Disciplining Your Child

[Pearl]

What is the correct way to discipline your child? Is spanking OK? What about if the kid is really acting up and cannot be controlled?

Growing up, spanking was the norm in my house. Yep! Then again, my parents were pre-Baby Boomers, so they saw nothing wrong with it. I think spanking taught me to stay out of trouble, but it also taught me to fear my parents.

But when I see some kids today act up - such swearing at their parents at the age of 5 - I wonder if spanking is the answer.

I'm curious about what FYMers think, particularly the parents. Do you or could you ever spank your children? How do you discipline your child without resorting to physical discipline? Does it work?

 

[corianderstem]

I'm not a parent (nor do I play one on TV), but ...

I think there's a difference between spanking in anger, and spanking as an anticipated punishment.

My parents never hit me in anger, but if I did something very bad, they told me I would get a spanking, and I did. It was always after the fact, never as an immediate reaction.

It was humiliating, but it never seemed like violence to me, not even in hindsight. I did think some of their rules were weird and ridiculous, in hindsight, but that's my own battle to bring up at the next holiday dinner.

 

[AliEnvy]

I suppose it depends on what sorts of lessons you want your children to learn from you as a parent.

If one wants to teach their children that physical pain and humiliation is an appropriate way to solve problems and that fear and mistrust molds acceptable behaviour over the long-term then spanking is probably the way to go. It's certainly the easiest, least creative way to discipline and has carried over for generation after generation.

I know, we're all well-adjusted adults despite the "normal" amount of spanking, right?

I prefer rewarding good behaviour whenever possible and often in anticipation of a potentially bad scene, that helps quite a bit, especially the anticipating part if you're paying attention to your kids' patterns.

But really, I find punishment more effective to teaching lessons when they lose something that matters to them. And they learn this at a remarkably young age. Anyone that says you can't negotiate with a 3 year old is someone who has waited until said 3 year old is hysterical to try and teach cause and effect or to bargain. Lost cause.

 

[Liesje]

I don't have kids, but I plan to, and I used to nanny. Really I treat kids the same way I would train my dogs - reward the good, set the kid up for success (ie, don't take a kid to the grocery store three hours after the normal bedtime and spank him if he gets tired and has a fit), follow through with consequences (does not have to mean physical punishment).

Obviously I've never spanked a child since I don't have my own. I honestly don't remember if I was spanked as a kid.

 

[JCOSTER]

My kids are 11 and 14 and they are really good kids, never have a problem of being disrespectful to us when we go out in public or to other people, they do not curse at us or anything like that, do they answer back at times sure they do, but, we have never ever spanked them. We have tried to teach them that there are consequences to everything you say and do to other people and in general life.

I think I decided that our way of discipline would to spank them cause I was spanked as a child and remember it being pretty horrible.

 

[financeguy]

I don't agree with it but wouldn't agree with governments criminalising it either, as seemingly some countries are planning to do. Was not spanked a kid apart from the occasional slap on the hand with a wooden spoon.

 

[AliEnvy]

There are many similarities between kids and dogs lol. I found raising a puppy to be great "training wheels" for parenthood.

I was spanked as a kid. Not excessively but my mother would spank in the moment out of anger or safety issues and my dad was the one who used the big scary, dramatic over-the-knee deal on a rare occasion after the misdeed.

Haven't spanked mine, they are now 5 and 6, nor felt it has ever been necessary. There are consistent consequences for bad behaviour but not physical punishment.

Actually, I tripped into something that now works like magic and is more like variable reinforcement (similar to the lottery). On an outing my older daughter was giving me attitude about something so I mentioned that I had bought Timbits (munchkins for Dunkin Donuts people) as a surprise treat for after the event and she had now lost out. No Timbits for speaking to me like that. She got watch her sister and everyone else enjoy them. She kept saying "but I didn't know there were Timbits"...very frustrated lol.

In certain cirmcumstances, all I have to say is "well, Sophie, what if there's Timbits..."...instant cooperation.

 

[BVS]

I was spanked as a kid, and I remember the difference between the times of being spanked out of anger and those out of discipline. The line is not that gray and kids can tell the difference.

I think every child is different, and a really good parent knows what will work for that child.

 

[DrTeeth]

I don't have any children, but if I ever do, I hope to teach them to resolve conflicts without (even minor) violence. And I would have a hard time taking myself seriously if I would teach them not to hit people on one day, and spank them a day later. Besides, I see many parents giving their children a prefectly good upbringing without spanking them so obviously it's not necessary.

So yeah, I wouldn't spank my child.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i don't have children but will at some point. i don't see anything wrong with one solitary smack to the backside when they act up, but i don't think i could do more than that. my mom was usually the one doing the discipline since my dad would sometimes be away on business trips, and she tended to focus more on getting me to understand what i did wrong and why it was wrong, and giving me time out or not letting me watch tv. though sometimes i did still get the smack up the backside.

 

[Saracene]

I don't know if I'll ever have kids, but if I did I'd make every effort to resolve issues without resorting to physical punishment. Even if I ended up with some horrible little shit

My siblings and I were very rarely spanked when we were little, and if anything my Mum's harsh tone of voice used to make a far bigger impression.

