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Old 06-29-2009, 01:58 PM   #31
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By ALLEN G. BREED, AP National Writer – Mon Jun 29

COLUMBIA, S.C. – Each Sunday afternoon in May, Gov. Mark Sanford and his wife hosted five other couples at the executive mansion for a spiritual "boot camp." Topics discussed during the hour-and-a-half-long sessions included forgiveness and "not loving your wife as Christ loved the church."

Group leader Warren "Cubby" Culbertson did not tell the other four couples what he and his wife, Susan, had known for months: The governor was having an affair with a woman in Argentina.

When Jenny Sanford confronted her husband in January after finding a letter to "Maria" among his official papers, the governor turned to Culbertson. For nearly six months, Culbertson has been the first couple's spiritual counselor — and their secret keeper.

The Sanfords "passed" the Culbertsons' course with flying colors. A week later, Jenny Sanford asked her husband to leave their home.

In an interview with The Associated Press this weekend at his Columbia office, just blocks from the State House, Culbertson said he believed his friend when he said that this was his only marital transgression. He thinks Sanford was simply caught off guard by "the power of darkness."

Culbertson also thinks that the only thing holding his friends' marriage together right now is "their vow to God."

"Because it's not feelings — it's not emotions," Culbertson said, the smile fading from his tanned face. "For most Christians, at some point in your marriage, if you're married long enough, you do it because that's what we're called to do — out of obedience instead of out of passion. And I think that's where Mark and Jenny are right now."

The two men met in 1986, when Sanford was driving for Democratic gubernatorial candidate Phil Lader and Culbertson was a campaign volunteer. Culbertson, 51, owns a court reporting business and has been described as a pillar of the capital city's Christian community.

Culbertson helped found the Round Table, a Bible study that, according to a paper posted on the Web, offers men "a safe place to pose their questions, test their assumptions, and know that they will not be alone or stand out as a spiritual seeker." Sanford sought that spiritual refuge on at least a couple of occasions.

"God hates lawlessness and is tireless in His desire to dissuade man from his fascination with lawlessness," reads a paper titled "Cubby's Talks." "Our hearts are lions' dens of devouring lusts. Lawlessness torments righteous souls every day."

When Sanford made his tearful public confession in the lower lobby of the State House Wednesday, Culbertson was there. Sanford singled him out.

"I would consider him a spiritual giant," Sanford said, breathing heavily to stifle his sobs. "And an incredibly dear friend."

Culbertson was talking with Jenny Sanford earlier that day when he learned that his old friend had not been hiking the Appalachian Trail for six days, as he'd told staff. He had returned to Argentina.

During his 18-minute mea culpa, the governor made numerous references to "God's law" and the sin of self. They were straight out of "Cubby's Talks" and the CDs the Culbertsons used in their "boot camp."

When Sanford cited the example of King David's infidelity and fall during a meeting with his cabinet on Friday, he was also drawing on the Culbertsons' sessions.

"One of the quotes we use in our couples course is, 'You can choose your sins, but you can't choose your consequences,'" Culbertson said. "We used to use David as an example of that. Mark may be the 2009 version of a good example.

"Mark knew what David knew."

Some who watched Sanford's news conference felt he was insincere, playing to the Palmetto State's religious base to salvage his political future.

Janine Driver, a Washington, D.C.-based body language and deception detection expert, said Sanford showed more emotion when apologizing to Culbertson and longtime political aide Tom Davis than he did when speaking of his wife and four sons. She also believes he lied when a reporter asked if this was the first time he had been unfaithful.

"He answers the question before it's been asked," said Driver, who spent 15 years with the federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. "Then what does he do? He drops both his eyes and turns his head AWAY? ... That's what's called the cold shoulder. Because we face the core of our body toward people who usually address us."

Culbertson has asked his friend that same question several times over the years — not because he worried about it necessarily, but "just to kind of keep him accountable." It's a question occasionally asked of Culbertson.

"And I think it's something that men need to ask men who truly want to stay in line," he said.

Sanford told Culbertson he had never strayed before, and he "absolutely" believes him.

