Having the sex talk with your kids

[AliEnvy]

So I've been majorly sick all week with a brutal head cold and mostly flopped on the couch and caught Oprah today (when not posting ZS eye candy on a rare trip outside FYM ). Figured the topic was good timing since my daughter recently asked how babies get into tummies (she's just turned 5). Totally caught me off guard so I froze and as luck would have it the doorbell rang so it was easy to slip away in the instant diversion.

I must say, I like to think I'm open-minded, particularly when it comes to the sexual empowerment of women and nothing really shocks me when it comes to sex, but the advice on Oprah caught me off guard much like my daughter did lol.

In addition to to the usual anatomy, mechanics, pregnancy, STDs and emotional aspects of sex to be taught to fresh young minds, the sex expert advocates that mothers teach their young girls about the pleasures of masturbation and orgasm. Including buying your 15-16 year old a vibrator.

I'm sure I'll make sense of this when the meds wear off, or maybe I'll just want a drink.

Does anyone have any wisdom to share?

 

[Pearl]

Well, if boys could masturbate to porn and Playboy, why can't a girl pleasure herself using a vibrator?

Plus, at least the teenage girl is using a vibrator and not actually having sex.

Maybe because I am not a mother, I may not know what I am talking about. But, I can see myself encouraging my daughter the same thing. If dads can buy their sons Playboy, then moms could buy their daughters sex toys. That is my logic.

 

[the tourist]

Maybe I'm a strange case... but I don't know any dads who buy their sons Playboy.

 

[Lila64]

I caught the show today as well. In regards to the masturbation portion, the therapist was more about the female being in touch with her body and how it works, and how you don't need someone else in order to receive pleasure, and how not to confuse having sex equating to the only way to get pleasure (did that make sense?). I wanted to watch it to see if my daughter should watch it as well. We'll see if I can talk to her and see if she'll watch/talk about it with me. She already has the Seventeen magazine (which I browsed after the show), and I don't know if I received that Oprah issue yet (free subscription/gift I got). I don't remember my mom talking to me about sex I may cut the show off before the masturbation section and just go with the 'many nerve endings' etc. I dunno

Oh and the "toys" she showed were small/pocket sized ones. Not ones intended to be used internally

 

[AliEnvy]

If dads can buy their sons Playboy, then moms could buy their daughters sex toys. That is my logic.

Do dads buy their sons Playboy for that? Really? Where have I been...

I have no hang ups around this stuff but I guess it just never occurred to me that I'd have to consider taking the teaching to that level.

 

[Cin]

I guess all families are different but I would have been mortified if my parents had started talking about orgasms and vibrators.

 

[Pearl]

Maybe I'm a strange case... but I don't know any dads who buy their sons Playboy.

When I was in grade school, I knew boys who's fathers shared their Playboys with them

I don't know if that's healthy or not, but I guess it does go on.

 

[DreamOutLoud13]

I think young girls should be taught about orgasms and masturbation and that they should learn to get in touch with their own bodies and learn that their pleasure should be just as important to them, if not moreso, than a boyfriend's pleasure. Too many young girls get pressured into 'servicing' boys because that's what the boys want, and the boys never lift a finger (pun alert :uhuh: ) to give the girls anything in return.
But I can see how such discussions would be especially embarrassing for the daughters. It might be easier to link the girl to an informative website (there are plenty) where she can read and learn about the stuff for herself, without mortification. After the information has been passed on, an offer to buy a small vibrator for the girl can be brought up. Nothing large, phallic, or insertable, but a small bullet/egg or something of that sort.

I never had such opportunities. I had to learn for myself from watching HBO, and then later, the internet.

As for 'where do babies come from', I learned that from having pet cats. I saw first hand the conception, and then later the birth. An especially young child could be told that when mommies and daddies want babies, they have a special way to put the baby inside the mommy's belly, and that they can find out more about it when they're older, but not until then.
I think about age 9-10 is old enough to find out about the actual mechanics of sex (not graphically) and that a sperm from a daddy and an egg from a mommy mix inside the mommy's tummy, to make the baby. I knew that much by that age.

