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Old 05-19-2010, 05:27 PM   #31
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So are we saying that the whole idea that the average male sex drive is higher than the average female sex drive is entirely a social construct?

I have no idea of the answer, just throwing it out there for debate.
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Old 05-19-2010, 05:54 PM   #32
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So are we saying that the whole idea that the average male sex drive is higher than the average female sex drive is entirely a social construct?

I have no idea of the answer, just throwing it out there for debate.


i think that the frequency with which men wish to have sex, and with a variety of sexual partners, is fairly hardwired, and we only have to look at the ease of male arousal and orgasm to find some evidence of that. i also think that, in general, most women tend to prefer one monogamous partner, and that sex for them is a more complex experience than arousal, friction, release.

when viewing gay relationships, there's an old joke that i think can be illuminating about gender differences: "What does a lesbian bring to a second date? A U-Haul. What does a gay man bring to a second date? What second date?"

however, this isn't to say that both genders, at different times and at different points in their lives, aren't drawn to behavior that's more stereotypical of the other general, and that's not to say that we can't regulate our sexual impulses with rational decision making.

and, my final point, is that i don't think that men necessarily want or enjoy sex more than women, as both terms are fairly subjective.

my guess is that proverbial tales of diminishing female libido are likely due to more social forces than biological ones.

but it's not like i'm out there testing this theory.

ultimately, what do i know? most of my female friends who are unmarried occasionally want a quick fuck but would rather be in a LTR, and most of my female friends who are married appear to have health sex lives with their husbands. this strikes me as entirely healthy.
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Old 05-19-2010, 06:07 PM   #33
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I think the reason why the "cougars" are coming out is because these are the same women who grew up in the late 70s and 1980s, when women having fun with their sexuality was becoming less taboo. You could say Madonna had an influence on that, or not.

Then again, in the 1990s and the 2000s, women began exploring their sexuality more and more. So, the women in their 40s are probably watching younger women have fun and want to same thing. Or, they did have fun in their twenties and want to relive that fun now since they are single.

I see nothing wrong with a 40+ woman sleeping with a 20 something guy. After all, aren't those the ages where their hormones are ranging most? Remember, a woman reaches her sexual peak in her fourties, so of course she's going to want sex. And a guy in his 20s is crazy for sex, so the two parties go together.

I hope I made sense.
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Old 05-19-2010, 06:25 PM   #34
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People don't want to believe that women - and not just a freakish, unnatural small minority - are capable of separating the pleasure of sex for sex sake and the quest for love...ultimately to bear children etc etc.
Exactly. For everything there is a time and a season as the saying goes.

Sometimes you can look at a man and want little more than sexual release. Sometimes this can be a one time thing and sometimes it can be ongoing. Maybe there are women out there who wanted a long term relationship and marriage and children with every man they slept with; I sure am not one and frankly I don't know anyone my age who is either.

And THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT so long as that is what two consenting adult parties agree to and for so long as it works for both of them without negative consequences. I personally think it's really unhealthy to see sex as something shameful and sinful. Sex is a great thing and can fulfill many different needs.
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Old 05-20-2010, 11:22 AM   #35
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I don't think the whole "cougar" thing is all about sex-why can't two people of different ages (either a small age gap or a bigger one) just have connections with each other that go beyond that? Sure many things will be different just by virtue of age-but the more important things you can still feel a deep attraction to. I don't think all older guy/younger women relationships are all about sex either.

I don't judge what anyone else does but for me there just has to be some sort of connection there.
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Old 05-20-2010, 04:49 PM   #36
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I don't think the whole "cougar" thing is all about sex-why can't two people of different ages (either a small age gap or a bigger one) just have connections with each other that go beyond that?
This line from the article seems to back that up:
“Cougar Life was made for women … single moms, divorcees and women that are just looking for a second chance at love. In any relationship, obviously there’s going to be intimacy but it’s not a sex-related site where we’re trying to push sexual relations.”