Culbertson knows that Sanford, like any man, has weaknesses. In Culbertson's view, Sanford's chief frailty was his inability to deviate from his own agenda in the political arena.

But cheating?

"Some guys are wired such that violating God's design in this area, of women, is a real challenge to them," he said. "That's not in his DNA. That's why it's such a surprise."

Even Sanford's political enemies would concede that much.

Will Folks, a former Sanford spokesman who has been excoriating his old boss in his political blog, said sex and romance "never seemed to be things that were on the governor's radar." Although he has since reported on two other alleged dalliances, Folks said this passionate love affair is "100 percent inconsistent with everything I ever saw of the man."

"I honestly thought the guy was asexual," Folks said. "I am not kidding."

In their course, the Culbertsons tell the couples — particularly the men — to avoid being put "in places that allow them to be more vulnerable in that area." Culbertson himself keeps his office door open when meeting with a woman and avoids dining alone with women.

In his confessional, Sanford said the relationship started as an "innocent" e-mail exchange, and Culbertson believes him.

Culbertson does not believe the other woman went out of her way to seduce a married man. When asked if he had met Maria, Culbertson paused, then looked up, an embarrassed smile creasing his face.

"I'm not going to comment," he said.

The Culbertsons have a waiting list for their boot camps, which they've held for about four years. They often hold the Bible study groups at their spacious colonial house overlooking Lake Katherine.

The Sanfords asked to take part and even offered the governor's mansion as a meeting place.

Culbertson said the course is "pretty intense." He quizzes prospective participants and asks them not to start the course if they don't intend to take it seriously.

"But they both committed to doing the work," he said, "and they both did all the work."

Besides Bible readings and prayer, the Culbertsons stage what they call a "date night," where spouses interview each other. Culbertson said the boot camp is "not a marriage course, but marriages benefit from it."

"Because it challenges husbands and wives to talk about things eternal that typically we won't do unless we're in a structured environment," he said. "So it's to challenge you — in your spiritual life, in your walk with the Lord."

Culbertson said media characterizations that Jenny Sanford kicked the governor out of their home are "pretty harsh." He noted that the children had just finished school for the summer, and that Sanford was coming off a grueling legislative session.

"There's a term we use in our couples boot camp: 'When emotions are high, discernment is low,'" he said. "And they both accepted that there was a lot of emotion where they were, obviously."

Years ago, Culbertson warned his friend about the demands and corrupting influences of public office.

When Sanford asked Culbertson to contribute to his 1994 congressional campaign, Culbertson refused. Sanford was "very offended," but Culbertson told his friend it's the rare man who can be an effective congressman and fulfill his biblical responsibilities as a husband and father.

Culbertson admits he was "crushed" to learn of his friend's betrayal.

"I hate to see anybody I love fall," he said. But he still loves Sanford, and he disagrees with those who would say the governor is unfit to lead the state.

Culbertson cannot say for sure whether any love survives between the Sanfords. But he would counsel them to stay together.