By 12-13, children should be taught more open-mindedly about sex, and taught about orgasms and protection and the transmission of STDs and any sexual myths should be dispelled. Kids should be told to PLEASE WAIT and that they'll be glad they did. Girls should be taught that their periods may not be regular for a few years, and not to panic if it's late (you wouldn't believe the number of young girls posting on Yahoo Answers going "my period is a day late, but I've never had sex, how could I be pregnant?!" I'm not exaggerating.)

 

[the tourist]

When I was in grade school, I knew boys who's fathers shared their Playboys with them

I don't know if that's healthy or not, but I guess it does go on.

...are you sure the father knew it was being shared?

I know kids in grade school who would find their dad's Playboy... but it was kind of a risky thing because they'd get in severe trouble if their dad found out. That seems much more logical to me. That and the fact that some little boys like to tell tall tales to make them seem cooler. Probably especially to girls. You know, "Oh yeah, totally, my dad buys me Playboys all the time."

Right.

 

[Pearl]

...are you sure the father knew it was being shared?

I know kids in grade school who would find their dad's Playboy... but it was kind of a risky thing because they'd get in severe trouble if their dad found out. That seems much more logical to me. That and the fact that some little boys like to tell tall tales to make them seem cooler. Probably especially to girls. You know, "Oh yeah, totally, my dad buys me Playboys all the time."

Right.

OK, you got a point.

But I still think girl should be as encouraged to masturbate as boys are. What I mean by that is, it is expected for boys to touch themselves, but for a girl to do the same, its taboo. And I agree with DreamOutLoud13 that girls should learn to pleasure themselves and not be at service to boys.

 

[DreamOutLoud13]

When I was in grade school, I knew boys who's fathers shared their Playboys with them

I don't know if that's healthy or not, but I guess it does go on.

When my brother was a teen, our dad gave him a Playboy.


Of course these days, none of that is necessary, as all it takes is a couple of clicks on Google to get loads of naked ladies. Dads should talk to their sons about masturbation though, and let them know that it's perfectly natural and normal.

 

[BVS]

I caught the show today as well. In regards to the masturbation portion, the therapist was more about the female being in touch with her body and how it works, and how you don't need someone else in order to receive pleasure, and how not to confuse having sex equating to the only way to get pleasure (did that make sense?).

I think if a parent sits a child down(age appropriate and I think for the most part only a good parent will know when their child is ready) and approaches it this way and tells the child that it's completely normal then it's a great thing... I don't think "how to's" or too much talk about orgasms are needed at that point, but to let your child know they are able to come and talk to you at any time is needed.

I think the akwardness of talking to your child about sex can lead to a lot of mistakes. One being putting it off too late. The other extreme is thinking you are an open minded parent and giving it to them all in one sitting and then thinking "phew I'm done". I've seen both scenarios completely fail.

You have to let your child know it's an open line of communication.

 

[yolland]

I must say, I like to think I'm open-minded, particularly when it comes to the sexual empowerment of women and nothing really shocks me when it comes to sex, but the advice on Oprah caught me off guard much like my daughter did lol.

It sounds like this guest speaker was a professional expert on sex education for children and teens? So she's probably someone who particularly enjoys and is very enthusiastic about discussing sexuality and sexual physiology with kids. Which might be something to take into account if some of her advice seemed 'OK, but beyond the call of duty' to you. Maybe it's a lame analogy, but sort of like if you were a trained chef and loved sharing that knowledge with your kids, you might have a laundry list of ideas about what your teenager should know how to do and own around the kitchen that might strike me as more ambitious than I personally care to be, even if I took away some good ideas from you. Likewise there'd probably be certain kitchen-ed experiences you could foist on your kids that'd seem perfectly natural to them because of that background, whereas mine might feel a bit weirded out if I did it, as if I were trying too embarrassingly or annoyingly hard.

