttering to myself. For a little office humor I would make sure a coworker or two heard me use the word "shotgun."

If I were a middle-aged white guy, and my children were doing poorly in school, I would smash things in their rooms, the lamps and vacation souvenirs and such, and I would inform them that the stuff I had just broken to bits had been gained in exchange for a certain thing known as money, and you get money in this world because you have skills, like computer programming, and you acquire those skills only after you earn halfway decent grades in school, and then you offer those skills to an employer who will pay you for your services, even if they never take it seriously when you make the slightest remark about how you're the main guy pulling his weight.

If my kids were to start crying when I did my demonstration of the value of a good education, I would tell them to knock it off, unless they really wanted something to cry about, and then, if my wife comes into the room and asks me what the hell I'm doing here, when the court said I was to remain at least 500 feet from the place that I once called home, I would remind her that the man is king of the castle and, last I checked, I was the one whose salary had paid for this piss-poor, split-level excuse of a palace, even if I did happen to be behind on the payments, partly because Hooters gals expect gifts in addition to the tips, or else your basket of wings is going to have spit in it, although I probably wouldn't mention the Hooters thing to my wife, but would make my point all the same.

And then, if she turns to me and says, "I don't know what happened to you," I will say back to her, "This whole country is a bunch of freeloaders," and I will leave the house, allowing my wife and kids to put everything I had said into their pipes and smoke it.

Jim Windolf is a contributing editor at Vanity Fair. He's @jimwindolf on Twitter, where he co-writes @wise_kaplan and @CrankyKaplan.

Want to add to this story? Let us know in comments or send an email to the author at jimwindolf@mac.com. You can share ideas for stories on the Open Wire.

If I Were a Middle-Aged White Guy - Entertainment - The Atlantic Wire

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[pcfitz80]

I new a guy just like this. I guess that was the point though, that we have too many people like this.

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[mama cass]

If I happened to be making a quick stop at the 7-11, I would ease into the handicapped spot, because eighty percent of those people are faking it. This one guy I heard about had asthma. That's how he got the handicapped plate. I would leave the engine running, partly so it wouldn't get cold, and partly so that, if some actual, no-kidding-around handicapped person were to pull up in their specially made handicap-mobile, they would figure I was coming back shortly.

but i would steal his car

seriously though, sounds like one or two men i know, sadly

 

[Irvine511]

you know that the original post came up in response to this article at Forbes.com:

If I Were A Poor Black Kid

President Obama gave an excellent speech last week in Kansas about inequality in America.

“This is the defining issue of our time.” He said. “This is a make-or-break moment for the middle class, and for all those who are fighting to get into the middle class. Because what’s at stake is whether this will be a country where working people can earn enough to raise a family, build a modest savings, own a home, secure their retirement.”

He’s right. The spread between rich and poor has gotten wider over the decades. And the opportunities for the 99% have become harder to realize.

The President’s speech got me thinking. My kids are no smarter than similar kids their age from the inner city. My kids have it much easier than their counterparts from West Philadelphia. The world is not fair to those kids mainly because they had the misfortune of being born two miles away into a more difficult part of the world and with a skin color that makes realizing the opportunities that the President spoke about that much harder. This is a fact. In 2011.

I am not a poor black kid. I am a middle aged white guy who comes from a middle class white background. So life was easier for me. But that doesn’t mean that the prospects are impossible for those kids from the inner city. It doesn’t mean that there are no opportunities for them. Or that the 1% control the world and the rest of us have to fight over the scraps left behind. I don’t believe that. I believe that everyone in this country has a chance to succeed. Still. In 2011. Even a poor black kid in West Philadelphia.

It takes brains. It takes hard work. It takes a little luck. And a little help from others. It takes the ability and the know-how to use the resources that are available. Like technology. As a person who sells and has worked with technology all my life I also know this.

If I was a poor black kid I would first and most importantly work to make sure I got the best grades possible. I would make it my #1 priority to be able to read sufficiently. I wouldn’t care if I was a student at the worst public middle school in the worst inner city. Even the worst have their best. And the very best students, even at the worst schools, have more opportunities. Getting good grades is the key to having more options. With good grades you can choose different, better paths. If you do poorly in school, particularly in a lousy school, you’re severely limiting the limited opportunities you have.