"I've seen God change hearts in ways that they can't imagine," he said. "And if I hadn't seen that over and over and over and over again, I would have no hope."
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Old 06-29-2009, 10:20 PM   #32
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...Culbertson also thinks that the only thing holding his friends' marriage together right now is "their vow to God." "Because it's not feelings — it's not emotions," Culbertson said, the smile fading from his tanned face. "For most Christians, at some point in your marriage, if you're married long enough, you do it because that's what we're called to do — out of obedience instead of out of passion. And I think that's where Mark and Jenny are right now."
................................................................
"God hates lawlessness and is tireless in His desire to dissuade man from his fascination with lawlessness," reads a paper titled "Cubby's Talks." "Our hearts are lions' dens of devouring lusts. Lawlessness torments righteous souls every day."
.................................................................
During his 18-minute mea culpa, the governor made numerous references to "God's law" and the sin of self. They were straight out of "Cubby's Talks" and the CDs the Culbertsons used in their "boot camp." When Sanford cited the example of King David's infidelity and fall during a meeting with his cabinet on Friday, he was also drawing on the Culbertsons' sessions.
...................................................................
Culbertson said the boot camp is "not a marriage course, but marriages benefit from it." "Because it challenges husbands and wives to talk about things eternal that typically we won't do unless we're in a structured environment," he said. "So it's to challenge you — in your spiritual life, in your walk with the Lord."
.....................................................................
Culbertson cannot say for sure whether any love survives between the Sanfords. But he would counsel them to stay together. "I've seen God change hearts in ways that they can't imagine," he said.
While I can certainly see some advantages to church-based marital 'therapy'--less expensive, (for many) less intimidating, added reason to trust the 'counselor' understands and appreciates your sensibilities--I have a hard time seeing this kind of pitched-cosmic-battle framing of common marital problems as a good idea. Are you really helping men and women to develop a mature approach to balancing clear-eyed understandings of their own emotional needs against their adult responsibilities to others by inviting them to think of their hearts as "lions' dens of devouring lusts"; by comparing them and their 'falls' before their spouses to King David (who would've been quite puzzled by the notion that it was his existing wives he'd wronged); by advising them that if they just stick with it--not out of personally felt will and confidence the relationship might be fixed, but "out of obedience" to "their vow to God"--then for sure God will "change hearts" and make everything work out; and by "challenging" them to see the real stakes here as "things eternal," not matters of basic honesty and responsibility towards self and others but rather of "your spiritual life, your walk with the Lord" ? Yes, of course for a religious person ethics and spirituality are connected, but this seems like a rather infantilizing way to interpret and apply that reality. Particularly since infidelity is so often preceded by existing dissatisfactions with the relationship, and/or existing dissatisfactions on the unfaithful partner's part with his/her progress in life on other fronts. Fretting about the evil hobgoblins of lust inhabiting your heart and how they're leading you away from God strikes me as misguided at best, and a dodge at worst, as a way to help people confront these problems.

Then again, maybe the whole reason this kind of program "works" (have no idea what the success rates are like compared to conventional marital counseling...?) is precisely because most people aren't, and never will be, self-aware enough to modify their relationship behaviors through other means?

(ETA: Just to be clear, this isn't a blanket slam of any and every religious-based marriage counseling program, marriage preparation program, retreats for married couples, etc. etc. ...more a reaction to the portrait the above quotes seem to paint of this particular "couples' boot camp" program and others like it.)
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Old 06-30-2009, 02:41 PM   #33
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i guess some people might consider it a slam, I know that was not your intend.

I have posted before,
that I believe a 'religious mind-set' often leads to bad-thinking.


Quote:
COLUMBIA, South Carolina (CNN) -- South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford met with his Argentine mistress more times than he originally admitted, Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer confirmed Tuesday.

COLUMBIA, South Carolina (CNN) -- South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford met with his Argentine mistress more times than he originally admitted, Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer confirmed Tuesday.


Gov. Mark Sanford has said it's better for him to keep his governorship to "learn lessons."


After returning last week from a secret trip to Argentina that his staff and wife didn't know about, Sanford admitted to an extramarital affair and said he had seen his mistress three times in the past year.

But he told The Associated Press he had met with Maria Belen Chapur seven times, including five visits in the past 12 months.

Two of their meetings in the past year included multiple-night stays in New York, Sanford told the AP.

Sanford told the AP he met with Chapur a third time in New York on what was intended to be a goodbye visit. Sanford was accompanied by his spiritual adviser, the AP reported.

Sanford also told the AP of two nonromantic encounters, including their first meeting in 2001 in Uruguay and getting coffee in New York during the 2004 Republican National Convention.

"There was some kind of connection from the very beginning," he told the AP.



After returning last week from a secret trip to Argentina that his staff and wife didn't know about, Sanford admitted to an extramarital affair and said he had seen his mistress three times in the past year.

But he told The Associated Press he had met with Maria Belen Chapur seven times, including five visits in the past 12 months.

Two of their meetings in the past year included multiple-night stays in New York, Sanford told the AP.

Sanford told the AP he met with Chapur a third time in New York on what was intended to be a goodbye visit. Sanford was accompanied by his spiritual adviser, the AP reported.

Sanford also told the AP of two nonromantic encounters, including their first meeting in 2001 in Uruguay and getting coffee in New York during the 2004 Republican National Convention.