I do think that when you're discussing basic sexual anatomy and functioning with your kids, which should happen well before puberty obviously, that's a good time to bring up that many people find gently touching or rubbing their own genitals feels really good and that's normal and natural, something you can enjoy in private for yourself (but otherwise those parts of your body are for you and your doctor only to touch, etc. etc. ...). That way when discussing actual sexuality at a later age, it won't come out of nowhere to refer to it again in the context of discussing sexual pleasure, how orgasm works and so forth. But for most parents and kids, I really don't think an exhaustive step-by-step lecture on 'Here are some recommended masturbation techniques and equipment' etc. is necessary, and it might feel inappropriate to some children.

 

[adypole]

If I where a girl and my mum brought home a vibrator I'd feel like a total prat, if anything, on behalf of my mum. Just the opinion of a young kid.

 

[adypole]

(double post)

 

[VintagePunk]

I really don't think an exhaustive step-by-step lecture on 'Here are some recommended masturbation techniques and equipment' etc. is necessary, and it might feel inappropriate to some children.

I agree. Let them find out on the streets, the way we did.

Seriously, I do agree that that's probably not necessary, and that's a very good analogy you used with a chef's child. I didn't do it with my daughter, and yet I'm fairly confident that she's well aware of the subject, and has a healthy outlook on it. I think it all has to do with the tone in which you discuss sex and sexuality in general. If you're relaxed about it and treat it as a normal bodily function, then kids won't feel reluctant to ask you questions, or to seek out materials explaining these things.

I'm also a firm believer in not saving it all up for a Big Important Sex Talk. That's just silly. There are all kinds of teachable moments in a child's life. Whenever the opportunity comes up (seeing something on tv, questions that arise from seeing a pregnant woman, etc), explain things to the kid in an age-appropriate way. By the time they reach puberty, they'll essentially have all the nuts and bolts information, and they'll feel very comfortable approaching you with questions, including ones of an interpersonal, emotional, or moral nature.

 

[deep]

Having the sex
talk with your kids

good advice

I'd recommend the same if your
trying the twitter

 

[anitram]

I'll be honest with you, I'm 29 years old and the idea of discussing masturbation techniques and toys with my mother absolutely horrifies me and I am thankful to whatever higher power told my Mom to avoid such a talk.

I never got much of a sex talk, but my Mom did take me in for a birth control prescription so she wasn't burying her head in the sand. I would probably be more open with my kids, but I see this as a generational/cultural issue and I don't hold it against my parents for largely avoiding the issue. They were a people of their place and time.

 

[Pearl]

I never got much of a sex talk, but my Mom did take me in for a birth control prescription so she wasn't burying her head in the sand. I would probably be more open with my kids, but I see this as a generational/cultural issue and I don't hold it against my parents for largely avoiding the issue. They were a people of their place and time.

You're quite fortunate. When I went on the pill, I had to hide them from my mother, lest she'll go ballistic over me having pre-marital sex.

When I got the talk from the my mom, she told me everything about puberty, but nothing about sex itself. I had to learn that from my much older sisters, after many mortifying situations.

Maybe that is why my attitude today is to let the parents tell everything and be very open. But then again, maybe when I have kids of my own, I won't be so liberal. Who knows?

 

[yolland]

I'm also a firm believer in not saving it all up for a Big Important Sex Talk. That's just silly. There are all kinds of teachable moments in a child's life. Whenever the opportunity comes up (seeing something on tv, questions that arise from seeing a pregnant woman, etc), explain things to the kid in an age-appropriate way. By the time they reach puberty, they'll essentially have all the nuts and bolts information, and they'll feel very comfortable approaching you with questions, including ones of an interpersonal, emotional, or moral nature.

Yeah, we've never found the Big Talk approach particularly helpful either. I think too that sometimes people who don't have older children can be a bit unrealistic about grasping that kids who are older than around 9 or so are seldom the passively appreciative audience of your dreams (especially with their parents, haha); that from there on out your conversations about all kinds of things will increasingly be initiated and driven by their concerns, sensibilities and interests, so you need to take care that what comes before that lays an adequate foundation for a comfortable two-way-street relationship.

