financeguy
ONE love, blood, life
Obsession with body figure issues seems to be one the very many pathologies that are by-products of hypercapitalist societies.
I agree with you to a point, but I would argue that slowly becoming obese in a long-term relationship is a sign of complacency and lack of desire to consistently "work on" the relationship. It's no different than a woman saying her partner doesn't say "I love you" enough anymore or "We don't go on dates, you don't make me feel special" anymore. Becoming unemployed, suffering a car accident, or depression are serious things that are many times unexpected and out of our control.Well that's the way relationships go. Your partner becoming seriously ill after previously being healthy. Your partner becoming unemployed after previously being employed. Your partner becoming disfigured in a car accident after previously being good looking. Your partner suffering from depression after previously not.
And it is based on deeper things. But it's hard for a relationship to have real legs if there is no long-term sexual attraction because eventually one of the two partners will likely look elsewhere for sexual satisfaction.I certainly get that physical attraction is a big part of it, it would be silly to deny that. But so is attraction that is supposed to be based upon deeper things.
Husband wants to leave wife, then date her
Ask Amy
July 28, 2011
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Dear Amy: My dear husband of 30 years stated out of nowhere that our marriage was over. I asked why he was leaving, and he said he wanted a life like his single male friend has!
We were both very fortunate to have made good investments, so he was able to retire in his early 50s with very little to keep him busy. He frequents social clubs in our town on a daily basis.
I am involved with all sorts of outside activities.
He is an only child and likes his time to himself, and I have given him that over the years. He says he wants to move out and try life on his own. He feels there must be more to life than what we have together.
I have come up with loads of ideas to try and nothing interests him. He says there is no one else, and I trust there isn't.
Instead of renting an apartment and trying this trial separation for six months, he's already purchased a condo and will not be taking anything from our home except his personal things so as not to upset things here.
He said he would like to "date" me.
I have pleaded with him to try to work on our marriage.
He says he feels this will probably be a big mistake but that he needs to do it "as an experiment." He says I have done nothing wrong.
Do you think it's a midlife crisis or another woman — and should I contact an attorney?
I am very sad and confused. For the first time in my life I do not know where to turn.
— Money but no Happiness
I agree with you to a point, but I would argue that slowly becoming obese in a long-term relationship is a sign of complacency and lack of desire to consistently "work on" the relationship.
of course, we'd understand if you divorced mom if she was an alcoholic. might food addiction be any different? serious question.
If you're talking an actual clinical eating disorder, then no, I don't think it's dramatically different, because like alcoholics people with eating disorders frequently lie, withdraw from family and friends, are "not really there even when they are" because of obsessions, are highly self-destructive, strongly resist treatment, etc. But presumably most people who gradually become obese over years (which describes most obese people) wouldn't qualify as having a clinical eating disorder, just a mix of physical and mental bad habits that don't rise to the level of mental disorder.of course, we'd understand if you divorced mom if she was an alcoholic. might food addiction be any different?
But I think framing all this stuff in terms of "If you truly love your partner, you should/shouldn't care much if s/he gets pretty overweight" may be straitjacketing and not true to how priority-setting in committed relationships actually works.
I think they dump for younger because sadly men are into visual more.
why sadly? is it men's fault their sexuality is hardwired to be more responsive to visual stimulation?
what about women who look only for rich men, often decades older? or is that more understandable?
While I understand your point and agree that it applies in many cases, I was trying to figure out yesterday why this phrasing struck me as problematic, and I think I know now what it is. (MrsS already touched on this a little, but maybe not very explicitly.) The problem is it seems to assume that if your partner--male or female, but realistically this is more likely an issue with women--was at a normal, healthy weight when you met her, then she must have had a normal, healthy relationship to food, exercise and body image at that time, too, and unfortunately that simply isn't reliably true. She may have been maintaining that weight only through yo-yo dieting (or worse), and furthermore if she was outright thin (which yes some women are naturally, and some men are naturally attracted to that, and that's fine as far as it goes), that may have been the result not of a "naturally fast metabolism" but of an unhealthy degree of deprivation which was never going to be realistic for her to maintain. You could argue that this is a moot point because, just as with discovering upon moving in with your partner/spouse that s/he's not just the "partier" you thought but frankly out-and-out alcoholic, one way or the other it still becomes a relationship issue once you realize all was not quite what it seemed. But besides the fact that comparing, say, yo-yo dieting tendencies (which are really very common) to alcoholism is questionably extreme, I also think it may be the case that recognizing the psychological sources of the "change" matters, that it's neither fair nor helpful to conceive of it as "not appreciating me enough" when the truth is that to whatever extent she could've been said to be "appreciating" you before by staying fit/thin, she was going about it in an unhealthy way. That doesn't mean it's therefore your duty to just sigh resignedly and accept this as something you can't really ask for and expect change on, but it might call for a rethink of some of your initial assumptions about what exactly is going on emotionally on your partner's end.I would argue that slowly becoming obese in a long-term relationship is a sign of complacency and lack of desire to consistently "work on" the relationship.
To me, good grooming, and trying your best to be thin and look young is a sign of healthy self-esteem and a good mind set.
But why does older = more unhealthy? I know plenty of people that have gotten healthier with age with a few simple adjustments in their lifestyle. I don't think this is really as much of a hang-up as it might seem. Some people place more priority on looks and attraction...oh well. But for those that don't, why sell ourselves short? Aging doesn't having to mean packing on pounds.
I understand the different viewpoints in this thread, but I think we are trying way too hard to find some kind of self-esteem / eating disorder / depression / empowerment angle on this topic when all I feel is that a partner should make an effort in a long-term relationship to stay fit. Is that really too much to ask or are we that complacent in our modern lifestyle being trolleyed around from air-conditioned bubble to bubble by vehicles, walking very little.
Good god, you completely misunderstood my post and overreacted.I agree. So wanting to remain fit and looking young and healthy automatically means I have a self-esteem issue and am only doing so to win approval of others? I actually feel the opposite. I couldn't give a flying fuck what "other people" think about me or how I look.