"There was some kind of connection from the very beginning," he told the AP.
I read last week that her job included regular trips to New York.

It was obvious to me that they 'hooked-up" then.




Gov. Mark Sanford has said it's better for him to keep his governorship to "learn lessons."


Sorry, Sanford, this is not about you.
About you using your office to learn lessons, that you and every sane person already understands.

This guy only stops lying when the truth gets leaked out.

The 'affair' is a non event. His wife knew. I imagine his older kids knew there were problems.

The guy could have 'separated' from his wife. Made an announcement that this was a personal matter and requested privacy for himself and his family.

Marriages don't always work out.

But, to keep up a sham for political gain is not excusable.
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Old 06-30-2009, 03:18 PM   #34
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COLUMBIA, S.C.—South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford said Tuesday that he "crossed lines" with a handful of women other than his mistress—but never had sex with them.

The governor said he "never crossed the ultimate line" with anyone but Maria Belen Chapur, the Argentine at the center of a scandal that has derailed his once-promising political career.

"This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, this was a love story," Sanford said. "A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day."

During an emotional interview at his Statehouse office with The Associated Press on Tuesday, Sanford said Chapur is his soul mate but he's trying to fall back in love with his wife.

He said that during the encounters with other women he "let his guard down" with some physical contact but "didn't cross the sex line." He wouldn't go into detail.


Sanford said the casual encounters happened outside the U.S. while he was married but before he met Chapur, on trips to "blow off steam" with male friends.

Sanford said the casual encounters happened outside the U.S. while he was married but before he met Chapur, on trips to "blow off steam" with male friends. so this guy and his male friends went on foreign trips to blow off steam. and nothing happened?


some physical contact but "didn't cross the sex line.
so just blow jobs?

again, I don't care what people do in their private lives,
as long as they don't run on a platform of condemning others and claiming they represent true family values.
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Old 06-30-2009, 04:02 PM   #35
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Sen. Lindsey Graham talks Sanford scandal, Updated: Jun 29, 2009 3:48 PM PDT
By Hannah Horne - bio | email

COLUMBIA, SC (WIS) - Gov. Mark Sanford's family friend and political ally, Sen. Lindsey Graham, is speaking out on where the governor goes from here.

Graham supports the governor finishing out his term.

He says he's spoken to the governor twice since last week's drama unfolded, encouraging him to make things right at home and at work.

"Yes, I support his efforts to continue," said Sen. Graham. "Everyone is disappointed in Mark."

Despite a fall from political grace, Sanford is being encouraged to stay in office by Graham.

"I'd like to give him the chance and he seems to want that chance," said Sen. Graham.

Graham has a strong message to the political forces at work behind the scenes.

"Keep South Carolina, not your political interests in the forefront. Understand that we have a destroyed family," said Sen. Graham.

A family that Graham is very close to personally and politically.

"I can work with people who have failed and are flawed because I have failed and am flawed," said Sen. Graham.

Sanford's affair might have cost him political favor, but not Graham's friendship or support.

"The thing that has cost Mark the most, it's not the plane trip, it's what he's done to himself. Yes, he needs to get thing right with the taxpayers, voters and his family. I think he can. I hope he can," said Sen. Graham.
"Keep South Carolina, not your political interests in the forefront. Understand that we have a destroyed family," said Sen. Graham.


Graham is not making any sense, if he truly cared about this family.
He would advise Sanford to get the hell out from the spotlight and under the micro-scope and concentrate on salvaging his relationship with his family.
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Old 06-30-2009, 04:27 PM   #36
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Pawlenty to Jenny Sanford: Stand by your man… not!
By Chris Steller 6/29/09 12:56 PM

Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty said on CNN Sunday he’s “glad” Jenny Sanford didn’t stand by last week as her husband, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, confessed before cameras to intercontinental philandering. (Off-camera, Pawlenty reportedly said his own wife would call the media and throw his things out of the house if he tried such a stunt.)