 

[AliEnvy]

I always thought the notion of the Big Talk was the folklore of television and that in reality the parental approach to sex ed was either a fairly open, on-going dialogue/Q&A or avoided/non-existent.

Still trying to wrap my mind around what my reaction might have been had I received a pocket rocket stocking stuffer from my mom at Christmas.

YouTube - 2008 Best Buy Christmas Commercial

 

[MooMoo!]

I too would be pretty mortified if my mum (or dad for that matter) even mentioned vibrators and such, never mind sex itself.

I'm pretty glad we learnt about these things in school, cos I'd feel pretty uncomfortable discussing it with my parents. I think that's down to the fact that it never HAS been discussed. Indeed, if you were to mention it little and often to your kids, it would probably de-sensitise it as a dodgy topic. I think little kids probably just want an answer to their question, but believe me, a teen asking or being told by a parent is just as awkward as it would be for you telling them about sex.

Thankfully, as a biology student I know how things work down there. I'm pretty well versed on my contraceptives too, thankyouverymuch.

 

[A stor]

Well, if boys could masturbate to porn and Playboy, why can't a girl pleasure herself using a vibrator?

Plus, at least the teenage girl is using a vibrator and not actually having sex.

Maybe because I am not a mother, I may not know what I am talking about. But, I can see myself encouraging my daughter the same thing. If dads can buy their sons Playboy, then moms could buy their daughters sex toys. That is my logic.

I am a mother. When my son was a young teenager, his dad (my husband) was not buying him issues, of Playboy Magazine.

 

[Pearl]

^^^
Well, DreamOutLoud13's father did that to her brother, so there's one parent who does that.

All I am saying is if its not taboo for boys to explore and be proud of their sexuality, why can't girls?

 

[Liesje]

I never really did have a Big Talk with my mom, but I also got my period when I was 11 and knew all about it from friends before that so I was well on my way. We got sex ed in elementary school (5th grade) which included all the anatomy and reproductive stuff, how our bodies would "change", etc. Then the girls went to a girl teacher and the guys went to a guy. I think this is the main reason I never had a talk with my parents. We loved our teacher and we asked her all sorts of things for 3 hours. There wasn't much left after that. My mom came into my room that night and asked if I had any questions about anything and I said no. I knew about sex as a kid, but I didn't *really* understand what it was until in 3rd grade I was reading this kids' book and there was a picture of how sex works, not with real people, I don't remember exactly but however it was illustrated, I understood from that that the penis goes in the vagina. So I knew what it was long before my mom brought it up, but I was too young to understand going through puberty and all the emotional stuff anyway. We did that in 5th grade and it was all covered pretty well. I don't remember being unclear about anything in particular. In 7th grade we did another class that was more on STDs, teen pregnancy, how to set your boundaries and say no, and the relationship/emotional stuff.

So I never did have a talk with my mom, but I've never felt uncomfortable or unclear about my sexuality. I got my period early on so I figured out all of that stuff quickly. I went on birth control when I was 18 because of cramps and headaches so I was well into a routine with birth control before I really needed it for that purpose.

I guess then I'm in favor of the open, on-going dialogue since even if kids know how the anatomy works they are much too young to understand about hormones and all the emotional stuff that goes with it, or what sorts of actions and language are appropriate and what should be kept private. I know my mom would answer any question I asked, I just never had any. We often complain about periods and birth control and this or that and I know all the gory stories about how we were born.

 

[yolland]

All I am saying is if its not taboo for boys to explore and be proud of their sexuality, why can't girls?

How is it taboo for girls? Are there many parents who actually teach their daughters that masturbation is dirty, bad, etc. when girls do it but not when boys do, or did you more mean that boys tend to joke among themselves about it much more freely than girls? Because that's not quite the same thing as having a parent frankly and earnestly discuss the topic with with you. I agree with the importance of getting across that this is a normal and natural part of sexuality, and yes girls are probably less likely than boys to explicitly get that message elsewhere if you don't convey it, but at the same time it strains credulity for me to think that many adolescent girls actually need encouragement to do it. I also doubt that how often a girl masturbates has all that predictable or direct a link to how assertive her future attitudes about equal pleasure in intercourse will turn out to be; sexual self-confidence (for women and men) is far more complicated than just being aware what kinds of things feel good to you.