And I would use the technology available to me as a student. I know a few school teachers and they tell me that many inner city parents usually have or can afford cheap computers and internet service nowadays. That because (and sadly) it’s oftentimes a necessary thing to keep their kids safe at home than on the streets. And libraries and schools have computers available too. Computers can be purchased cheaply at outlets like TigerDirect and Dell’s Outlet. Professional organizations like accountants and architects often offer used computers from their members, sometimes at no cost at all.

If I was a poor black kid I’d use the free technology available to help me study. I’d become expert at Google Scholar. I’d visit study sites like SparkNotes and CliffsNotes to help me understand books. I’d watch relevant teachings on Academic Earth, TED and the Khan Academy. (I say relevant because some of these lectures may not be related to my work or too advanced for my age. But there are plenty of videos on these sites that are suitable to my studies and would help me stand out.) I would also, when possible, get my books for free at Project Gutenberg and learn how to do research at the CIA World Factbook and Wikipedia to help me with my studies.

I would use homework tools like Backpack, and Diigo to help me store and share my work with other classmates. I would use Skype to study with other students who also want to do well in my school. I would take advantage of study websites like Evernote, Study Rails, Flashcard Machine, Quizlet, and free online calculators.

Is this easy? No it’s not. It’s hard. It takes a special kind of kid to succeed. And to succeed even with these tools is much harder for a black kid from West Philadelphia than a white kid from the suburbs. But it’s not impossible. The tools are there. The technology is there. And the opportunities there.

In Philadelphia, there are nationally recognized magnet schools like Central, Girls High and Masterman. These schools are free. But they are hard to get in to. You need good grades and good test scores. And there are also other good magnet and charter schools in the city. You also need good grades to get into those. In a school system that is so broken these are bright spots. Getting into one of these schools opens up a world of opportunities. More than 90% of the kids that go to Central go on to college. I would use the internet to research each one of these schools so I could find out how I could be admitted. I would find out the names of the admissions people and go to meet with them. If I was a poor black kid I would make it my goal to get into one of these schools.

Or even a private school. Most private schools I know are filled to the brim with the 1%. That’s because these schools are exclusive and expensive, costing anywhere between $20 and $50k per year. But there’s a secret about them. Most have scholarship programs. Most have boards of trustees that want to give opportunities to kids that can’t afford the tuition. Many would provide funding for not only tuition but also for transportation or even boarding. Trust me, they want to show diversity. They want to show smiling, smart kids of many different colors and races on their fundraising brochures. If I was a poor black kid I’d be using technology to research these schools on the internet, too, and making them know that I exist and that I get good grades and want to go to their school.

And once admitted to one of these schools the first person I’d introduce myself to would be the school’s guidance counselor. This is the person who will one day help me go to a college. This is the person who knows everything there is to know about financial aid, grants, minority programs and the like. This is the person who may also know of job programs and co-op learning opportunities that I could participate in. This is the person who could help me get summer employment at a law firm or a business owned by the 1% where I could meet people and show off my stuff.

If I was a poor black kid I would get technical. I would learn software. I would learn how to write code. I would seek out courses in my high school that teaches these skills or figure out where to learn more online. I would study on my own. I would make sure my writing and communication skills stay polished.

Because a poor black kid who gets good grades, has a part time job and becomes proficient with a technical skill will go to college. There is financial aid available. There are programs available. And no matter what he or she majors in that person will have opportunities. They will find jobs in a country of business owners like me who are starved for smart, skilled people. They will succeed.

President Obama was right in his speech last week. The division between rich and poor is a national problem. But the biggest challenge we face isn’t inequality. It’s ignorance. So many kids from West Philadelphia don’t even know these opportunities exist for them. Many come from single-parent families whose mom or dad (or in many cases their grand mom) is working two jobs to survive and are just (understandably) too plain tired to do anything else in the few short hours they’re home. Many have teachers who are overburdened and too stressed to find the time to help every kid that needs it. Many of these kids don’t have the brains to figure this out themselves – like my kids. Except that my kids are just lucky enough to have parents and a well-funded school system around to push them in the right direction.