Pawlenty stopped short of calling Gov. Sanford’s absence-without-leave a “dereliction of duty” — words he was ready to apply to himself were he to refuse a state Supreme Court order to sign an election certificate in Minnesota’s U.S. Senate contest. Pawlenty isn’t prepared to stand by former Sen. Norm Coleman to that degree.
Pawlenty speaking some common sense.
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Old 06-30-2009, 04:27 PM   #37
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You and I don't agree often, deep, but on this we absolutely do.
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Old 06-30-2009, 04:32 PM   #38
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sometimes crap is just crap

and it does not matter who points it out.
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Old 06-30-2009, 08:38 PM   #39
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Quotes from SC gov's wide-ranging AP interview

By The Associated Press – 1 hour ago

Quotes from Mark Sanford's wide-ranging interview with The Associated Press, conducted in his Statehouse office over two days:

_ On his political demise: "The problem with funerals is that someone has to die or something has to die. Obviously I've been dealing over the last couple of days with my own political funeral, if you will, in terms of other prospects that might or might not have come."

_ On other women he encountered on trips outside the U.S. but before he met his Argentine lover, Maria Belen Chapur, with whom he said he crossed a line he hadn't crossed before: "What I would say is that I've never had sex with another woman. Have I done stupid? I have. You know you meet someone. You dance with them. You go to a place where you probably shouldn't have gone ... If you're a married guy at the end of the day you shouldn't be dancing with somebody else. So anyway without wandering into that field we'll just say that I let my guard down in all senses of the word without ever crossing the line that I crossed with this situation."

_ On meeting Chapur for coffee during the Republican National Convention in New York in 2004: "I remember there was an older couple sitting to our right, and I remember them watching us, in the way that we interacted. They could see a spark, or, I don't know what you'd call it, but there was something there."

_ On reconciling his affair while people were talking about him as a possible 2012 presidential candidate: "You kept compartmentalizing. That one is incredibly important in terms of the ramifications. And my passion for the world of ideas that impact this country and state. Um, the other was tied to, well what's different between left brain and right brain, is what it is. One was about these different concrete things I've been working on. And the other, the other is tied to (long pause) the pursuit of happiness. Whatever that is.

_ On his most recent trip to see Chapur in Argentina: "No, she knew I was coming. Didn't believe I was coming, but I got down on one knee and said I am here in the hope that we can prove this whole thing to be a mirage."

_ On weighing his political career against his relationship with her: "I will be able to die knowing that I had met my soul mate. But it was one of those things, I knew the cost."

_ On his relationship with Chapur: "This was a whole lot more than a simple affair, that it's a love story ... a forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day."

_ On trying to deal with his feelings for her: "It's about incredibly deep conflicts, between one's heart and one's value system, and an 8 1/2 year wrestling match on that front."

_ On the affair: "Everyone of us is going to be at that death bed one day and we're going to look back over the whole of our lives and we're going to ask, you know, was or what we're willing to risk certain things that may be viewed as a stupid trade-off by the rest of the world but that's for each person to determine. And so if you end up 50 years here on earth and you know, alright, maybe I get another 30 and if you come into connection with a soul that touches yours in a way that no one's ever has, even if it's a place you can't go, this notion of knowing that you know, for me, became very important."

after reading these quotes, even if they are not in proper context,

one can not conclude that this man is not competent to be the Governor of a State.

He is not stable, his judgment is not sound. I am starting to wonder if he is a danger to himself and others.


Quote:
_ On meeting Chapur for coffee during the Republican National Convention in New York in 2004: "I remember there was an older couple sitting to our right, and I remember them watching us, in the way that we interacted. They could see a spark, or, I don't know what you'd call it, but there was something there."


This is delusional. This older couple probably thought why is that oddball staring at us, instead of his little hottie.
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Old 06-30-2009, 10:22 PM   #40
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Dear Friends,

I write to apologize and ask for your forgiveness.

Well beyond the personal consequences within my own family, I know that at so many different levels my actions have upset, offended and disappointed friends and supporters and for this I am most sorry. As I mentioned in last week's press conference, I've always believed God's laws were there to protect us from ourselves, and what has transpired over this last week vividly illustrates the damage that comes personally, and to those you love and respect, in doing otherwise.