 

[kramwest1]

I was spanked occasionally as a child and turned out fine in most respects. I don't see spanking as any sort of a good method of discipline, meaning having it as a regular part of your dealing with a child. But, I would allow for spanking in situations where the child (particularly a young child, 3-6?) was in immediate danger by their actions--such as running out into the street or other life-threatening, impulsive actions. In these situations, a quick swat on the butt may ensure total attention by the child and building a memory as to why such an action is unacceptable/dangerous.

I see kids getting spanked for being mouthy or for not doing some task, and that is ridiculous. That is a failure of control on the part of the parent--both in teaching the kid ahead of time and in spanking as a reaction of frustration by the parent.

So, do I think it should be illegal. No. I think true physical abuse has more obvious marks. And, if courts want to get involved so deeply in the parent/child relationship, verbal and emotional abuse are far more common, yet harder to prove.

Really, I don't know why society looks at the back-end of problems and decides whether to prosecute or not instead of being active on the front-end and offering parenting classes. Yes, the content of the classes could be controversial and contentious, but it still would be helpful.

(No, I don't have children of my own, but I have been around many different children all of my life and regularly babysit, and yes, I take children shopping on my own. I am the only one in our family that can take my 3 nephews and niece somewhere by myself other than their parents.)

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

I don't believe in spanking at all-it creates fear and resentment and I don't believe in parenting by fear

I believe in explaining to kids why they shouldn't do certain things- that creates an atmosphere of trust and respect and I believe in parenting by respect and by role modeling, respect that's a two way street.

 

[kassandra]

I raised 4 children and they did get an occasional slap on the butt. They are all wonderful young adults, happy and secure.

I do not believe in beating your child, or setting up a spanking session but when they are in a dangerous situation or totally out of control a slap on the butt certainly gets their attention quick!

Positive and negative reinforcement works best for children. As a teacher I am constantly negotiating with unruly students. Results occur when the child understands what the rewards and consequences are clearly spelled out. I teach 5 year olds. Parents often ask if spanking is OK and I tell them that it is your very last resort and never spank when you are angry, just a tap on the butt is all I would do.

 

[kramwest1]

I raised 4 children and they did get an occasional slap on the butt. They are all wonderful young adults, happy and secure.

I do not believe in beating your child, or setting up a spanking session but when they are in a dangerous situation or totally out of control a slap on the butt certainly gets their attention quick!

Positive and negative reinforcement works best for children. As a teacher I am constantly negotiating with unruly students. Results occur when the child understands what the rewards and consequences are clearly spelled out. I teach 5 year olds. Parents often ask if spanking is OK and I tell them that it is your very last resort and never spank when you are angry, just a tap on the butt is all I would do.

^This.

And consistency!
That's the biggest failing I see with parents--not being consistent in their attention and their discipline. I understand when there are differences between the parents, but when one parent sometimes punishes for a child's act and then sometimes doesn't, the child doesn't get it.

 

[ryancoke71]

I raised 4 children and they did get an occasional slap on the butt. They are all wonderful young adults, happy and secure.

I do not believe in beating your child, or setting up a spanking session but when they are in a dangerous situation or totally out of control a slap on the butt certainly gets their attention quick!

Positive and negative reinforcement works best for children. As a teacher I am constantly negotiating with unruly students. Results occur when the child understands what the rewards and consequences are clearly spelled out. I teach 5 year olds. Parents often ask if spanking is OK and I tell them that it is your very last resort and never spank when you are angry, just a tap on the butt is all I would do.

You and I are on the same page! I am a teacher myself, so I know the methods of discipline used in a classroom setting, and most of those are used in my household at home. However, I have given a quick swat in extremely unacceptable situations. In my 10 years as a parent of two, I can think of maybe 2 or 3 times. There is a difference between a quick swat, and a spanking where you are hitting the child repeatedly. That happens out of anger, and it can quickly get out of control. That's my 2 cents!

 

[kassandra]

And both parents need to be on the same page, children quickly learn to play one against the other.

 

[ryancoke71]

Yes, and that can be a struggle sometimes!

 

[U2Mama]

My kids are 8 and 12 and have very different personalities. You have to use a punishment that works for your child. Taking things away (computer, tv, iPod, etc) works for my 12 y/o son, but not for my daughter, however, not letting her play with a friend or a time-out on the stairs without distractions work for her. Spanking is not my thing, however, I have done it after repeated warnings when my son was younger. Bottom line is you have to stick with your threats...it drives me nuts when I hear parents say "if you don't stop (fill in the blank) I'm going to (fill in the blank) and they never follow through. The kid knows they can get away with anything because they'll never get in trouble!

And both parents need to be on the same page, children quickly learn to play one against the other.

This is so true! You really need to figure out how you're going to parent your kids before you have them! My husband and I took an awesome parenting class before our son was born which helped us anticipate different situations and let us figure out how we would react. My kids are great and I think a lot of it is because we work hard at being good parents!

 

[Pearl]

Interesting replies!

