50% of Men Would Dump Girlfriend for Getting Fat

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Obsession with body figure issues seems to be one the very many pathologies that are by-products of hypercapitalist societies.
 
and speaking of obsession of body figures, a certain UK paper is constantly slamming women for being thin/fat/over 30 years old, etc.

I see it everyday.

nothing about men,

all about women.


would make you almost feel guilty for exisiting...
 
The issue is not really your partner being fat, it's your partner being fat after maintaining a healthy lifestyle previously in the relationship.
 
Well that's the way relationships go. Your partner becoming seriously ill after previously being healthy. Your partner becoming unemployed after previously being employed. Your partner becoming disfigured in a car accident after previously being good looking. Your partner suffering from depression after previously not.

One can argue about issues as far as how much control someone has over circumstance and things such as weight. But doesn't it all ultimately come down to commitment and what you are willing to do or to "tolerate" to stay in a relationship and to make it work? To help a person through xyz?

Unless you're genetically gifted and/or able to afford a personal chef, plastic surgery, personal trainer, enough free time and the will to exercise..well time marches on and it gets much tougher to even maintain. If someone is going to dump you because you get what they consider to be "fat"(and that can be subjective based upon individual standards) just for esthetic reasons and not any underlying issues, maybe there wasn't much of a relationship to begin with and maybe it's not worth saving anyway.

I certainly get that physical attraction is a big part of it, it would be silly to deny that. But so is attraction that is supposed to be based upon deeper things.
 
Well that's the way relationships go. Your partner becoming seriously ill after previously being healthy. Your partner becoming unemployed after previously being employed. Your partner becoming disfigured in a car accident after previously being good looking. Your partner suffering from depression after previously not.
I agree with you to a point, but I would argue that slowly becoming obese in a long-term relationship is a sign of complacency and lack of desire to consistently "work on" the relationship. It's no different than a woman saying her partner doesn't say "I love you" enough anymore or "We don't go on dates, you don't make me feel special" anymore. Becoming unemployed, suffering a car accident, or depression are serious things that are many times unexpected and out of our control.

Jogging twice a week to stay in okay shape is something that is within the control of the majority of people.

I certainly get that physical attraction is a big part of it, it would be silly to deny that. But so is attraction that is supposed to be based upon deeper things.
And it is based on deeper things. But it's hard for a relationship to have real legs if there is no long-term sexual attraction because eventually one of the two partners will likely look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.
 
i think, over time, physical attraction becomes less important, people age, gain weight naturally, and i think leaving your partner because they are suddenly 50 is much less understandable than leaving a partner because they gain a large amount of weight in a short amount of time and are unwilling to try to address the issue.

again, we are talking about a lifestyle issue, not a health issue (i.e., pituitary problems), and where a lifestyle issue becomes a health issue.

of course, we are talking about a "girlfriend" in the article -- not a spouse or partner where there is a written, legal commitment, an especially if there were children involved.

you try telling your kids you divorced mom because she got fat.

of course, we'd understand if you divorced mom if she was an alcoholic. might food addiction be any different? serious question.
 
this is a dilemma, with some very weighty issues involved

with difficult questions like this, I, along with others, often turn to experts for their advice.



this man wants to leave his wife, (I am not sure of her size)
but he is decent enough that he will still "date" her.



She has decided to consult an expert.

Husband wants to leave wife, then date her

Ask Amy

July 28, 2011
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Dear Amy: My dear husband of 30 years stated out of nowhere that our marriage was over. I asked why he was leaving, and he said he wanted a life like his single male friend has!

We were both very fortunate to have made good investments, so he was able to retire in his early 50s with very little to keep him busy. He frequents social clubs in our town on a daily basis.

I am involved with all sorts of outside activities.

He is an only child and likes his time to himself, and I have given him that over the years. He says he wants to move out and try life on his own. He feels there must be more to life than what we have together.

I have come up with loads of ideas to try and nothing interests him. He says there is no one else, and I trust there isn't.

Instead of renting an apartment and trying this trial separation for six months, he's already purchased a condo and will not be taking anything from our home except his personal things so as not to upset things here.

He said he would like to "date" me.

I have pleaded with him to try to work on our marriage.

He says he feels this will probably be a big mistake but that he needs to do it "as an experiment." He says I have done nothing wrong.

Do you think it's a midlife crisis or another woman — and should I contact an attorney?

I am very sad and confused. For the first time in my life I do not know where to turn.

— Money but no Happiness
 
I agree with you to a point, but I would argue that slowly becoming obese in a long-term relationship is a sign of complacency and lack of desire to consistently "work on" the relationship.

Or it's a sign of someone having underlying issues-that have to do with the relationship or don't. Or both. It's interesting what you said about not going on dates or not saying I love you, making you feel special. Because I think that could be a cause of someone "letting themselves go" physically. It all works together.
 
of course, we'd understand if you divorced mom if she was an alcoholic. might food addiction be any different? serious question.