Technology can help these kids. But only if the kids want to be helped. Yes, there is much inequality. But the opportunity is still there in this country for those that are smart enough to go for it.

If I Were A Poor Black Kid - Forbes

obviously, this generated a lot of response. if you go to the original Forbes page, you can find several links addressing the article.

but the funniest one is this:

Poor Black Kid

sample:

Hi poor black kid, I'm on a tight budget but I'm always hungry, do you have any easy recipes or hunger suppression methods that I could use?

Use Skype video to watch other people around the world eat food. You will fill your mind with global delicacies!

or

As a poor black kid, I'm wondering what magazine you think every other poor black kid should be reading once they've finished their Forbes Magazine for the month?

Regardies. It was a Washington business magazine in the 1980s. It has been out of print for a decade, but don’t let that stop you from learning the relevant lessons it has for us poor black kids

 

[Jive Turkey]

you know that the original post came up in response to this article at Forbes.com:

Thank you. When I read this last night I had no idea what the fuck I was looking at.
What a douchey original article

 

[mama cass]

thanks for posting the original article Irvine!

i am pretty certain kids in dire circumstances would need to have at least 36 hours in their day and special bionic powers to accomplish all that extra self-teaching on top of coping with general day-to-day struggles...

ahh it must be nice living in his little utopia

 

[yolland]

At least he had sufficient self-awareness to acknowledge that his own kids rely on "parents and a well-funded school system," rather than "the brains to figure this out themselves," in order to head in "the right direction." He doesn't though seem to grasp the broader implication of that, which is that when all's said and done it's conditioned and regularly reinforced norms, not uniquely personal aspirations, that actually keep most of us chugging along through thick and thin as well (or badly) as we do. Even for 'successful,' 'ambitious' people, this is usually the case. Similarly, he recognizes in principle that one major problem underprivileged people face in navigating our educational system is 'simply' not understanding what resources are available to help them, yet fails to grasp that this in turn implies a broader mentality of, 'I'm just supposed to muddle through on my own and if I screw up, it's because I'm stupid and lazy,' rather than the savvy "And once admitted to one of these schools the first person I’d introduce myself to..." outlook he so casually recommends. I see the latter problem all the time in many of my own students.

 

[Irvine511]

i agree. i actually thought the original article was well-intended and sincere, it just came off so ... well, the mockery wasn't undeserved, but things Gingrich has said are far, far, far more stupid and offensive.

 

[Caleb8844]

If someone can explain to me how exactly the things Gingrich said about poor children in America are offensive, I'd be grateful.

 

[PhilsFan]

If someone can explain to me how exactly the things Gingrich said about poor children in America are offensive, I'd be grateful.

are you trolling?

 

[BVS]

If someone can explain to me how exactly the things Gingrich said about poor children in America are offensive, I'd be grateful.

You don't find putting 10 year olds to work offensive? Really?

 

[Dfit00]

You don't find putting 10 year olds to work offensive? Really?

And yet, it occurs all over the world, especially in the third world.

It's shocking for first world citizens but quite common and unoffensive for people in other parts of the world.

 

[yolland]

He was more talking about 14 and 15 year olds as I recall, but anyway, suggesting that the way to give kids from underprivileged communities a 'work ethic' is to fire the sort of sniveling unionized adults (like, say, their parents or neighbors) who clean schools for a living and force 14 and 15 year olds to work with hazardous chemicals and heavy equipment instead is outright farcical if you ask me. What kind of conservative advocates a scheme like that?

 

[BVS]

He was more talking about 14 and 15 year olds as I recall, but anyway, suggesting that the way to give kids from underprivileged families a 'work ethic' is to fire the sort of sniveling unionized adults (like, say, their parents) who clean schools for a living and force 14 and 15 year olds to work with hazardous chemicals and heavy equipment instead is outright farcical if you ask me. What kind of conservative advocates a scheme like that?

Well the quote from the debate didn't specify age or school, just that child labor laws are"stupid".

 

[BVS]

And yet, it occurs all over the world, especially in the third world.

Does that make it right?

 

[Dfit00]

Of course not, those children should be in school instead of working.