I like how some people are against spanking, but some see it as a necessity. As long as its disciplinary spanking, it is OK. I like how U2Mama said each children needs its own form of discipline.

The reason why I brought this up is because - as some of you might know - is that my sister had her first baby last week, and it has lead me to wonder how she would discipline her kids and how I would when I have my own kids. It sounds nerve-wracking because you don't want to be the parent that allows the kids to get away with murder. You'd want well-rounded, respectful kids without having to strike fear into them.

 

[Sicy]

i don't have children but will at some point. i don't see anything wrong with one solitary smack to the backside when they act up, but i don't think i could do more than that.

Yeah that. Not that I plan on having kids, but I feel that a smack on the butt is fine when necessary.

We used to get the belt, the spatula (from my Italian mother) a backhand across the face at dinner if we didnt eat our food or acted up (from Dad) or a pinch to the leg in the car on vacation... etc. My parents didnt 'beat' us, but we were definitely punished by force as well as getting grounded, or things taken away. Times have certainly changed now and if parents did all that nowadays they'd get arrested.

In this day and age and from what I've witnessed with my 4 year old nephew, is that if he doesnt listen or talks back, he gets things taken away... no toys or no desert, or no we are not going to the park now, things like that. And rewarding by telling him if you eat all your food you get desert, or you can pick out a toy if you poop in the toilet. It seems to be going ok and he listens to his parents the majority of the time because he knows they will take things away if he doesnt listen.

It's kind of hard though because his parents are not together so his disciplining is slightly different, a bit more strict when he's with my brother I think because of our upbringing compared to the upbringing of his mom.

 

[maycocksean]

Like BVS I've experienced both "spanking in anger" (okay, it was straight up abuse. Fortunately it was mostly when I was too young to remember. What I remember from that time is just being scared all the time) and what I would consider appropriate spanking. The former was from my dad, who we left when I was seven and the latter was from my mom. My mom only spanked me three times that I can recall and to this day I remember exactly what I was spanked for (which might indicate what an impact it made). Once was for swinging on a towel rack until it broke after being warned repeatedly not to do it. The second time was because I called my mom an "ass" to see what would happen. Needless to say, I found out. Third, was when I hit my sister. My mom was determined that we would understand that hitting a girl was never, ever acceptable.

The spankings themselves I don't recall--it was a probably a few swats from this evil looking buckle-less belt that she kept coiled up like a snake on the top shelf of her bedroom closet.

My son is two, and I don't think we've ever given him a spanking so far. He's too young, I think. When he's older we may use it, but if we do it will be as rare as it was with my mom and it won't be done in anger. The idea of spanking only in cases of outright and repeated defiance, blatant disrespect, and when the safety of my son or someone else is at stake seems reasonable to me.

I would also add that spanking is most effective for a limited time in a child's life when they are old enough to know what they are doing, but not so old that reasoning alone is a sufficient deterent.

That's my take anyway.

 

[Irvine511]

I would also add that spanking is most effective for a limited time in a child's life when they are old enough to know what they are doing, but not so old that reasoning alone is a sufficient deterent.

this seems very perceptive to me.

i'm not a parent, but i'm interested. i'd probably come down on the anti-spanking side of things. but this makes sense.

 

[Liesje]

Interesting replies!

I like how some people are against spanking, but some see it as a necessity.

I'm neither. I'm not vehemently against it though I don't plan on doing it to my kids. I know plenty of people who spank or got spanked and did not grow up in fear of physical punishment. Nor do I see it as a necessity. I just think that the same level of consequence can be achieved a different way, or, the bad behavior can be prevented altogether. It's not really the spanking that would bother me, but that the child's behavior escalated to that level.

 

[RedRocksU2]

Do you or could you ever spank your children? How do you discipline your child without resorting to physical discipline? Does it work?

Never had to.
The kids have been very good about listening to us and if they don't, then we resort at taking away some their valuable things; i.e. Wii time, Poptropica, etc.

I've seen worse than physical discipline, I have seen verbal and mental abuse which I believe stays with them longer and it creates bigger scars. I just do not understand how parents can do this to THEIR children.
All in all, we've been very lucky with our kids...but I would never "spank" them if it came to that scenario.

 

[A stor]

I'm a parent and never spanked my son. He had clear cut rules and learned by example.

 

[Irvine511]

I've seen worse than physical discipline, I have seen verbal and mental abuse which I believe stays with them longer and it creates bigger scars.

i hear that.

there's a big difference between a smack on the bottom, and a slap across the face. the force could be totally equal, and the intention the same, but the effect on a child is, i think, dramatically different.

 

[RedRocksU2]

It should be noted that I do not mind disciplining other people's brats.

 

[kassandra]

It should be noted that I do not mind disciplining other people's brats.

 

[Liesje]

i hear that.

there's a big difference between a smack on the bottom, and a slap across the face. the force could be totally equal, and the intention the same, but the effect on a child is, i think, dramatically different.

I don't remember being spanked, not sure if I ever was (but I don't think my parents were absolutely opposed to it), but BOY do I remember getting slapped! I was backtalking and being disrespectful which was not normal for me, I can look back and laugh about it because I really did deserve it.