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Old 07-29-2011, 10:24 AM   #46
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To me, good grooming, and trying your best to be thin and look young is a sign of healthy self-esteem and a good mind set. Everyone - male and female - wants that in a partner. Unless you have a thyroid problem, losing weight can be done if you value yourself and/or handle your troublesome emotions well.

Of course, I don't believe anyone should lose weight and obsess over their looks for the sake of their partner. Take care of yourself for yourself. Do it for yourself. It's like that line from the Alanis Morissette song, "Mary Jane": I hear you're losing weight again, Mary Jane/Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for?
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Old 07-29-2011, 10:51 AM   #47
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I think they dump for younger because sadly men are into visual more.

why sadly? is it men's fault their sexuality is hardwired to be more responsive to visual stimulation?

what about women who look only for rich men, often decades older? or is that more understandable?
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Old 07-29-2011, 10:57 AM   #48
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I only do things that make me happy (or try to). I don't workout, or have my hobbies to try an impress anyone except accomplish my own personal goals. I like to feel fit, I like to try my best at whatever I do (marital arts, golf, baseball, etc). I know there is always someone who's bigger, faster, stronger. But that doesnt' really affect me.

If I can't be happy with myself, then if I'm in a relationship, I'm just going to drag the other person down too. Vice versa (which is usually how my relationships in the past have worked), and if they can't accept me for me....then I'm fine with being dumped or told this isn't working.

Better to get out of a relationship that way then be miserable too long.
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Old 07-29-2011, 11:06 AM   #49
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why sadly? is it men's fault their sexuality is hardwired to be more responsive to visual stimulation?

what about women who look only for rich men, often decades older? or is that more understandable?

Women who do that-that's sadly too.

I think men who would dump a gf or wife JUST for the reason that she's getting older, that's sad. To have that be your only priority for a wife or gf, that's undeniably sad from my perspective. I don't care how much anyone is hard wired for visual stimulation. And what about the guy who is aging too just as much-unless he's stepped back into a frigging time machine and is looking eternally young.
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Old 07-29-2011, 11:18 AM   #50
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But why does older = more unhealthy? I know plenty of people that have gotten healthier with age with a few simple adjustments in their lifestyle. I don't think this is really as much of a hang-up as it might seem. Some people place more priority on looks and attraction...oh well. But for those that don't, why sell ourselves short? Aging doesn't having to mean packing on pounds.
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Old 07-29-2011, 02:21 PM   #51
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I would argue that slowly becoming obese in a long-term relationship is a sign of complacency and lack of desire to consistently "work on" the relationship.
While I understand your point and agree that it applies in many cases, I was trying to figure out yesterday why this phrasing struck me as problematic, and I think I know now what it is. (MrsS already touched on this a little, but maybe not very explicitly.) The problem is it seems to assume that if your partner--male or female, but realistically this is more likely an issue with women--was at a normal, healthy weight when you met her, then she must have had a normal, healthy relationship to food, exercise and body image at that time, too, and unfortunately that simply isn't reliably true. She may have been maintaining that weight only through yo-yo dieting (or worse), and furthermore if she was outright thin (which yes some women are naturally, and some men are naturally attracted to that, and that's fine as far as it goes), that may have been the result not of a "naturally fast metabolism" but of an unhealthy degree of deprivation which was never going to be realistic for her to maintain. You could argue that this is a moot point because, just as with discovering upon moving in with your partner/spouse that s/he's not just the "partier" you thought but frankly out-and-out alcoholic, one way or the other it still becomes a relationship issue once you realize all was not quite what it seemed. But besides the fact that comparing, say, yo-yo dieting tendencies (which are really very common) to alcoholism is questionably extreme, I also think it may be the case that recognizing the psychological sources of the "change" matters, that it's neither fair nor helpful to conceive of it as "not appreciating me enough" when the truth is that to whatever extent she could've been said to be "appreciating" you before by staying fit/thin, she was going about it in an unhealthy way. That doesn't mean it's therefore your duty to just sigh resignedly and accept this as something you can't really ask for and expect change on, but it might call for a rethink of some of your initial assumptions about what exactly is going on emotionally on your partner's end.
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Old 07-30-2011, 12:41 AM   #52
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We men are wired sexually to the visual aspect. I don't think that is ever going to change. I just like a woman to try and stay fit like I do. Not the same....but work out regularly, eat decent. I don't expect model thin (and don't even like that). Just a healthy lifestyle, independent, and a person who is happy with themselves. I think most people are looking for these things in a partner.
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Old 07-30-2011, 04:50 PM   #53
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If I became a giant fatty boom batty, I would think that my fiancée would say something about it, try and help me, and probably leave me if I made it clear that I did not care and did nothing about it.
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Old 07-31-2011, 02:49 AM   #54
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To me, good grooming, and trying your best to be thin and look young is a sign of healthy self-esteem and a good mind set.
That's debatable, to say the least. Depending on what you mean by 'thin' and 'young', it would strike me as a sign of anything but healthy self esteem.