But whose fault is it that exploited child labor exists? What can you do as an individual to control that, or to control extreme poverty, for example?

 

[pcfitz80]

He was more talking about 14 and 15 year olds as I recall, but anyway, suggesting that the way to give kids from underprivileged communities a 'work ethic' is to fire the sort of sniveling unionized adults (like, say, their parents or neighbors) who clean schools for a living and force 14 and 15 year olds to work with hazardous chemicals and heavy equipment instead is outright farcical if you ask me. What kind of conservative advocates a scheme like that?

makes perfect sense to a conservative; the poor kids clean up after the rich kids. this is the way things have been through most of history. I agree that it is wrong though.

 

[PhilsFan]

He was more talking about 14 and 15 year olds as I recall, but anyway, suggesting that the way to give kids from underprivileged communities a 'work ethic' is to fire the sort of sniveling unionized adults (like, say, their parents or neighbors) who clean schools for a living and force 14 and 15 year olds to work with hazardous chemicals and heavy equipment instead is outright farcical if you ask me. What kind of conservative advocates a scheme like that?

Exactly. He was basically trying to strike up the fears a lot of old people have of young minorities and the hatred a lot of conservatives have for unions by killing two birds with one stone: let's show these poor kids that they should be cleaning schools for minimum wage and teach those unions a lesson at the same time. Otherwise, the kids will deal drugs and unions will take your money away.

 

[yolland]

Well the quote from the debate didn't specify age or school, just that child labor laws are"stupid".

You're right, I just checked a few articles from the time and in fact the closest he came to specifying age was the claim that if "you go out and talk to people who are really successful in one generation, they all started their first job between 9 and 14 years of age" (which actually children, with parental approval, can still choose to do in the case of paper routes and babysitting). If the implication of that is that he envisions 9-year-olds taking on a school janitor's job responsibilities, that only makes it even stupider.

makes perfect sense to a conservative; the poor kids clean up after the rich kids. this is the way things have been through most of history.

In the form of the government creating jobs specifically for children by displacing the adults who support them from work?

 

[PhilsFan]

Yeah, I mean, I have been working since the age of 12, but never once I was used as a political pawn to displace someone else from their living, which is basically the suggestion here. I also was never told I needed this job or I'd end up only learning how to live as a criminal.

 

[pcfitz80]

You're right, I just checked a few articles from the time and in fact the closest he came to specifying age was the claim that if "you go out and talk to people who are really successful in one generation, they all started their first job between 9 and 14 years of age" (which actually children, with parental approval, can still choose to do in the case of paper routes and babysitting). If the implication of that is that he envisions 9-year-olds taking on a school janitor's job responsibilities, that only makes it even stupider.

In the form of the government creating jobs specifically for children by displacing the adults who support them from work?

I didn't say it made sense; only that to some conservatives it would since it "teaches" kids a work ethic and replaces a job done by someone who makes a certain amount of money deemed to be too much with someone else who makes less money deemed to be more in line with what they think a job like that should pay. It's a very American radcon way of thinking.

 

[Caleb8844]

I'm not sure if I've ever seen the complete quote or not, but I assumed he was advocating giving kids the legal ability to work as assistant school janitors if they WANTED to, not forcing kids to be the janitor of their school, whilst kicking poor old Bob the Janitor out on the street.

 

[yolland]

What he proposed was that "[m]ost of these schools ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school.” He didn't elaborate on the tasks involved, what the age range of the children doing this would be, what the eligibility criteria might be, whether they'd be choosing to do this job or if there'd be some sort of nudge involved, whether the necessary child labor law reforms would be limited to school janitorial work, etc.

The federal government actually did create *new* (elective) positions as assistant school groundskeepers for 16-to-18-year-old students during the Great Depression. Obviously he's not going to suggest something like that though, because it'd require more public funding, not less.

 

[Caleb8844]

I'm not sure I have a problem with that idea, so long as the age criteria isn't like...10 or something, and as long as the labor wasn't dangerous.