The question is whether attraction and chemistry (or sexual compatability) is the same thing as a genuine love connection. Fucking's easy -- talking, now that's tough...
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Old 05-20-2010, 04:56 PM   #37
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The question is whether attraction and chemistry (or sexual compatability) is the same thing as a genuine love connection.
Why does it have to be?

Do you believe that in order to have good, correct, responsible sex, you have to have a love connection? Is that the only context in which sex should be permissible or be seen as healthy?
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Old 05-20-2010, 05:12 PM   #38
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Why does it have to be?
The goal, according to the quote I posted, is love. Sex is something else. I think that any reasonable person would agree that the interconnection of body parts is not the same thing as the interconnection of hearts.
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Old 05-20-2010, 05:18 PM   #39
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one is irrefutable
the other, speculative
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Old 05-20-2010, 05:18 PM   #40
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The question is whether attraction and chemistry (or sexual compatability) is the same thing as a genuine love connection. Fucking's easy -- talking, now that's tough...

is that really the question here?

(as for myself, i find talking very easy ... probably too much, just ask the more taciturn Memphis)
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Old 05-20-2010, 06:28 PM   #41
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one is irrefutable
the other, speculative
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Old 05-20-2010, 07:14 PM   #42
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Does anyone know where the term "cougar" originated? It seems like such a bizarre name. . .

Hmmm. . .I think we all know what the real debate is here, though we're all talking around it.

This is about nathan's religious beliefs that everyone knows is informing his sex-in-marriage only belief, a belief which, even though he has never said it, everyone knows he has.

I think it's a difficult stance to take today--especially because people tend to read so much into such a belief that may or may not be there.

I believe in sex only within marriage, but I can understand why nathan didn't want to get into discussing it, (irvine's declared interest in hearing more nothwithstanding)--I don't get the sense that any one is really interested in giving a fair hearing to why we believe this way. I think everyone believes they already know and have already concluded that it is benighted, sexist, judgmental, and intolerant.

If anyone WERE interested I would begin my explanation about why I believe in sex-only-within-marriage by pointing out that it's debatable whether the Bible even has anything at all to say on this topic. . .

But that's if anyone was interested. . . .
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Old 05-20-2010, 07:28 PM   #43
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Frankly, I am interested. To be honest I'm probably closer to your side than most. Not fully sex-only-within-marriage, but definitely sex-only-within-a-relationship (where both parties are interested in each other more than the sex). But that's really only something I set for myself, and don't really expect nor necessarily think that everyone else should be doing the same.
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Old 05-20-2010, 07:32 PM   #44
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But that's really only something I set for myself, and don't really expect nor necessarily think that everyone else should be doing the same.


At the end of the day, isn't that what these types of topics come down to?

I mean, even this stupid need to assign a name to something like "cougar" reeks to me of judgment, which is why it rubs me the wrong way so much.
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Old 05-20-2010, 08:26 PM   #45
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But that's really only something I set for myself, and don't really expect nor necessarily think that everyone else should be doing the same.
Well, since Diemen's interested. . .may be I'll give it a go. Should I start a thread entitled "Ask the Man Who's Only Had Sex with One Woman in His Life"?

Or would that be TMI?

I basically feel the same way that you do. I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one in my generation of my family who made this choice (or at least stuck with it), but ironically I'm not the most religiously conservative of the group either. For me, I do take a step further in that I do believe that it is a better way to go, not just a better way for me specifically. But I believe that about a lot of things and it doesn't mean that I think any less of a person or judge them because they make different choices than I do. My reasons have less to do with Biblical injunctions and more about what I think makes sense. Of course I'd be lying if I didn't concede that it certainly began with the mores of my pretty conservative religious upbringing but that isn't the primary reason for my stance now--well, it IS but not in the way that I think most people imagine or in the way that it was when I was younger--the whole, "oh it's a big sin and God will be very mad/sad if you do it"
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