I think in cases where fathers do buy their sons pornography (and I agree with the tourist in suspecting that's decidely not the majority of cases), the 'message' accompanying it is basically "Look, I know you're interested in girls and I think you're old enough now for this stuff, no need to go swiping copies from some friend's dad or something." But not, "Here son, now go have a great time wanking with this, masturbation's a normal and healthy activity and I encourage you to enjoy exploring it." It's the difference between something that (might, for some boys) feel like a rite of passage vs. something that just feels kinda --I think in not unlike the way several women here indicated they'd have felt about receiving a "pocket rocket stocking stuffer" from their mother.

 

[VintagePunk]

...not unlike the way several women here indicated they'd have felt about receiving a "pocket rocket stocking stuffer" from their mother.

My daughter lurks in FYM quite a bit, and after reading this thread, she told me that she can think of two friends offhand who did receive The One Big Talk from their mothers.

I then apologized for potentially having stunted her sexuality by not providing her with masturbation information and tools. She thanked me profusely for not having done so, and then we agreed never to speak of it again.

Likewise, my mom was pretty open with me as well, but the thought of having a masturbation talk with her would have horrified me.

 

[kafrun]

I think if a parent sits a child down(age appropriate and I think for the most part only a good parent will know when their child is ready) and approaches it this way and tells the child that it's completely normal then it's a great thing... I don't think "how to's" or too much talk about orgasms are needed at that point, but to let your child know they are able to come and talk to you at any time is needed.

I'm also a firm believer in not saving it all up for a Big Important Sex Talk. That's just silly. There are all kinds of teachable moments in a child's life. Whenever the opportunity comes up (seeing something on tv, questions that arise from seeing a pregnant woman, etc), explain things to the kid in an age-appropriate way. By the time they reach puberty, they'll essentially have all the nuts and bolts information, and they'll feel very comfortable approaching you with questions, including ones of an interpersonal, emotional, or moral nature.

These.

Sex should be an ongoing, age-appropriate discussion between parent and child. It shouldn't be a forced, akward, one-time, let's-get-this-over-with moment.

 

[Purplereign]

^ absolutely agree . . . be open enough that your kids get the picture, but not quite so open that you scar them for life and scare them off ever talking to you about it at all

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I saw the Friday Oprah with the additional talk about it, actually I was watching it with my mother and made a rapid exit at the first mention of orgasm. So that says all I need to say on that subject vis a vis us. I did say to my mother that George Stephanopoulos must cringe at some of the stuff his wife says on that show-and then when she proceeded to mention their daughter seeing them having sex that was pretty much confirmed. Again when she talked about her own vibrator. At least he told her they were making love, I forget what she said but it was something odd.

I agree completely that girls should feel comfortable with their bodies and with believing that they deserve just as much pleasure from sex as guys do. And in giving themselves that-that is certainly preferable to any bad experiences with a guy (sometimes preferable to any, so they might find out ), or to having sex when they're too young. Even in 2009 I wonder how many young girls and even adult women really believe that completely. I think you can start teaching your daughter to like and respect her body and to not be shamed about it and then take it from there. It is a generational thing, but I would imagine even younger parents these days might feel a bit awkward talking about vibrators and masturbation let alone buying their daughter a vibrator. I agreed with Gayle King, that goes too far for a 13 or 14 year old. I say they can buy one themselves after they get their first credit card For everything else, there's Master (lol) Card.

I think it is still more taboo for girls-you hear more comments and general talk about guys masturbating then you ever hear it about girls. Granted I don't know any teenage girls so maybe that's not the case anymore. I think it goes way beyond being aware of what feels good to you-it's all part of being comfortable with your body and your self image. I don't think it's needing encouragement to do it-it's more about getting affirmation from your mother in a much larger womanly bonding sort of thing. It's difficult to put into words.