So in the aftermath of this failure I want to not only apologize, but to commit to growing personally and spiritually. Immediately after all this unfolded last week I had thought I would resign - as I believe in the military model of leadership and when trust of any form is broken one lays down the sword. A long list of close friends have suggested otherwise - that for God to really work in my life I shouldn’t be getting off so lightly. While it would be personally easier to exit stage left, their point has been that my larger sin was the sin of pride. They contended that in many instances I may well have held the right position on limited government, spending or taxes - but that if my spirit wasn't right in the presentation of those ideas to people in the General Assembly, or elsewhere, I could elicit the response that I had at many times indeed gotten from other state leaders.

Their belief was that if I walked in with a real spirit of humility then this last legislative term could well be our most productive one - and that outside this term, I would ultimately be a better person and of more service in whatever doors God opened next in life if I stuck around to learn lessons rather than running and hiding down at the farm.

They have also made the point that a good part of life is about scripts - that the idea of redemption isn't something that Marshall, Landon, Bolton and Blake should just read about, it's something they should see. Accordingly, they suggested that there was a very different life script that would be lived and learned by our boys, and thousands like them, if this story simply ended with scandal and then the end of office - versus a fall from grace and then renewal and rebuilding and growth in its aftermath.

I won't belabor all these points, but I did want to write as expressed earlier to say that I'm sorry and that more than anything I personally ask for your prayers for me, Jenny, the boys and so many others who have been impacted by what I have done.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Take care.

Mark


this guy is the lowest of the low.
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Old 07-01-2009, 12:04 AM   #41
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Originally Posted by deep View Post
Sorry, Sanford, this is not about you.
Yeah, I think that pretty much sums up the above articles. The novelty of all that frankness about the emotional, not just sexual, infidelities and deceptions was 'refreshing' the first time around (press conference)...now it's starting to sound self-indulgent and narcissistic.

And sounds like Cubby The Spiritual Adviser also has some pretty whacked ideas of proper boundary-setting.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:14 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by yolland View Post
Yeah, I think that pretty much sums up the above articles. The novelty of all that frankness about the emotional, not just sexual, infidelities and deceptions was 'refreshing' the first time around (press conference)...now it's starting to sound self-indulgent and narcissistic.

And sounds like Cubby The Spiritual Adviser also has some pretty whacked ideas of proper boundary-setting.
I was about to post the same thing. He's using this platform as a bizarre public confessional over and over again, revealing much more than he needs to or should. Highly inappropriate, and I suspect it's fulfilling some sort of narcissistic need he has.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:31 AM   #43
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all these sincere confessions of sinning and asking for forgiveness may work with (some) religious people, that are conditioned think that way.
how can charitable people not forgive? he confessed? right?

and this act he put on seemed to work with some of the moderate and progressive posters in here,
here is a guy that fessed up and took responsibility
give him points for not lying, right?

but as this thing kept piddling out, all I could imagine was this guy flying on an airplane for hours and hours, when he had four kids and a wife at home

any self-respecting person would stop and say ok, I got to decide
"am I in or out?" and then make a choice and stand by it.

instead he did the cowardly and selfish thing.

a selfish coward is not qualifed to represent the people


also using his kids. as a reason why he should not resign, was he thinking about them all the times he snuck around and climbed in bed with Maria

and was he thinking about his kids yesterday when he said Maria was his soul mate?

A married man should not be open finding a new soul mate.
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Old 07-01-2009, 01:37 AM   #44
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I was about to post the same thing. He's using this platform as a bizarre public confessional over and over again, revealing much more than he needs to or should. Highly inappropriate, and I suspect it's fulfilling some sort of narcissistic need he has.
the purpose is to manipulate people into giving him another chance he does not deserve.

this is pre-emtive, sounds like he went to a few strip clubs and had some lap dances(and what-not) in the private VIP room.

that is the '"on trips to "blow off steam" with male friends, with other women he "let his guard down" with some physical contact but "didn't cross the sex line" crap.

there are people that know about this, so he wants it out.

it is very calculated, and totaling self serving
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Old 07-01-2009, 12:19 PM   #45
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The guy sure looks like a narcissist to me. That e-mail stuff just looks laughable and full of crap. If you are going to cheat when you find your real "soul mate" then why get married at all? I know, the heart wants what the heart wants. Sanctity of marriage, Mark.