I think that's a good point. I think food addiction is very real, and that some people are food addicts at the same level that other people are alcoholics. So if that's the case, well it's much more complicated than "just get in shape and lose some weight".
 
of course, we'd understand if you divorced mom if she was an alcoholic. might food addiction be any different?
If you're talking an actual clinical eating disorder, then no, I don't think it's dramatically different, because like alcoholics people with eating disorders frequently lie, withdraw from family and friends, are "not really there even when they are" because of obsessions, are highly self-destructive, strongly resist treatment, etc. But presumably most people who gradually become obese over years (which describes most obese people) wouldn't qualify as having a clinical eating disorder, just a mix of physical and mental bad habits that don't rise to the level of mental disorder.


But I think framing all this stuff in terms of "If you truly love your partner, you should/shouldn't care much if s/he gets pretty overweight" may be straitjacketing and not true to how priority-setting in committed relationships actually works. If staying attractive to (or attracted to) your longterm partner has come to feel like a threatening, burdensome or depressing chore, then there's probably more going on than your partner having unreasonable physical expectations (or taking your attraction for granted).
 
But I think framing all this stuff in terms of "If you truly love your partner, you should/shouldn't care much if s/he gets pretty overweight" may be straitjacketing and not true to how priority-setting in committed relationships actually works.


yes, but then we wouldn't be able to reference a clearly authoritative poll in a magazine that's designed to get results that will just OUTRAGE women while toying with near universal insecurities.
 
To me, good grooming, and trying your best to be thin and look young is a sign of healthy self-esteem and a good mind set. Everyone - male and female - wants that in a partner. Unless you have a thyroid problem, losing weight can be done if you value yourself and/or handle your troublesome emotions well.

Of course, I don't believe anyone should lose weight and obsess over their looks for the sake of their partner. Take care of yourself for yourself. Do it for yourself. It's like that line from the Alanis Morissette song, "Mary Jane": I hear you're losing weight again, Mary Jane/Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for?
 
I think they dump for younger because sadly men are into visual more.


why sadly? is it men's fault their sexuality is hardwired to be more responsive to visual stimulation?

what about women who look only for rich men, often decades older? or is that more understandable?
 
I only do things that make me happy (or try to). I don't workout, or have my hobbies to try an impress anyone except accomplish my own personal goals. I like to feel fit, I like to try my best at whatever I do (marital arts, golf, baseball, etc). I know there is always someone who's bigger, faster, stronger. But that doesnt' really affect me.

If I can't be happy with myself, then if I'm in a relationship, I'm just going to drag the other person down too. Vice versa (which is usually how my relationships in the past have worked), and if they can't accept me for me....then I'm fine with being dumped or told this isn't working.

Better to get out of a relationship that way then be miserable too long.
 
why sadly? is it men's fault their sexuality is hardwired to be more responsive to visual stimulation?

what about women who look only for rich men, often decades older? or is that more understandable?


Women who do that-that's sadly too.

I think men who would dump a gf or wife JUST for the reason that she's getting older, that's sad. To have that be your only priority for a wife or gf, that's undeniably sad from my perspective. I don't care how much anyone is hard wired for visual stimulation. And what about the guy who is aging too just as much-unless he's stepped back into a frigging time machine and is looking eternally young.
 
But why does older = more unhealthy? I know plenty of people that have gotten healthier with age with a few simple adjustments in their lifestyle. I don't think this is really as much of a hang-up as it might seem. Some people place more priority on looks and attraction...oh well. But for those that don't, why sell ourselves short? Aging doesn't having to mean packing on pounds.
 
I would argue that slowly becoming obese in a long-term relationship is a sign of complacency and lack of desire to consistently "work on" the relationship.
While I understand your point and agree that it applies in many cases, I was trying to figure out yesterday why this phrasing struck me as problematic, and I think I know now what it is. (MrsS already touched on this a little, but maybe not very explicitly.) The problem is it seems to assume that if your partner--male or female, but realistically this is more likely an issue with women--was at a normal, healthy weight when you met her, then she must have had a normal, healthy relationship to food, exercise and body image at that time, too, and unfortunately that simply isn't reliably true. She may have been maintaining that weight only through yo-yo dieting (or worse), and furthermore if she was outright thin (which yes some women are naturally, and some men are naturally attracted to that, and that's fine as far as it goes), that may have been the result not of a "naturally fast metabolism" but of an unhealthy degree of deprivation which was never going to be realistic for her to maintain. You could argue that this is a moot point because, just as with discovering upon moving in with your partner/spouse that s/he's not just the "partier" you thought but frankly out-and-out alcoholic, one way or the other it still becomes a relationship issue once you realize all was not quite what it seemed. But besides the fact that comparing, say, yo-yo dieting tendencies (which are really very common) to alcoholism is questionably extreme, I also think it may be the case that recognizing the psychological sources of the "change" matters, that it's neither fair nor helpful to conceive of it as "not appreciating me enough" when the truth is that to whatever extent she could've been said to be "appreciating" you before by staying fit/thin, she was going about it in an unhealthy way. That doesn't mean it's therefore your duty to just sigh resignedly and accept this as something you can't really ask for and expect change on, but it might call for a rethink of some of your initial assumptions about what exactly is going on emotionally on your partner's end.
 