 

[yolland]

If it were a reasonable idea, high schools in states where school janitors aren't unionized would already be doing it. Just fire all your adult janitors save the most experienced one, and invite your 16-to-18-year-old students (who're already legally eligible anyway) to apply for a minimum-wage job emptying trashcans, dusting and mopping, operating and maintaining boilers and HVAC systems, stripping and waxing floors, repairing electrical fixtures and furniture, sanitizing the cafeteria, unclogging and disinfecting toilets and sinks, removing snow in winter...school janitors do all these things and lots more, it's not a housekeeping gig. How are you going to get all this done with one full-time adult--who's also doing all the requisitions for cleaning and maintenance supplies, etc. in addition to training and supervising--plus a (frequently changing) group of teenagers who are in school most of the day 5 days a week? And remember, your goal is to SAVE money, so it won't do to carve out a couple diddly-squat student positions doing the simple stuff while still having to maintain a crew of more $ea$oned adults to do the bulk of the work. Even with 16-to-18-year-olds, the whole thing is wildly impractical, above and beyond the moral and political unsoundness of opening up a dedicated 'children's job' niche by laying off higher-paid adults then presenting it as some kind of community poverty remediation program.

(ETA: Re-reading one of your posts upthread, I realize my sloppy wording "...force 14 and 15 year olds to work with hazardous chemicals and heavy equipment..." may have created some confusion--I meant that of necessity those would be aspects of their jobs were they to replace all but one of the adults. Not that I assumed the entire student body of the school would become paid janitors!)


Anyhoo, I'm off to catch a plane...Merry Christmas!

 

[Kieran McConville]

If I were a middle aged white guy, I'd totally abuse my position. Luckily I'm... wait, what?

 

[BVS]

I'm not sure if I've ever seen the complete quote or not

Go back and read the quote in it's entirety, it's full of offensive generalizations(they only have a work ethic if it's illegal) and full of stuipid ideas. Would you want your child working as a janitor at 13, taking their ability away to do extra ciricular activities, study, etc basically perpetuating the cycle that that's what they will be when they grow up?

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

thehill.com

Gingrich: Poor kids have bad work habits ‘unless it’s illegal’
By Jonathan Easley - 12/01/11 04:35 PM ET

GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich said Thursday that “really poor children” have bad work habits and no knowledge of how to make an income “unless it’s illegal.”

Doubling down on his argument that children in poor neighborhoods should be employed as janitors in schools, Gingrich argued that the best way to teach children in poor neighborhoods good working habits is to put them to work as soon as possible.

“Start with the following two facts,” Gingrich said Thursday at a campaign stop in Iowa.

“Really poor children in really poor neighborhoods have no habits of working and have nobody around them who works, so they literally have no habit of showing up on Monday,” Gingrich said.

“They have no habit of staying all day. They have no habit of ‘I do this and you give me cash’ unless it’s illegal.”

Gingrich said every successful person he knows started working at an early age in explaining his position that schools should hire poor children in their neighborhoods for part-time jobs as assistant librarians or assistant janitors.

“I come around to this question,” he said. “You have a very poor neighborhood. You have kids who are required under law to go to school. They have no money. They have no habit of work. What if you paid them part-time in the afternoon to sit at the clerical office and greet people when they come in? What if you paid them to work as the assistant librarian?”

“What if they became assistant janitors and their job was to mop the floor and clean the bathroom?” Gingrich added.

Gingrich has skyrocketed to the top of national polls, but many Republicans wonder if he’ll self-destruct under the spotlight of the campaign. A former House colleague of Gingrich, noting his penchant for controversial statements, told The Hill this week that Gingrich’s hand is always “six inches from the self-destruct button.”

The comments from Gingrich echo the argument he first made in November, when he called child labor laws that might prevent the hiring of school children as janitors as “stupid.”

“This is something that no liberal wants to deal with,” Gingrich said at the time. “Core policies of protecting unionization and bureaucratization against children in the poorest neighborhoods, crippling them by putting them in schools that fail has done more to create income inequality in the United States than any other single policy.

“It is tragic what we do in the poorest neighborhoods, entrapping children in, first of all, child laws, which are truly stupid.”

 

[ryancoke71]

I'm glad he's not generalizing at all. What a load of crap!

 

[INDY500]

If I were a middle-aged typical white guy...

Hillary Clinton would be president.