July 1, 2009
Op-Ed Columnist
Rules of the Wronged
By MAUREEN DOWD

WASHINGTON

Stay focused, ladies. Here is The Practical Guide to Help Spurned Political Wives Survive Old Problems in the Era of New Technology.

1. Skip the press conference, especially when your husband is copping to call girls, gay pickups in airport bathrooms or “tragic” and “forbidden” telenovela-style love stories. Stoicism at the skunk’s side is overrated and, as Larry Craig’s wife learned, sunglasses don’t help.

2. When there’s an Associated Press bulletin quoting your husband saying that he has found his soul mate but he’s going to try to fall back in love with you, change the locks. (At your second home, too.)

3. If you can’t maintain a dignified Silda Spitzer silence; if you can’t find a girlfriend, a shrink, a personal trainer, a hairdresser or a yoga teacher to confide in; if you must unburden yourself of your fury about your loser husband, go to Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton or even Deepak Chopra before crying to The A.P. A news wire is not a spiritual adviser.

4. When your husband turns into a Harlequin romance, babbling to The A.P. — yes, even The A.P. thought it was T.M.I. — about a magical encounter on an open-air dance floor in Uruguay, “a soul that touches yours in a way that no one’s ever has,” and the “left brain and right brain” compartmentalization of “the world of ideas that impact this country and state” and “the pursuit of happiness, whatever that is,” just beat it.

5. If you think the worst is over, it’s probably only beginning. On Tuesday, after you thought Mark Sanford had already emoted and burbled more than any man in history, he volunteered to The A.P. (again!) that he had “crossed lines” with a handful of women on trips out of the country, but only “crossed the ultimate line” with his enchanting Maria. And just when you thought John Edwards could not sink any lower, there is news of a sex tape, in which Rielle Hunter shows off her skills not only in videography but pornography.

6. No matter how revolting your husband’s behavior is, don’t be passive-aggressive in public. Refrain from making any remarks that have a veneer of dignity but derogatory subtexts that sound like: “We’re trying to reconcile but it’s going to be tough because he has irreparably damaged my children” or “He has no integrity and I want my kids to have integrity” and “Sure, I’d like to give him a chance if he weren’t such a sleazeball.”

7. Don’t bring the children into it. They suffer enough being the kids of politicians. In the era of Facebook, texting, Google and iPhones, calling him out as a bad father will just go viral in the kids’ circles. Don’t trot out the family on “Oprah,” as Elizabeth Edwards did, or weepily show The A.P. the report cards of your two oldest sons from their elite private school in Columbia, S.C., as Jenny Sanford did.

8. Even if you’re a clever, competent woman, you risk sounding like a stereotypical harridan if you use the kids as a bludgeon and tell the press, as Jenny did: “You would think that a father who didn’t have contact with his children, if he wanted those children, he would toe the line a little bit.” When kids are involved, it’s best to chill when dishing out revenge.

9. Don’t slam his girlfriend for lying when you know she’s telling the truth. Don’t refer to the baby your rival had with your husband as “it.” Don’t trash a mistress, as Hillary and Elizabeth did, as a wacky stalker. No one — except the wife — blames the girlfriend as much as they blame the husband. Besides, you invite The Other Woman’s retaliation, as when Rielle decided — after watching Elizabeth spill to Oprah — that she might want that DNA test after all.

10. High-powered women like Hillary, Elizabeth and Jenny who give up their careers to focus on their husbands’ ambitions feel doubly betrayed. But it’s not your husband’s fault if you sacrifice more for the relationship than he does. Like an investor in a down market, you took a risk without a guarantee it would pay off. If you make your husband your career and you lose your husband, you lose your career, too.

11. Cut your losses and keep going. Don’t let yourself get dragged into his drama or your reputation may follow his down the well. Hillary refused to let that happen. She salvaged her long investment in Bill Clinton and turned a profit when she became a senator.

12. As you stay out of the spotlight that singes your husband, listen to whatever messages he is sending you through the press. When your husband says that is a world-class love story, ask him what this is. Just don’t do it through The A.P.
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