We men are wired sexually to the visual aspect. I don't think that is ever going to change. I just like a woman to try and stay fit like I do. Not the same....but work out regularly, eat decent. I don't expect model thin (and don't even like that). Just a healthy lifestyle, independent, and a person who is happy with themselves. I think most people are looking for these things in a partner.
 
To me, good grooming, and trying your best to be thin and look young is a sign of healthy self-esteem and a good mind set.

That's debatable, to say the least. Depending on what you mean by 'thin' and 'young', it would strike me as a sign of anything but healthy self esteem.

And people are supposed to want this, which is apparently essential to win the approval of others, in and of themselves and not for others' sake?
 
I understand the different viewpoints in this thread, but I think we are trying way too hard to find some kind of self-esteem / eating disorder / depression / empowerment angle on this topic when all I feel is that a partner should make an effort in a long-term relationship to stay fit. Is that really too much to ask or are we that complacent in our modern lifestyle being trolleyed around from air-conditioned bubble to bubble by vehicles, walking very little.

Al Bundy let himself go and we laugh at him for it. Don't tell me there is a double-standard in society about weight vs. long term relationships when we have been poking fun at fat married guys since being thin became the symbol of healthy living instead of malnutrition.

That's my Iron Horsie post for the month.
 
Well, this is why Irvine was grumbling about the sensationalistic nature of this "survey," right? Who among us would in practice presume to dictate to a friend how s/he "should" feel about his/her partner becoming obese. Especially in a relationship beyond the casual-dating type that many of these survey respondents were probably picturing, that's a matter between the two people, and will get hashed out based on a combination of factors ultimately unique to that relationship.
 
But why does older = more unhealthy? I know plenty of people that have gotten healthier with age with a few simple adjustments in their lifestyle. I don't think this is really as much of a hang-up as it might seem. Some people place more priority on looks and attraction...oh well. But for those that don't, why sell ourselves short? Aging doesn't having to mean packing on pounds.

I think we were talking about aging by itself, not related to weight. Aging= automatically less attractive. Has nothing to do with weight or "packing on pounds".
 
I understand the different viewpoints in this thread, but I think we are trying way too hard to find some kind of self-esteem / eating disorder / depression / empowerment angle on this topic when all I feel is that a partner should make an effort in a long-term relationship to stay fit. Is that really too much to ask or are we that complacent in our modern lifestyle being trolleyed around from air-conditioned bubble to bubble by vehicles, walking very little.

I agree. So wanting to remain fit and looking young and healthy automatically means I have a self-esteem issue and am only doing so to win approval of others? I actually feel the opposite. I couldn't give a flying fuck what "other people" think about me or how I look. To me, weight, BMI, etc are just numbers. There is an ideal number FOR ME that I know is attainable (because I have been there without being addicted to working out or having an eating disorder). Why should I just let myself go? What is wrong with enjoying looking good, looking healthy, and most importantly feeling healthy? When I am healthy I have more energy, I have better moods, and I sleep better. At my target weight and fitness level, all of my health numbers like blood pressure, glucose, HDL, LDL, etc are within optimal ranges. Both my doctor and my fitness person (who I only see because I get "points" that earn cash back through my employer's health insurance policy, not because I am so concerned with my body that I need to see a fitness expert) agree that my target weight is perfectly healthy. Because of my jobs and my genetics I might have to work a bit harder than some who are naturally slim and healthy but it is certainly not some all-consuming lifestyle adjustment that revolves around winning someone else's approval. Maybe it is easier for me since I'm a numbers kind of person and do not have emotional issues relative to body image. I figure out a target number and then make some healthy adjustments to achieve that, it's really not that complicated.

People who have low self-esteem seem to have that regardless of their weight and level of fitness. I know plenty of obese people with self-esteem issues and I know people who are naturally thin and "beautiful" (without having to work to achieve or maintain it) who have self-esteem issues. True eating disorders are a psychological disease where weight/looks are actually incidental to issues of self-esteem and self-control and as yolland mentioned, ED does not necessarily = skinny.
 
I agree 100% with doing it only for yourself and with wanting to look good/better to please yourself..not others. When I started doing that it was the first beginning of a really healthy attitude for me. Doing it for others is the road to failure and is ultimately unhealthy. Can be very self destructive.
 
I agree. So wanting to remain fit and looking young and healthy automatically means I have a self-esteem issue and am only doing so to win approval of others? I actually feel the opposite. I couldn't give a flying fuck what "other people" think about me or how I look.
Good god, you completely misunderstood my post and overreacted.

The (over)reactions in this thread are very interesting.
 
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