And people are supposed to want this, which is apparently essential to win the approval of others, in and of themselves and not for others' sake?
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Old 07-31-2011, 08:39 AM   #55
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I understand the different viewpoints in this thread, but I think we are trying way too hard to find some kind of self-esteem / eating disorder / depression / empowerment angle on this topic when all I feel is that a partner should make an effort in a long-term relationship to stay fit. Is that really too much to ask or are we that complacent in our modern lifestyle being trolleyed around from air-conditioned bubble to bubble by vehicles, walking very little.

Al Bundy let himself go and we laugh at him for it. Don't tell me there is a double-standard in society about weight vs. long term relationships when we have been poking fun at fat married guys since being thin became the symbol of healthy living instead of malnutrition.

That's my Iron Horsie post for the month.
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Old 07-31-2011, 02:09 PM   #56
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Well, this is why Irvine was grumbling about the sensationalistic nature of this "survey," right? Who among us would in practice presume to dictate to a friend how s/he "should" feel about his/her partner becoming obese. Especially in a relationship beyond the casual-dating type that many of these survey respondents were probably picturing, that's a matter between the two people, and will get hashed out based on a combination of factors ultimately unique to that relationship.
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Old 07-31-2011, 03:49 PM   #57
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But why does older = more unhealthy? I know plenty of people that have gotten healthier with age with a few simple adjustments in their lifestyle. I don't think this is really as much of a hang-up as it might seem. Some people place more priority on looks and attraction...oh well. But for those that don't, why sell ourselves short? Aging doesn't having to mean packing on pounds.
I think we were talking about aging by itself, not related to weight. Aging= automatically less attractive. Has nothing to do with weight or "packing on pounds".
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Old 07-31-2011, 03:51 PM   #58
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I understand the different viewpoints in this thread, but I think we are trying way too hard to find some kind of self-esteem / eating disorder / depression / empowerment angle on this topic when all I feel is that a partner should make an effort in a long-term relationship to stay fit. Is that really too much to ask or are we that complacent in our modern lifestyle being trolleyed around from air-conditioned bubble to bubble by vehicles, walking very little.
I agree. So wanting to remain fit and looking young and healthy automatically means I have a self-esteem issue and am only doing so to win approval of others? I actually feel the opposite. I couldn't give a flying fuck what "other people" think about me or how I look. To me, weight, BMI, etc are just numbers. There is an ideal number FOR ME that I know is attainable (because I have been there without being addicted to working out or having an eating disorder). Why should I just let myself go? What is wrong with enjoying looking good, looking healthy, and most importantly feeling healthy? When I am healthy I have more energy, I have better moods, and I sleep better. At my target weight and fitness level, all of my health numbers like blood pressure, glucose, HDL, LDL, etc are within optimal ranges. Both my doctor and my fitness person (who I only see because I get "points" that earn cash back through my employer's health insurance policy, not because I am so concerned with my body that I need to see a fitness expert) agree that my target weight is perfectly healthy. Because of my jobs and my genetics I might have to work a bit harder than some who are naturally slim and healthy but it is certainly not some all-consuming lifestyle adjustment that revolves around winning someone else's approval. Maybe it is easier for me since I'm a numbers kind of person and do not have emotional issues relative to body image. I figure out a target number and then make some healthy adjustments to achieve that, it's really not that complicated.

People who have low self-esteem seem to have that regardless of their weight and level of fitness. I know plenty of obese people with self-esteem issues and I know people who are naturally thin and "beautiful" (without having to work to achieve or maintain it) who have self-esteem issues. True eating disorders are a psychological disease where weight/looks are actually incidental to issues of self-esteem and self-control and as yolland mentioned, ED does not necessarily = skinny.
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Old 07-31-2011, 03:55 PM   #59
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I agree 100% with doing it only for yourself and with wanting to look good/better to please yourself..not others. When I started doing that it was the first beginning of a really healthy attitude for me. Doing it for others is the road to failure and is ultimately unhealthy. Can be very self destructive.
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Old 08-01-2011, 03:49 AM   #60
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I agree. So wanting to remain fit and looking young and healthy automatically means I have a self-esteem issue and am only doing so to win approval of others? I actually feel the opposite. I couldn't give a flying fuck what "other people" think about me or how I look.
Good god, you completely misunderstood my post and overreacted.

The (over)reactions in this thread are very interesting.
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